Page 85 of What He Always Knew

Cameron smirked, shaking his head as he pulled his hand away.

“The best man for her isn’t even playing, Reese,” he said, making his way down the stairs. “If he was, neither of us would stand a chance.”

When Cameron pulled away, I watched him go, thinking over what he’d said. He didn’t think either of us was the man for Charlie, that we deserved her, or that we were what she deserved.

But I knew better. I knew in my heart that I would make her happy — happier than she’d ever been, than she ever knew she could be.

Cameron was wrong.

And I swore to myself that if Charlie chose me, I would prove it.

Charlie

Just like Reese promised me, he gave me space and time to think.

I knew it had to be killing him, sitting at home after what happened last night at the gala, not knowing what I was thinking.

Reese was so unlike Cameron in that respect. Communication was key for him, and he needed it from me to feel safe. Last night, I hadn’t been able to give him anything.

I still wasn’t sure I could.

But, whether I was ready or not, my decision had to be made. Not just because of the time I’d promised Cameron, but because it wasn’t fair of me to have both of the men I love tangled up in this mess with me. They deserved to know where they stood, no matter where that was. They deserved my respect and my honesty.

But before I could be honest with them, I had to be honest with myself.

I rode with the radio off the entire drive down to Jeremiah’s house. They were rebuilding it right on the same lot where his old one had stood, and today was the day they broke ground. All of the top associates of Reid’s Energy Solutions would be there, including my father and my husband, and I’d get to see the light in Jeremiah’s eyes as work began to bring his home back to life.

It should have been a happy day. It should have been aperfectday, one filled with only thankfulness and joy, but I’d lost the right to feel either of those emotions. The more I drove, the longer I sat in silence, the more I realized how uncomfortable I was in my own skin.

I just couldn’t shake the disbelief, or the new reality I’d found myself in. I was a broken record, stuck on the same track, constantly repeating the phrasehow can this be?

On top of not even knowing who I was anymore, I had to search within myself to find the answer — an answer that seemed to elude me as much as the night eludes the sun.

Where did my happiness lie — with the boy I loved as a child, one who brought me back to life, or with the man I married, one whom I built my current life with?

In my heart, I already knew the answer, though I was scared to say it out loud. And more than that, I wondered if I even deserved what made me happy, anymore. How had I allowed myself to be with both of them the way I had, to enjoy their company, their love, all the while knowing I would hurt one of them in the end?

There was a constant ache in my chest, weighing down like an anvil of guilt. I pressed my fingers into that ache as I drove, but no pressure could relieve it. Nothing would make it better, make me better, makeusbetter until I owned up to my feelings and I made a decision.

And the first thing I needed to admit to myself was that though I was disappointed in my actions, they had all been made with my heart and soul. I had listened to myself, to what I wanted and needed in the moments when I took them.

There was a reason I was still able to sleep at night, and when I searched below that guilt, below that shame, I found the answer — I did truly believe I deserved to be happy.

I had flaws, just like any other woman, and mine had been displayed on the highest shelf over the past few months. I had let my natural state of selflessness and care be overshadowed by the selfish wants and needs I’d always ignored. I’d let the monster inside me break free, let her roam wild, taking what she wanted with little care to how it affected those around her.

But I was a good woman, a good wife, a good teacher and daughter and, soon, I would be a good mother, too.

As my own mother once told me, we all fall from time to time. We are all sinners. We all make mistakes. But today, I would right my wrongs, and I would make my choice, and I would accept the consequences as they came.

When I pulled into the lot where everyone else had parked, I could already see the crowd forming around the podium Reid’s Energy Solutions had set up. There was just a lot of dirt behind it, and an entire row of shovels was propped against the workers’ shed, hard hats hanging on each of them. I watched from the car as the people milled around, shaking hands and chatting, news crews setting up their cameras for the speech my father would make. And instead of getting out of the car, I called Reese.

“Charlie?”

“Hey,” I breathed. It was the same sigh of relief from his end, that connection between us fixed just with one call.

“I didn’t think you’d call…”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I started, still staring out the windshield at everyone working before me. I spotted my Mom and Dad talking with the mayor first, and I knew Cameron had to be close. “Thank you, for giving me the time I asked for. The space.”