Page 58 of What He Always Knew

And that’s how easy it was.

We just sat there in the sun, eating sandwiches and reading together, and it felt like everything was right in the world. Charlie was my home, and I was hers. It was that simple, even though the world we lived in seemed so chaotic.

As long as we were together, it didn’t matter what we did.

I just hoped we’d actually be together in the end.

Charlie

That Sunday, I took advantage of the nice weather and spent the day in my garden.

The flowers and plants we had adorning the front of our house were beautiful, and I loved the way they drew eyes to our home, but it was my garden in thebackthat was my pride and joy. Only Cameron and I got to enjoy it, along with our close family and friends, and that was what made me love it even more.

It was like our own little treasure, reserved for our guests and ourselves. We didn’t need to show it off, and for that reason, I could do whatever I wanted back there.

Our back garden expanded throughout the yard, but my favorite part was the little corner near our sunroom. It was where our patio furniture sat, complete with a fire pit that we loved to use in the summer, and it was where I got the most creative with my plants.

In the winter, I watched most of my garden die, knowing only half of it would return once the weather was warmer. Most of it, I’d have to replant, but I didn’t mind. That was what I loved most about gardening — it was a never-ending task.

My garden always needed me, no matter what season it was. Whether it was for sowing, clearing weeds, watering, or just being there to enjoy its beauty, I was necessary for the garden, just as it was necessary for my soul.

Though spring was still far from being in full bloom, I spent that Sunday clearing away the dead plants and flowers, tilling the soil, and using the compost we’d saved to enhance the soil. I still wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to plant for spring and summer, but I had ideas, and I knew that no matter what I chose, the soil needed to be primped and primed.

My mind was free to wander as my hands worked, and as always, it seemed to drift back and forth easily from Reese to Cameron. There was so much to look at and do in the garden that, thankfully, my thoughts couldn’t run too deep. But like a shallow creek, they filtered through me soft and quiet, an ever-present hum within me.

Cameron had pulled back into himself.

After coming home to the aviary, I thought he would open up to me again. I thought he would let me in, continue the connection we’d managed to find during our weekend getaway. But he’d been hurt by seeing me with Reese — and though I couldn’t blame him for that, I also didn’t see it as an excuse.

I had to see him with Natalia, after all, and I’d survived.

But Cameron wasn’t like me. It was hard enough for him to talk at all, and just when he was opening up, he’d seen me in the arms of another man.

I knew it killed him, and that killed me.

But where he receded like the tide, Reese came crashing in to fill the void like the biggest wave.

Though we didn’t have much time together, the time we did, he took full advantage of. I smiled as I spread more compost over the soil, recalling our picnic on Friday at Westchester. It was something so simple, so easy, and yet it had made me feel like I was on top of the world. The warmth of the sun on our skin, the taste of childhood favorite foods, the sound of his voice as he read my book out loud — it was perfect. It was a glimpse of what our life could be like, in the future, and I clung to that glimpse like the last vine that stopped me from falling into an abyss.

As much as I loved the way I felt with Reese, I still couldn’t get over the fact that Cameron had built me an aviary. I couldn’t let go of the fact that he was seeing a therapist — which he was with right now. He hadn’t spoken much to me since the conference, but I knew just by looking at him that hewantedto.

And so, my heart remained severed. Because how could I turn my back on him when he still had time, when I’d promised him I’d wait?

As if my thoughts were calling to him, the sliding glass door connected to our sunroom opened, and Cameron stepped out onto our patio with a smile on his face.

“I had a feeling I’d find you here,” he said, eyeing where I was working with the soil. “The weather is perfect today.”

I leaned back on my heels, looking up at him from where I was on my knees in the garden. His smile was genuine, the first one I’d seen him wear in a week, and I returned it.

“It’ll get cold again, but spring is teasing us.”

“As it often does in Pennsylvania,” he said. Then, he dropped to his knees in front of me, rolling up the sleeves of his long-sleeve shirt. “Can I help?”

“I’d love that.”

He picked up where I’d left off, digging into our compost with his bare hands where I had my gloves for protection. He never was afraid of getting dirty — it was something I’d always loved about him.

I watched him for a moment longer before leaning forward to help, and a silence fell over us, though it wasn’t the comfortable one that I was used to. Now, it was strained, riddled with unsaid words that hung between us like lasers that would singe our skin if we touched them. Every now and then, I glanced up to watch him work, but I never knew what to say.