Page 151 of When Ben Loved Tim

Chapter Twenty-Eight

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Allison and I are waiting in the wings of our school’s auditorium. The talent show is winding down. We keep taking turns peeking through the curtain while the guys set up their instruments behind us. The rows of seats are filled. Just about everyone who attends our school is out there. At the moment, a brave freshman is doing a stand-up routine, and it’s not going well.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I check the audience again. Most people are talking to each other rather than paying attention to the act on stage, although I do see some rolling eyes. It’ll be a tough crowd.

“Because if you want,” Allsion says, “I can sing the whole thing. You know, instead of just the chorus.”

I turn around, an apology on my lips until I see her playful expression. “I just think it’s important for a white guy to get the limelight for once, you know?”

“Oh totally,” she replies. “The entire history of music has your back on that.”

I do feel alittlebad, but after Tim and I had our meltdown, I stayed up half the night writing. Which resulted in two pages of lyrics that I took over to Leon’s house the next day. They fit the ballad he’d been struggling with. Not perfectly. The whole band had to work together and make adjustments, but we ended up with something that sounded fresh, so we decided to make it our entry into the talent show. The lyrics are deeply personal. I don’t care what anyone thinks about them except for one person. I’m not sure if Tim is out there in the audience, but I hope he is.

We hear some half-hearted applause, my pulse picking up, because that’s our cue. My palms are sweaty when Allison hands me a mic. We check with the guys, who are playing warm-up chords. They nod. A teacher gives us a signal. My stomach churns as the curtain begins to rise. I look to my best friend, who smiles reassuringly.

“We’ve got this,” she says.

“Yeah. Just take over and finish the song if I faint.”

She laughs. I wasn’t kidding.

We’re momentarily blinded by lights. The drum machine starts playing. Ronnie joins it by plucking his bass. Leon coaxes a riff out of his guitar. I step forward and close my eyes, traveling deep inside myself and returning with the words I found there. Then I begin to sing.

“Before you came along, so fine and strong, I’d only known the moon.

Drawn by your fire, and unquenchable desire, I emerged from my cocoon.”

I open my eyes and walk along the front of the stage. I see people making faces at me, or nudging each other, like I’m a joke, but that’s nothing new. I’ve put up with their ridicule for the entirety of high school. Now it’s time for them to listen to what I have to say, because this isn’t some cloying ballad. The beat is strong, the pace fast. Nobody can talk during this song. Our band is too loud.

“You said I was your butterfly, and to seek the sky, because we were meant to soar.

Why’d you keep me in the dark, love hidden in a park, where the sun don’t shine no more?”

I hope people pick up on the innuendo, because I’m waving my freak flag with this one. Time for the chorus. I usually don’t rap, but it’s the only way my part of the chorus felt right.

“I broke the silence, you broke my heart,

Now all that’s left is to fall apart.”

Allison steps forward to sing the refrain, and unlike me, she draws out the words, filling them with vibrato. Her voice is stunningly beautiful. I search the audience while she sings, seeing the surprise on people’s faces turn into rapt admiration. And rightly so.

“He broke the silence, you broke his heart,

Now all that’s left is to fall apart.”

Some of the audience bursts into applause. Allison and I spin around each other, switching positions so I can sing the next verse.

“Unwilling to be denied, I’ve got way too much pride, I seduced you with my song.

You took me to your bed, and messed with my head, how could I have been so wrong?”

My voice falters on the last word, because that’s when I see him. Those silver eyes are peering at me from the audience. Tim is surrounded by his friends, but my focus narrows along with my eyes. I hate his fucking guts! And I love him. More than ever, because I can’t stand the idea of our time together coming to end. My heart aches, right there on stage in front of everyone. I want him so bad. Even now. Which makes me glad that my sister stoked my anger, because these lyrics aren’t just a message to Tim. They’re a reminder of why we can’t be together.

“Your touch burned my wings, baby it still stings, how this mariposa came tumbling down.

Thought I could be your prince, been laughing ever since, you proved I’m just a clown.”