Page 90 of What He Always Knew

My hands shook as I crossed to sit on the bed across from where he was packing, and I folded them together once I sat, trying to calm my breaths.

For a while I just watched him as he went from his dresser to the suitcase, back to the closet and then to the suitcase again. Back and forth he went, packing, taking clothing I’d seen him wear for years and fold it away like it’d never be back in this house again.

I didn’t know where to start.

That was the first thing I realized as I sat there watching him, seeing the pain etched on his face, knowing the tension that riddled his slumped shoulders, the same as it did mine. Where were the right words, the ones I needed to say to him? I’d searched for them the entire car ride over, and I’d come up empty-handed.

Maybe it was because therewereno right words — not in a situation like this.

Cameron packed while I watched him in silence, finally zipping up the suitcase when everything was inside it. His eyes finally found mine then, the weight of them heavy and dark. He was out of other things to look at, to keep him busy, and now, it was time.

“You’ve been crying,” he said, slowly rounding the bed.

I moved to the side, offering him room to sit beside me, but he just shook his head.

He didn’t even want to sit next to me, and as he tucked his hands into his pockets, I realized his were shaking, too.

I swiped at the dried, mascara-streaked tears on my cheeks. It was no use, I wouldn’t be able to get them off without makeup-remover, but I tried, anyway.

“I have so much I want to say,” I whispered, looking up at him. “I’m not sure where to start.”

Cameron looked so much older in that moment, like God was granting me a glimpse of what he would look like in ten years’ time. I traced every crease that surrounded his eyes, the ones that outlines his lips — though those were fewer. His dark eyes watched me like I held a gun, one pointed straight to his forehead, and he was just waiting for me to pull the trigger.

“My life feels like a carnival ride,” I started. “So many violent twists and turns have happened over the last few months. If you would have told me this would have been my future, if you would have told me at Christmas that any of this would have happened, I would have laughed.” I tried to smile, but couldn’t manage. “I mean, it’s just…”

I shook my head, the words not coming out right. Nothing felt right.

“Will you please just sit with me for a second?” I begged him, sliding over again. “Please?”

Cameron stared at the spot next to me like it was a trap, but he forced a breath and did as I asked.

“Thank you,” I breathed, and my eyes fell to where my hands were folded in my lap as I tried again. “You and I, we have a love that I don’t think many people ever experience. The day I married you, I knew I was the luckiest woman in the world to have a man who loved me as fiercely as you did. As you do,” I corrected. “We were sohappy, you know?”

I glanced back up at Cameron, and he was staring at my hands, too. He swallowed, waiting for me to continue.

“We built a life together, built this home together,” I said, looking around our room. “We tried to build a family, too. And through all that, we were… perfect. Honestly, we were. And I’m not saying we always have to be perfect, because that’s unrealistic to expect, but… what happened after…”

I ran one of my shaking hands through my hair, tugging it at the ends, as if I could pull the right words out by force.

“We messed up, Cameron,” I said. “Both of us. I should have asked you for what I needed, I should have gone to see someone, to talk to someone, the way you’ve been talking to Patrick. And I should have asked you more about what happened with Natalia,” I said.

“It doesn’t matter,” Cameron interrupted.

“It does,” I argued. “It does, Cameron. I know you feel like you betrayed me, that confiding in her was wrong. And it was. You should have come to me.” I swallowed, waiting for his eyes to meet mine again. “But to me, the real betrayal was that I thought you cheated on me. And though I know you didn’t now, you still kept the truth from me. Foryears.”

“I didn’t want to make excuses. I—”

“I know,” I said, holding up one hand to stop him. “And I understand, I really do. But you still let me sit in that hurt, in that embarrassment, for years. And you left me,” I choked. “You may have stayed here, in this house, but you weren’t reallyhere.You weren’t present. You didn’t touch me the same, look at me the same,lovemethe same. The day I caught you with Natalia was the day you walked out on me. You checked out. And I had to grieve alone, rebuild alone.”

Cameron’s brows pulled together as tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t believe I had any left.

“And then, Reese showed up.”

Cameron shut his eyes at the sound of Reese’s name, and when he opened them again, they fell to the floor at our feet.

“When I was a young girl, Reese was everything to me. He was my first crush, my first love, my first heartbreak. Seeing him again, it knocked the breath out of me. He was the one man in my life before you, Cameron, and I didn’t know how to handle him coming back —especiallywhen he saw right through me, like I was glass, like he knew every cell that made up who I was.”

“Charlie, please…” Cameron said, standing.