Page 44 of When Ben Loved Tim

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

His tone is firm. And final, so I let the subject drop. I don’t want him to feel like he’s having an existential crisis whenever he’s around me. I want him to be happy.

I try to keep things upbeat during the next couple of weeks, even though a chill remains in the air, but the October weather isn’t to blame. I feel like he’s leaving me behind, which is demonstrably true, since he walks faster now. We don’t stroll leisurely like we did before. As soon as Tim is able, I’m sure he’ll go back to running, and I might not be able to keep up.

Sometimes we don’t go on walks at all. Like when it’s raining, or when his friends keep him occupied. On rare occasions he’ll kiss me again with the desperate hunger of someone who has been deliberately starving themselves. The fleeting physical contact is all that keeps me anchored, because his words are too ambiguous. I go over them repeatedly when we’re apart and can twist every utterance into exactly what I want to hear, or just as easily make it mean the opposite. All but the magical phrase he spoke to me in Spanish. Timaskedme to teach him how to fly.

Unless he wrote that line for some girl who came before me.

For now, all I can do—besides obsessing over him every waking second—is wait for each night to come. When I’m lucky he’ll call and I’ll step outside, my pulse quickening in anticipation, like it’s doing now.

I hear athump thump thumpthat takes me right back to the end of summer. Tim appears from around the corner wearing his trademark outfit of jogging shorts and a muscle shirt, the blue shoes restored to both his feet. He’s smiling as he speeds toward me. I open my arms as if to catch him, which makes Tim laugh.

“You’re running again!” I say.

“Yeah,” Tim pants as he comes to a halt in front of me. “This is the first time I let myself since the accident.”

“And?”

“It feels good!” he says, grinning broadly. “Just in time too.” He rubs a hand over his chest and stomach. “I was getting soft. Don’t you think?”

“I don’t know,” I say while staring openly. “I’m getting hard.”

He laughs instead of grimacing. That’s a good sign!

“So does this mean we’re not going on walks anymore?” I ask.

“Up to you,” he says. “Think you could keep up with me on your skates?”

“No, but I have a birthday soon. Buy me a bike.”

“With training wheels?” Tim asks.

“If you want to be on the safe side, yeah! For tonight, let’s keep it simple.”

“All right.”

Tim gets behind me and starts pushing, forcing me into a run. He’s in a goofy mood. I let him drive me like a horse until we’ve reached the trees. Then I slow to a steady trot. “Neigh!” I cry when he pushes on me again. “This horse wants a divorce!”

He looks confused.

“It made sense in my head,” I tell him. “I was playing with the onomatopoeia.”

“Sounds contagious,” Tim says. “Sort of likePopocatépetl.”

I snort. “What?”

“Popocatépetl,” Tim repeats. “It’s my favorite volcano.”

This makes me laugh even harder. “Who has a favorite volcano?”

“I do,” he says shamelessly. “I got really into them in junior high after writing a paper for an assignment. The next time we went to Mexico, I made my parents take me there.”

“One more time,” I say, wiping at my eyes. “Please.”

“It’s a cool place!” Tim says, starting to sound defensive. “The second-highest peak in Mexico, in fact.”