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twenty-three

Thylas

“ W e’ve only just arrived and we are now expected to go on yet another journey?” Siphonie whispers to Rhenor.

I squeeze the bridge of my nose. She wasn’t supposed to be here. I told her that. It was just supposed to be Ereon and me, but Rhenor refused to stay behind, as did she. The King snorts and I know he heard her.

“Did you enjoy watching your husband flogged, Bêlit Siphonie? Perhaps I should issue more lashes.” The King stares at her and she stares right back.

“She is correct.” I try to draw Atlas’ attention back to me. “We have only just arrived. Prince Ereon and Princess Carnaxa have just been wed. Surely we can wait a few moon cycles or you can send others?”

The King clenches his jaw and eyes me with a hatred I’ve seldom seen. “Prince Ereon has his duties … I have other matters to attend to and can’t continually worry about you.”

I feel a faint pain at my back, but I pay it no mind. I’ve been having phantom pains after whipping Rhenor and Ereon. I look to Rhenor, who told me last night that he regrets nothing I had to do and he would do it again if need be, for Siphonie. His words don’t help me feel better, though. I should have never been the one to raise my hand against him. I even felt guilty harming Ereon, a little bit anyway. Then something shifted suddenly and I found myself relishing in his pain.

You loved it.

He shouldn’t even be walking, but here he is. Standing in the corner of the room as if he doesn’t have open wounds across his back.

“We’ll be ready by tomorrow morning to head to the north. We’ll bring some of the Prel there, and then we will send men to Midaeliea,” Ereon says as he stands up from the wall and bows to his father. “Thank you. We will prepare to leave.”

His father turns to look at him and waves us away before saying, “Ambassador, stay for a moment. ”

The rest continue to leave the room and I turn to the King, not saying anything. He taps his fingertips across the stone of his throne.

“So how did a bastard from Shaston become Ambassador to Antalis?”

My mouth dries as I try to answer. I wasn’t expecting him to know, but I won’t deny my ancestry. It would be worse to deny who I am than embrace it in front of him. “I don’t know. My father hated me and threw me into the sea. I found myself on Antalis’ shores.”

“A man from Shaston tried to kill a male of their blood? Interesting. But even more interesting is that King Clennom took you in. Why would a man take you into the palace, of all places?”

I take a breath. If I lie, he could find out the truth. But I don’t need him digging further into the full story, for Carnaxa’s sake. If he found out I took her maidenhood, it could destroy us both.

“Princess Carnaxa found me when she was a child. King Clennom pitied me and extended grace, I guess.”

“So much so that you became Captain of the Ke Neye and Princess Carnaxa’s personal guard. Not only that, but now you are Ambassador.” He eyes me. “What was your father’s name?”

“Reph Lismu, Your Highness. He lived here in Shaston, as a builder.”

“He’s one of the men I sent to the north. I was told he does good work keeping the defenses built up against the kukhe. If I remember correctly, he requested to go up there. And your mother?” He straightens in his seat, leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees.

“Her name was Shahri.”

He sits back against his chair. “Think that was the name of the woman he killed before he requested to go up north.” He seems to ponder. “Or maybe that’s the name of a whore in the yir supa. It’s such a common name, I’m sure she wasn’t anything to remember. Regardless, you are dismissed.”

I haven’t given serious thought into wondering if my parents are still alive, but thinking my father killed her saddens me more than I expected. She wasn’t a bad mother. She tried to protect me as best she could. She always made sure I was fed each night, even if she went without for days.

You deserved so much more.

I open the door to a meeting room, one we all agreed to meet in before we went to the King’s summons. I can’t help but smile at the sight of Carnaxa. She stands in the back laughing with Siphonie, and it’s all I can do not to run and pull her into my arms. She pushes her hair back over her shoulder and I see it, a lover’s mark. The happiness I once felt comes crashing down at the reminder that once those marks were mine.

“I’ll keep the party small. We won’t be there long. Just long enough to gather enough soldiers to send them to Midaeliea and Antalis,” Ereon says to Rhenor, who looks over a map of Ashonera.

“Shouldn’t Carnaxa stay here given her state, is she even healthy enough to travel?” I ask, startling them all. “Why do we all have to go?”

Ereon straightens to adjust the swords on his back. “I’m not leaving her here. After I whip —” He cuts off his words and looks at Carnaxa. “After what happened at the whipping post, and what he did to Anara in my absence, I won’t risk it.”

“Then I could stay here with her. Worried things might change here if I don’t go with you?” I look at Carnaxa and her cheeks blush. I don’t know why I said it, but it feels like the truth as it slips off my tongue.

Ereon is in my face in an instant. “Do you want to stay here with my father, Thylas? Enjoy getting to be on the other side of a whip for once? Want more practice while I’m gone? Because that’s what it will be, or worse.” I shove him back a couple of steps. Ereon comes rushing at me, and my back crashes against a wall.

