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thirty-five

Thylas

“ W hat are we really doing? Going after more men to protect kingdoms not of our own?” A member of the Prel mumbles from my left. I’ve listened to these men discuss how much they hate being here. “Who cares if the Antalians are dying or those in Midaeliea — they don’t concern me. I just want to be back home, with wine and women.”

“Because times have changed, Princess Carnaxa and Prince Ereon have made a peace between the kingdoms with their marriage,” I defend. “Princess Carnaxa needs people in her kingdom to try to help with the deluc.” Anger twists in my gut as I clench my hand into a fist to try to fight the boiling rage. No one wants to help them. The Southern Continent already turned their backs on us.

“Our king gives us our orders, not either of them,” he snarls out, turning towards me. “Especially not the bitch.”

That’s all it takes and the anger inside of me explodes. My left fist connects with the right side of the man’s jaw and an audible pop fills the air. He stumbles back, spitting out a tooth as he does.

“That’s right … you are her little toy. The one so caught up in her net, it took you weeks to figure out where your men were. A captain who became nothing but a cuckold for the pretty whore of Antalis.”

I run, tackling him to the ground, but he expected it. He rolls me over as more of the Prel come to gather around us. He is a blurry display of fists as I try to block his punches at my face.

He’s right. She’s made you weak. There is no hope left.

The thought races through my mind. Maybe he is right, and I do deserve this. It’s my fault… everything is my fault. So I let go, allowing my arms to fall to my sides. I’ve been so lost in my thoughts of her that I’ve become numb, except for the anger I feel now.

His fist meets my face and I start to laugh. It’s not a laugh of kindness or joy. The man holds off on his next punch, distracted by my reaction.

I launch up, moving him from atop me, to stand. Before he can right himself, my boot connects to his side. A groan escapes from his lips and I laugh more.

Doesn’t it feel good?

It does feel good to get this out, to let the anger go. To feel something beside the pain of losing her again.

“Thylas stop!” Rhenor’s voice comes from behind me, but I ignore him. The tip of my boot connects with the man’s ribs with a sicking thud.

Rhenor grabs my arm, pulling me back. I turn, fist held high as I turn toward him. He catches my arm by the wrist and yells, “Thylas! Stop this! This isn’t you.”

I look at him and see the concern in his eyes, and the pity, and it’s a look I can’t stand. I shake him off and walk away from the camp.

I told Rhenor that when I thought there was no longer any faith left in the twin drops, I would let Carnaxa go. I underestimated how quickly it would happen. I watched her with Ereon in the snow and I watched her train with him. I’ve tried to ignore the smile she gives him, the same one she once gave me. It should be me but it’s not, and I knew this would be the way of things long ago — I just refused to make my peace with it. I’ve become weak, from how she has treated me regardless of her intent, the impact remains. So blinded by everything that has happened, I can’t lead anyone if I continue the way I am.

I look at the full moon above me, the only reminder that the Goddess is here in this forsaken land. I know she will hear my words just as much as she did the night I made my oath to King Clennom, and the night I broke it wrapped up inside of Carnaxa.

I take off my shirt, baring my chest to the icy wind whipping around me. The neni is supposed to be done with both sides in agreement, but she’ll have to trust me one more time. I am willing to do whatever it takes if it means she can regain her memories.

She’ll thank you for it. Let Ereon have her.

My knees fall to the snow-covered ground and I grab the small dagger I keep on me. I take a deep breath as tears brim my eyes.

Don’t do this. A voice that reminds me of Carnaxa comes unbidden into my mind.

I have to do this. It’ll be one more scar I will bear for her. I cut over my heart, feeling the sharp sting as the blood slowly trickles down my chest, and then I throw the dagger to the ground. I put my hands in front of me, raising them and making the shape of the triangle with my forefingers and thumbs, the way the priestesses do for their ceremonies.

“ A ta?e liwe m? a sa?e. ” The words leave my lips, beginning the rite. “I let go of my claim.” I take a deep breath, finding the strength to finish. “ A ta?e liwe ke shimemi te ke ata. I deny the twin drop given by the Mother.” My heart thumps erratically, as if telling me I’m putting it in danger and my breath becomes labored. “ Kat? pi mire liwe pi m?tina kemoye . May we each go our own ways.”

My chest hurts as I finish saying the words. I watch as a silver ripple flows from me, but it’s not answered with another’s ebb. It lingers, glinting in the moonlight, alone. As the ripple dives back into my chest its color morphs into a haunting black, except for one remaining end, and I double over in agony and unleash a scream of anguish. I didn’t know it would feel like this, being torn apart and yet being put back together simultaneously. It’s worse than being whipped, because I’m ripping my soul into pieces.

Looking up, my eyes fixate on the moon, which gradually loses its brightness, signifying that the Goddess has heard, and the neni is now complete.

I stumble into my tent expecting to crash into bed and hope by the morning Carnaxa remembers what she needs to. After performing the neni , I decided I would drink until I couldn’t think about what I had done and it seems I succeeded. However, instead of falling face-first into my furs, I find Anara sitting on my bed playing with a flame between her palms, her brown hair framing her face as she looks up at my entrance. Her face pales.

