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thirty-nine

Carnaxa

T he pain that woke me was the neni . I should have known, I’ve heard the rumors but I didn’t realize … I didn't believe that he was my twin drop …

I run my hand across my chest, and the shell there. He was telling the truth. They all were.

You should have listened, you stupid girl.

Thylas was a twin drop of mine, but why? Why would the Goddess bless me with two and why would he take that away? I shake my head, walking around the foot of the bed. I know why he would take it away, because of how cold I’ve been towards him. I won’t apologize for it. I could have been nicer, sure, but there are things and feelings that I can’t place anymore.

My fingers run across the leather pants that I adorn and I sigh, knowing I’ll have to put on one of the heavy dresses. As I walk to the trunks next to my bed, I notice the book that was given to me in Midaeliea. The dagger still atop it.

I pick up the dagger, watching the blade glimmer in the light of the candles burning around the tent. My fingers tingle at the contact. At the top of the dagger, the blue stone is held secure by a thin casing of silver, but it looks like a latch. I twist the tip of the handle and the silver releases, the stone falling into my palm.

“Combine the mountain and the valley.”

Before the pain, I remembered thinking how it looked as though the stone balanced against the leather of the book. I pick up my mother’s journal and thumb the divot in the center. Two gifts given at different times by different people and yet … I roll the stone through my fingers before placing it in the depression. The sensation I only felt in my fingers erupts across every inch of my skin.

Pain and pressure take over my head and I grasp my hair, letting the strands of blue cascade down between my fingers. Not again. I can’t do this again. I feel tears slip from my face as darkness meets me once more.

In this endless sea of black and nothingness, I’m falling. I can’t perceive my body but I know somehow I am still here, in this place, wherever it is. No matter how hard I flex my hands, they never manage to grasp onto anything. I don’t want this to be the end, not now.

“It’s time, Daughter.” The voice comes booming through the darkness. I swivel — or assume I do — towards the direction of the voice. A body appearing from the darkness as a flash of white breaches my field of vision.

The woman once again appears from nothing. Her dark blue hair tipped with silver comes into view. Draping gold fabric wraps around her body, but it’s the crown atop her head that catches my attention. It’s a replica of the one I wear — my mother’s. The silver seems to glint, as do the inlaid sapphires. Her face is still as unfamiliar as the first time I saw her.

“I’m really sick of hearing that. It plagued me for days and now it still haunts me in my dreams, even when I’m awake. Please, if you will not tell me what is going on, let me go back. I don’t want to stay here.”

She smiles as if I’m telling her something she wants to hear before she reaches out and grazes her fingertips across my check. “I always knew my spirit was in there somewhere. I’m sorry Carnaxa ... for everything. I tried to tell you before, but there are things that are beyond my control. Bargains have come to fruition, and endings are here.”

I flinch as her fingers touch me, unsure of who the woman is. I look at her pale skin and the single freckle on the side of her neck. “Why am I here? Who are you? Why do you wear my mother’s crown? ”

She looks down at her appearance before looking back at me. “I forgot that you would have never known this form, my original form.” She rolls her fingers as water and snowflakes whirl around her gold dress and across her skin. As the waves and ice consume her, I watch as she changes. Her silver tips change to blue, first so pale her tresses look like ice and then more the same shade as mine. Her eyes change to mimic those of my mother’s hue and as the power she wields between her fingers dissipates, my mother stands before me. “You know me like this though, my girl.”

I stumble back, falling to the floor and yet it’s still just black — I don’t fall through. “Mother? But how … you can’t be. ”

She bends down. “I’ve been called many names across time, but my favorite was always Ata . You gave me that name, the only one I’ve ever birthed, and I assure you, my sweet girl, I am your mother.” She hums a song, a song that my mother sang to me over and over when I was a young child. The one I know more than any other.

My mother stands before me in this starless darkness, a light of beauty before me. I don’t want to believe, and maybe I shouldn’t ... but something inside of me knows it’s the truth. “How? How is any of this possible?”

She reaches out to touch my hand and pulls me up from where I’m still crouched. “We don’t have enough time, but once my name was Drāhēn?, but ...” She bites her lip and squeezes my hand. “That doesn’t matter.”