“Stop!” Carnaxa and Siphonie yell together.

He grabs my shirt with his left hand and aims his right fist for my face. I throw my hands up and block the punch. He punches at me again, but this time I grab his wrist and twist him away while simultaneously pushing his hand away from my shirt. I shove him back to the other side of the room, then charge, tackling him to the ground. My legs pin down his thighs as he blocks my punches.

Rhenor stands against the wall, his arms folded across his chest. He will not get in the middle of whatever this is, not yet. As Carnaxa lunges towards us, Rhenor quickly reaches for her, grabbing for the crook of her elbow, and narrowly misses as she strides our way.

Ereon manages to loosen the hold I have on him, rolls me off, and gets to his feet. I stand up after him and we circle each other. Someone grabs at my shoulder, but I shrug them off.

We lunge at each other once again before Carnaxa bellows,“That is enough!”

Both of us stop immediately and we look at each other before looking down.

Our feet are frozen to the floor. Small shards of icicle-like vines wrap around our boots and the vines lead to Naxa. I drop my hands. She stands there with a look of terror on her face.

“If you are constantly fighting each other, you can’t focus on the journey we must make.” She turns around and huffs loudly. “And can someone please find a way to remove this cuff? Siphonie and I are tired of wearing it. We’ve tried taking them off, but we can’t figure out how. The material keeps rubbing against my skin and feels like it’s burning. I already have a permanent brand. I don’t need another.”

She turns and walks away as if nothing happened, and instantly my feet feel free. Looking down, nothing is there.

I thumb at the black bracelet, trying to see if I can get it off when I notice there is no longer a latch like there was when I put it on.

“Once they are on, my father is the only one who can remove them while inside the Shaston border. They can be removed on their own when you leave the kingdom — but it shouldn’t be burning,” Ereon says as he walks to her and picks up her hand. “Let me see.”

He turns her wrist back and forth. “It’s red. We will add some ointment to the chaffed area. I would ask my father to remove it, but it would be pointless. I’ve asked many times for myself, the answer was always no. I grew up wearing one, so it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you. I should have. It’s our kingdom’s expectation.”

Carnaxa nods her head and he kisses the inside of her wrist. She turns her attention back to Siphonie.

Ereon walks over to me. “Something’s different with her ...”

“Obviously. She’s never been this outspoken in public.” I want to roll my eyes. “Something like this” — I gesture to where our legs were frozen — “happened in the pass.”

“I remember. Let’s get things figured out and then I want you to talk to her.” Ereon runs a hand down his beard. “She might not remember, but I do. She needs you just as much as she needs me.”

A soft knock interrupts us and Anara peeks her head inside the door before she slips through. Her bruises have gotten better, the white of her eye is almost fully visible. I’ve been bringing extra rations with me at night. She was so thin when I first met her, but she’s slowly starting to look better.

“Anara, why are you here?” Ereon and I echo each other as she approaches us.

She smirks. “I’m her handmaiden now. I was coming to help her prepare for the trip. Sache Ataiun says I’ll be going along. ”

I reach out and grab her upper arm, lowering my voice as I ask, “Did he hurt you?”

Ereon glares at where I touch her. Good, now maybe he will understand.

Anara shakes her head. “No. I’m fine.”

She walks around us and goes to Carnaxa and Siphonie.

“Are you two finished? Because Carnaxa is right, you have to stop fighting. I thought we had all gotten past this,” Rhenor says as he shakes his head while looking at Ereon. “We’ll figure out the messy bits of the relations later, right now, we have very few we can trust. Despite who your father is, I believe we can trust you.”

Can they trust you?

“I’m finished if he is,” Ereon says before he walks back to the map still spread across the table.

“I know things are rough right now, Thylas,” Rhenor says. “But we have to keep our heads on straight. Atlas would love nothing more than to divide us even further. He knows more than he lets on. Don’t let him fool you, and stop letting your emotions rule.”

“I know ... he asked about my parentage earlier. Says my father is at the outpost in the north and my mother is dead. I think he knew who I was before he asked me.”

Anara’s voice catches my attention. She already has Siphonie giggling about something. A mystery she is, always seeming to make everyone around her calm. Anara stops and looks at me, a faint smile flickers across her lips.

“I found Lelfait, Thylas,” Rhenor beckons my attention. “He and the others are safe, but restricted, just as the King told you. What are we going to do?”

“I’ll request they accompany us on our journey … If he’ll give me an audience,” I respond and run an arm up my shoulder pressing against the tension there.

“I doubt he will see either of us, he expects us to leave as soon as we can,” Ereon offers. “I knew they were to be kept elsewhere, but haven’t thought about your soldiers since we arrived.”

