Page 41 of When Ben Loved Tim

I expect Tim to laugh. Instead he looks uncomfortable.

“I was traumatized,” I assure him. “The thought of my dad messing around with another guy almost turned me straight.”

“Is that a thing?” Tim asks.

“No! I’m stuck this way, believe me.”

Tim shakes his head. “I mean an experimental phase. Do people really have those?”

I could kick myself! I don’t want him to doubt what we have. I do enough of that for the both of us. Then again, I don’t want to trick him into being anything that he’s not. “My attraction to other guys is definitely not a phase,” I answer, “but straight guys experiment, yeah. That’s how some people figure out who they really like. Those other guys I was with, I don’t think any of them were actually gay. They didn’t seem interested enough.”

Tim’s brow is furrowed. “How did that work anyway?”

“They’d show me some porn and ask me to lend them a hand. Or they’d talk about how horny they were when getting into bed for the night and pretend to be asleep. If I didn’t take the hint, they’d roll over and ‘accidentally’ rub up against me. Which was dumb, because all they had to do was ask.” I stop talking, giving him the opportunity to do just that. I’d love to suck his cock. That’s all I’ve fantasized about since we met. I’d be honored. Hell, I’d thank him for the privilege! Of course in my fantasies, he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

“So those other guys weren’t interested in doing stuff back to you?” Tim asks.

“If they were, they sure managed to hide it well.”

The creases on his forehead deepen. If we ever do hook up, I probably just condemned myself to it being one-sided. I don’t regret speaking openly. As much as I want his body, love is my true goal. I’m willing to risk it all, even the chance to sleep with him, to get what I really need.

For now, I want him to see how normal my life can be. I put on some of my favorite music. Songs that make me think of him, but I don’t say as much. When I sing, the clouds blows away and he seems happy again. We watch a random show on the small TV in my room while eating pizza and play video games afterwards. When night has fallen, I suggest we go for a walk, but I don’t pressure him to do anything romantic. Only when we stop in a tunnel of trees to listen to the insects hum do I lean against him affectionately. Tim turns toward me, cupping my face in his big strong hands, and this time it really does feel like an experiment. The kiss doesn’t last very long before he pulls back to look at me, but in the darkness, his features are mostly lost in shadow. I don’t know what conclusion he reaches. Tim suggests we keep walking. When we’re back at my house, we watch a rented movie—a lighthearted comedy—because I don’t want him to feel tortured around me. I’m willing to bear that burden on my own.

“Are you ready for bed?” I ask when he yawns during the credits.

“Yeah,” Tim says. “If you are.”

“Yup. Hey, do popular kids do sleepovers? I can’t imagine you and Bryce having a slumber party.”

Tim chuckles. “We don’t call it that, but yeah.”

“How would you guys say it then? Like when inviting each other.”

Tim shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess if we were hanging out and it got this late, I’d let my friend know that he could crash at my place.”

“And would you share the same bed as Bryce?”

He makes a face. “You seem fixated on him.”

“I’m really not. Make it Darryl instead, I don’t care. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a straight guy friend. I don’t know how it works at our age.”

Tim thinks about it. “Sharing the same bed is normal. Some guys prefer to sleep on the floor, I guess. My best friend back where I used to live always made us sleep head to foot. Like one of us would be upside-down.”

“So you’d be sleeping with your feet in each other’s faces?”

Tim nods.

“Gross! Why?”

He looks uncomfortable.

“Trust me,” I assure him. “I’ve heard it all. Your friend thought it was less gay that way, didn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Tim confirms. “But I always thought it was dumb, because our dicks were still lined up. I guess it’s only gay if you kiss.” He looks exceedingly uncomfortable after speaking these words.

“I’m not sleeping upside-down,” I tell him, “but I can use a sleeping bag and give you the bed if the vibe is getting too gay for you.”

“Nah,” Tim says. “It’s cool.”