Page 20 of When Ben Loved Tim

“Because you’re rich and hot,” I explain.

Tim looks surprised. “You think so?”

I nod. “That’s how it works. You’ve got to be one or the other. And if you’re both…” I move a flattened palm through the air, like an airplane taking off at a steep angle.

“No,” Tim says, shaking his head. “Do you really think I’m hot?”

I laugh. “Are you kidding me? Yes!”

He flashes a cocky grin. “Thanks.”

“Don’t tell me you’re insecure.”

Tim shrugs. “What’s it like being you?”

“Pretty much the same, but in reverse. Nobody knows the real me, but they all know my name. And my reputation. I’m the gay guy who’s only good for a secret blowjob. And afterwards, nobody wants to be seen with me. Especially since I came out.”

The saddest part is that I’m telling him on purpose. I want Tim to know that the option is on the table. It hasn’t been for a long time. I value myself too much these days. But for him, I’ll make an exception.

Tim’s expression is hard to read. His words aren’t much clearer. “That’s messed up.”

The services I’ve performed? Or the way I was treated afterwards? I’m not sure, and I don’t get a chance to ask, because he adds, “I know what it’s like.”

That gets my attention. “You’ve been secretly blowing guys too?”

Tim chuckles. “No. But where I used to live…” The smile slides off his face. “Being popular isn’t always a good thing.”

“How come?”

He shakes his head, like it’s not important.

I remain silent, noticing his reluctance when he starts to speak.

“Some people want to see you fail,” he says at last. “Maybe they resent you for being popular. I don’t know. But they watch, waiting for you to mess up or say the wrong thing. And if you do, it’s headline news. Like if some random guy pukes during lunch, a handful of people might gossip about it for the rest of the day. But if you’re popular,everyonehears about it. And they don’t let you forget.”

I study him for a moment. “So how much did you barf?”

“It wasn’t that,” he grumbles.

“Then what?”

Tim frowns. “Forget about it.”

“I can keep a secret,” I assure him. “All those guys who used to invite me over? I didn’t speak a word of what we did. Not to anyone. I was too worried it would stop the fun. They weren’t as discreet. So I know how quickly word gets around. And how bad it can be when it does. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Tim’s expression is guarded as he weighs my sincerity. I let him stare into my eyes, wanting him to see everything contained there. I would be loyal to him. If given the chance.

“Before we moved,” he says at last. “I was dating this girl.” He shakes his head, as if needing to start over. “Her name was Carla. The first time I saw her, she was in a bikini at a pool party, and man, it was like something out of a movie. Suddenly the whole world was moving in slow motion.”

I’m already jealous of her.

“So we started talking and hit it off,” Tim continues. “She was my first serious girlfriend. And I was her first time. Which makes it so messed up that she…” He eyes me again, his expression vulnerable.

“What?” I ask, leaning forward.

Tim takes a deep breath. “She said that I raped her.”

The bathroom is silent in the wake of this confession.