“It’s been a rough couple of days, and they aren’t your responsibility. They are mine.” I sit down in the chair next to the table, rubbing my temples. The men are safe, but restrained. Carnaxa isn’t acting as she should, and now we have to prepare for the northern journey. I let out a frustrated sigh, so much to do and yet my mind only swirls with thoughts of her.

“Naxa, can I talk to you ... please?” I jog up to her as she walks with Anara back to her room.

Carnaxa looks back at me before nodding to Anara. “I’ll be there shortly. Go on without me.”

“Ambassador Thylas, how can I help you?” She stares up at me.

“Can you come with me? My room is just around the corner here, I would prefer not to speak in the open.”

She seems hesitant before she nods and then confidently walks into the middle of the small room I’m lodging in .

“ Noh? ... Naxa.” I step toward her and reach out to take her hand, but she pulls it from my grasp. “I’m sorry. It’s hard that you don’t remember.”

“I don’t remember, but Ereon told me. He told me of the night we shared and of what he knew before. I know you were whipped, and it was my fault, because you stayed with me when my mother died.” She says everything as if she’s memorized it, a lack of emotion in her words. But it’s her eyes that give her away. I know that look.

“Even after being told y-you don’t believe it?”

“I find it hard to believe, yes. But I’ll admit, I don’t know why he would lie about it. I think he told me the truth as he knows it …”

Confusion scatters across my face. “What would I have to gain from lying to you?”

“Power. You worked your way up in Antalis and maybe you still want more.”

“Me? You think I am capable of such betrayal?” I pace the floor, and my palms become clammy. She’s always trusted me, always believed in me. What changed?

“I think it’s plausible. Siphonie swears you tell the truth, but now I wonder if it wasn’t you deceiving all of us this whole time. Maybe you didn’t actually care for me. I was told that you didn’t act on your feelings until far into my betrothal with Ereon. I watched your face as you whipped him. You wanted to hurt him. I saw hate fill your eyes. No one can show me proof of anything, but I saw the ripples with Ereon the night of the Nle Shom . ”

I didn’t want to whip Ereon, not truly. Not at first. Then everything just came in waves and I got lost in my own thoughts, but it was only for a moment. And it only took a moment to send him to his knees.

I was always there for Naxa, during our time as children and into adulthood, even before I acted on my true feelings. I wanted her, but it was better if she didn’t love me back because I knew that soon the day would come when I would have to let her go. She was never going to choose me, she would have always chosen what is best for her people. A tightness pulls in my chest. This is my fault. The oath I made. These are the consequences. The lack of ripples, the evidence of our twin drop connection.

“Naxa, I wish I had proof. I bore your marks on my back for a week after our night together. I never left your side. I have been your shadow since I was eleven. I have dedicated my entire life to you. Even coming back to this goddess-forsaken kingdom of my birth, which I swore never to return to.”

Her blue eyes fill with revulsion before she whispers, “You are a Shastonian?”

Pla nloph! The Shamilish curse cuts through my thoughts. I’ve not even been back in Shaston long and already the language has returned as if I’d never left. Did no one tell her? Have I ever told her? I can’t remember right now.

Her voice rises as she subtly accuses me, “How fitting that a boy from Shaston should be the one to rise in ranks to a new position of the highest power — Ambassador of Antalis — instead of my cousin, Siphonie, or her husband. Who is to say that the King of Shaston did not send you to our shores for this exact purpose?”

No. Kos?. No. I look at her, thinking of all the moments we’ve shared. But also I try to think of how it would sound if I was in her position, if I hadn’t witnessed the ripples between us. If I couldn’t remember, would I see myself the same as she does now?

“They may trust you, Thylas ... but right now, I don’t. Goodnight, Ambassador.” She starts to move towards the door.

Panic rises inside of me — the ripples — the twin drops. She saw that with Ereon through the Nle Shom , surely she can still see ours. I grab her arm, turning her back towards me. Just as I did on the night of T?ht and Mar , I wrap my hand around the back of her neck, pulling her to me. I let my lips crash into hers, letting her taste of sea salt and sugar take over me. I wrap my hands in her hair, praying to the Goddess that the ripples will show and she will see them.

Show her your strength.

She pushes against my chest, but I don’t release her. Hoping if I can just keep her here long enough, she’ll remember. Soon a flash of pain causes me to release her, and she stands with her hand still raised. Her lips swollen, she clutches at her chest. And I reach up to feel the heat of my cheek.

She turns to the door, pulls it open, and runs out. The door bounces off the wall and then stills, but I can’t bring myself to go shut it. I can’t bring myself to do anything.

I yell loudly before I grab the thing closest to me — a book — and throw it against the wall. It lands with a thud. And I know I’ll never have her back. Because even if she remembers, I’ll still be the one who forced myself on her.