Page 48 of What He Always Knew
“It had been a while since I laughed with him,” I confessed. “Truly laughed, anyway.”
Reese spun his glass between his hands on the bar. He wouldn’t meet my gaze.
Another rumble of thunder found us, this one stronger, the breeze picking up as the storm rolled in.
I sipped on the fresh drink the bartender delivered, cringing at the strength of it. But I sucked down more, anyway. I needed liquid courage for what I was about to say next.
“He cheated on me.”
Reese stilled, his hands pausing on the glass, but he still didn’t look at me.
“Cameron. It was about a year after we lost the boys. I… I walked in on him one evening at work, trying to surprise him. I wanted to take him out for dinner.” I laughed, recalling the memory as if it were happening in that very moment. I could still see her navy pencil skirt gathered at her hips where she straddled him, could see her red manicured nails on his shoulders — the same color as her lips when she turned and smirked at me from where she sat.
“There’s this girl he works with often,” I said. “Natalia. She’s from one of the sister companies my uncle founded in New York City. She comes here a lot, though, to the home office, and she and Cameron are always on the same projects together.” I swallowed, stirring my drink with the straw. “She’s gorgeous. Long, tan legs, bright blonde hair, and she has these… eyes,” I said. “They’re like a crystal green, almost like cat eyes. She’s sexy.” I laughed. “She’s literally everything that I’m not.”
Reese turned to me then, and he opened his mouth to argue, but I shook my head.
“No, seriously, Reese. It’s a different level. And I don’t know, maybe part of me expected it when I showed up that night. She was sitting on him in his chair, straddling him. I walked in, and when I saw them, I dropped my purse.”
A flash of the sound of that, of my keys and purse hitting the floor, collided with the thunder at the beach bar.
I closed my eyes.
“Cameron threw her off of him, of course. Chased after me. He kept saying he was sorry, that he could explain, but when we got home that night, he had nothing to say for himself.” I shrugged. “He just held me and begged me for forgiveness. He told me there was no excuse, and he would never forgive himself for hurting me.”
“Butyouforgave him,” Reese said. “Didn’t you?”
“I did,” I admitted, something between a laugh and a cry leaving my lips. “But I never forgot. And I think that’s part of the problem, you know? This past weekend, I felt him — the old him. He made me laugh, he made me feel wanted, and I felt every beat of my heart still pounding with the love I’ve always had for him, for the love I alwayswillhave,” I said. “But, I’ll never forget what he did. And it’s not even really the sex,” I admitted. “That, I think I can forget. But I’ll never forget that when I needed him most, he found comfort in someone else. When I was breaking, when I was grieving, he was with her — letting her in, letting her comfort him when it was all I wanted to do.”
I shook my head, taking a quick drink before I ran my hands back through my hair. It was frizzy and sticky, not used to the Florida humidity.
“And I know that’s ridiculous, because look at me. Look what I’ve done with you. I’ve done the same thing, betrayed him the same way, but—”
“It’s not the same.”
“It’s not,” I agreed. “At least, it doesn’t feel like it to me. I mean, maybe it is. Maybe we’re both going to hell.”
Reese chuckled at that. “Don’t worry. I’ll build us a big mansion there before you two arrive. We can all live happily ever after.”
I tried to smile, but failed, reaching for my drink, instead.
We were both quiet for a bit, listening as the thunder got closer, a few flashes of lightning illuminating the bar now and then. After a while, Reese turned to me, pulling my hands off the bar and into his lap. I had no choice but to meet his eyes then, and when I did, I found just as much pain and sorrow in his as I knew existed in mine.
Maybe that was where our love was born, mine and Reese’s — between the lines of our scars.
“One thing I love about your heart is that it continues to love, even when it’s bruised and beaten. You have always been the girl who loves, Charlie. You loved me when I was a stupid, bored, depressed teenager,” he said, smiling. “And you love your husband still, even when he has hurt you. It’s okay that you still love him. It’s not what most others would do, and that’s what makes it amazing.”
He paused, his grip tightening on my hands.
“But, it’s also okay to let him go, if that’s what your heart is telling you. Just because you’ve given him so much of your life, so much of your heart, does not mean he is entitled to the rest of it. You deserve to be happy,trulyhappy, whether it’s with him or me or some lucky bastard you haven’t met yet, or hell, even without any man at all.” Reese smiled. “But, what I want you to know is what he did to you, it is not a reflection of who you are. It does not mean you weren’t good enough, or pretty enough, or sexy enough, or interesting enough,” he said. “You are all of those things and more, Charlie. You are the most sensational woman I have ever known. And your worth is not defined by him.”
My eyes bubbled with tears, and I watched Reese through them, his features morphing as his words settled in my bloodstream along with the alcohol. I hadn’t even said that I’d felt those things — that I’d feltless thanafter what Cameron had done — but Reese had heard me, anyway. He’d known the whisperings in my heart before I’d even heard them, myself.
And it was then that I realized that no matter which direction I went, no matter which man I chose, both would exist in me forever. They were valves in my heart, and I could not beat on without both of them present in some way.
One tear slipped free, and I laughed, pulling my hands from Reese’s and swiping them over my face. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m a mess.”
“Yes, you are. But, you’re the prettiest damn mess I’ve ever seen.”