Her voice picks up in pace, as if she’s trying to say so much at once. “What matters right now is that you have to get back to your father. He needs you. They all need you. I am sorry for what has happened, but I couldn’t speak when magic first found itself awake. I knew when I banished the traitor — he was in league with Khaysus — but even I misunderstood their full hatred of me. Khaysus slithered his way into the place I tried to keep safe, and he stole the memories there to try to pull you away from me and your path.”

Her body flickers in and out of view, and I feel my lungs constrict as if I’m being pulled away.

“Carnaxa, listen to me. Trust yourself, trust your magic. It’s as natural as breathing. The journal tells my tale of tears, but you have to live your own fate.” She flickers again. “Don’t trust those who wear the crown of old. His heart may be enclosed in fire, but it’s the ice that keeps it beating with cruelty. The ice that was stolen from me, a blessing that has now been sent to another. Things are not always as they seem and the fire will bleed with the darkness until the true heart is found.”

“I don’t know who or what you are speaking of? Who?” I grab on to her hand tighter, loving how my mother’s skin feels once against mine. “I need you. Don’t leave me.” I feel like a child once again, having my mother here in front of me and wanting so much to stay with her.

Crystal tears fall from her eyes as she brushes the freckles against my neck. “I’ve never left you. Death does not mean an end, for we are all simply changed. I love you, my darling girl. Don’t let the darkness in anymore. Those thoughts were not yours. Trust yourself, and trust where the ripples lead you. A choice was made and will be made again.”

She leans in and whispers, “But this, I can give back because the memories were stolen by a cruel trick, but it was a trick that he learned from me. The last bit of magic stored inside of the stone, when joined with my journal, provided me enough power to then help you as best I can.” She kisses my cheek quickly and a coolness spreads from where her lips touched as she falls back.

She flickers once ... twice ... and then she’s gone and a force pulls me back as I crash into my body.

I wake up still inside the tent, and considering no one has found me, I assume not a lot of time has passed. I pick myself up off the floor, dusting the leathers as I do. The ground quakes. My head has a low hum inside and it’s like a cold sweep takes over as memories play out in my mind’s eye.

Thylas’ small frame against the crashing waves when I found him.

Siphonie, Thylas, and me running through the halls and markets of Antalis .

My mother’s death and Thylas holding me that night and his punishment afterwards.

Meeting Ereon and knowing I would wed him.

The night of T?ht and Mar and the kiss that followed.

The kitchen conversations with Ereon, who for once let down his guard.

The feelings for them both that bloomed.

The attack with the men from Lidiens.

The night we all shared.

The twin drop ripples between the three of us.

Sweat beads at my brow as I try to catch my breath, grasping for the memories to slow down and needing to understand all of what’s happened since. I stand on shaking legs as the assault of what was taken from me comes to a halt.

My thoughts are like a spider’s web, everywhere and all at once, connected by a central meeting point — my magic. I can feel the power as it swirls within my veins, the flow of it twisting and turning and combining with the blood itself.

Becoming a part of me. I walk towards the basin of water across the room. I swipe my fingers through the cold clear water and splash my face with it. “She controls the flame.” Is what Ereon said about Anara. The memory of her outside of Thylas’ tent surprises me, but I push it back and let my palms cup the water.

I peer down into it, unsure of how to control anything. It softly expands around my palm and a shiver runs up my arms as the coolness overtakes me. What do I want the water to do? I remember watching Anara twirl her fingers toward the flame and it danced, so I drop the water, cupping only one handful this time. I take a deep breath and let it trickle down in drops.

I raise my palm, wishing for the drop to stop, but it does nothing. My wrist burns where the bracelet is, but I ignore it. I try over and over, lifting handfuls of water. I know Ereon will want me soon and I should get ready, but I want to try one more time.

“Trust yourself, trust your magic. It’s as natural as breathing.” My mother’s words filter through me and I try to feel the magic as my blood pumps.

Cupping the water once more, I breathe deeply and close my eyes. I let the water leisurely flow down my fingers and hold out my hand. A few seconds pass, my wrist burning deeply and I open my eyes. There before me, the water cascades over my fingertips, rolling over itself and never touching the basin. A gasp collects in my throat and I slowly move my hand away, in awe of what’s before me. There, floating in the air, is the water from my hand, and it dances in a pattern choreographed by my fingers.