Coming up to me, she asks with a panicked voice, “What have you done?”

“What needed to be done.” I brush past her, the sound of our clothes grazing against each other fills the silence.

She extends her hand towards me, but stops just short of making contact. “ You performed the neni ?” She reaches out again, feeling the surrounding air. “Thylas, please tell me you didn’t break the twin drop.”

“Why? You are the one who told me I was supposed to let her go! I’m supposed to ‘if our paths are different’ ... that’s what you told me. It’s because of me she can’t remember anything. I made a stupid oath to keep her on the right path and I fucked up, okay! I did this, and now I’m fixing it!” I walk away from her, throwing my swords to the corner of the room and grabbing the liquor from the table, drinking from the top of the bottle.

“I told you to let her go, not to destroy a twin drop.” She comes up next to me.

“It’s what I had to do!” I turn and yell at her face, but she doesn’t recoil, instead, she straightens her spine. Her eyes search mine and I wonder what she sees.

“It kept you safe! You just threw it away. For what?”

Her hazel eyes bore into mine, the green and brown seem to fight for dominance. “I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough! I’m so tired of knowing this is my fault, and I’m so tired of hearing them together every night!” Uncertainty and anger well up in my eyes as I speak, unable to hide the truth any longer. “I’m tired of being lonely.”

Anara boldly steps up to me, swiftly snatching the liquor from my grip, and proceeds to take a prolonged sip. As she looks into my eyes, her voice trembles with vulnerability as she whispers, “I’m tired of being alone too.”

Without thinking, I grab her shoulders and pull her close to me, my heart racing. Her lips are soft as they crash into mine. Her taste is a combination of spices and citrus as I seek entry into her mouth with my tongue. She opens her mouth slightly, letting her tongue dance with mine. She smells of jasmine as she wraps her arms around my neck. Anara’s fingers tangle in my hair, tugging at the leather strap that holds it together before tossing it aside. The chains on her wrist dangle between us.

I’ve always been one to find comfort in others — to stop feeling and thinking — and tonight is no different. Her hands mess with the laces of my pants. She releases the button and pushes the pants to my ankles and I step out of them. I fall to my knees and look up at her, her hands falling to my shoulders. My fingers trail up her calves and push her orange skirt up as I let my hands slide up the back of her thighs. “I’ll stop if you want me to,” I tell her, my hands halting in the middle of her thighs.

“Stop talking.” She exhales heavily, her breaths audible in the quiet tent.

With a firm grasp on her thighs, I effortlessly lift her up as I rise and her legs immediately lock around my waist. As she presses against me, the heat from her core ignites a fiery desire, making me even harder. I sit on the edge of the bed as she gathers my shirt at my waistband and pushes it up. I balance her on my lap while I toss the shirt to the floor. She rakes her nails down my chest, leaning in to softly kiss the mark I made from my sword during the neni . As her chains hit my chest, a low growl of annoyance escapes me, and I quickly snatch them. My veins feel as if they are on fire as I pull her closer to me with them. “These are in the way.”

She bites at my neck. “Can’t do anything about those, Ambassador. Deal with it or get yourself off.”

Her attitude is one thing I like about her. She’s never one to hide from saying what she wants. She positions herself over me, easing onto me and I groan at the feeling. I clutch her strapless top and lower it, revealing her breast, and I playfully tease her nipple with my tongue.

With her skirt pushed up around her waist, Anara rides me slowly, taking pleasure how she wants it. She digs her fingers into my shoulders as her body heats up beneath my touch. She feels as if she herself is on fire, and I notice the fire in the hearth is growing.

I stand up, grabbing her by the waist, and effortlessly toss her back onto the bed. As Anara’s legs swing off the edge, I seize hold of one and bring it up to my chest, allowing her foot to rest near my shoulder. I thrust inside of her with force and speed, and a moan escapes her lips. The chains catch my attention again and I grab at them, letting her leg fall to my waist and she wraps her silken calf around me.

The chains heat beneath my touch and all I can think of is how I want them off. They are nothing but a reminder that the King of Shaston thinks he owns her — and us, since we all share the same black bracelets we still can’t seem to remove. I continue my thrusts, my grip on the chains tightening, while the crackling sound of the raging fire fills the air behind me. I grit my teeth; my mind is consumed with anger and these chains are making it worse.

“ Riph shur !” I growl the Shamalish words, saying them without thought. The chains drop onto the bed with a clink. We both pause and she gazes up at me with wide eyes. As she massages her wrist, I swiftly snatch the shackles and hurl them across the room.

“Your turn.” As she speaks, her hips sway and a shiver runs down my spine .

I grab the black cuff. “ Riph shur. ” The cuff falls into my palm. I glance at it and toss it towards her shackles. “What just happened?”

She smiles. “An answer to a question.” Her hand guides mine along her tanned stomach, delicately caressing over her breast, until finally resting beneath her throat. “If you want to stop and talk about it we can, or you can finish what you started.” She raises her eyebrows at me, her eyes sparkling mischievously as a playful smile tugs at the corners of her mouth.

I wrap my hand around her throat, leaning down and pushing into her again. “Oh, Anara … I always finish what I start.”