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twenty-four

Anara

“ D o you have any clothing that is good for the snow, Princess?” I looked through her wardrobe and all I could find were the Antalian clothes she brought and a few Shastonian outfits. When she arrived in her room, after meeting with Thylas, she was visibly shaken. She hasn’t told me what happened, but she seems to have calmed down. She is mostly quiet, lost in her own thoughts. I wonder how many of those thoughts revolve around me or my place here. I wonder about it often too, where my place will be when everything comes to fruition.

“I don’t know ...” She cocks her head as if thinking. “Are these all of my things?”

I rummage around the room until I finally spot a chest in the back of the wardrobe. I open it up and find a white fur shawl.

“I found this. Looks like it’s pesho fur?” I hold it up and fluff it out. “Signs of good luck, they say. Cute animals, vicious little creatures though.”

“A pesho ? Vicious? I’ve never heard that before. I’ve seen illustrations from when they roamed, before the Great War. I bet they were sweet.” She touches the fur, as if trying to place it. “Ilias gave me this, for my trip here.” She smiles. “Maybe I am remembering things.”

“That was thoughtful. This is from Antalis? I didn’t know you would have a need for such an item there.” I take the shawl to brush it out when I notice it is heavier than I expected.

“We don’t. Her family deals in trades and she had it. What are you doing?”

Carnaxa comes to my side as a silver dagger slips out of the shawl and clangs to the floor. The light blue stone atop the pommel catches my eye. It’s a larimar, or a version of one. It’s more vibrant than the ones found now. This one is older. I lean down to pick it up, avoiding the sharp edge of the blade. Larimar is rare like the fire agate from San’Doma. I had a fire agate, a gift from my mother before I reached these sands — now it is hidden somewhere by the King, its usefulness already gone. But this stone hums between my fingertips .

Carnaxa reaches out hesitantly, taking the blade. “I want you to be the shark.” She mumbles under her breath and seems frozen, lost in a daydream.

“Princess Carnaxa, are you feeling well?”

“Yes,” she mutters. Then she speaks louder, “Yes, I am. Just a memory. Ambassador Thylas gave this to me, I think.” She turns it over in her palms before placing it on her bed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you that. You don’t know me, nor do I know you. But I’m just lost. I don’t feel like myself. I feel different. I remember things, but it’s like catching a raindrop. As soon as I think I have it, it evaporates.”

“Many have found me easy to speak with.” I nod my head in agreement, knowing too well what it’s like to have memories that seem fleeting. “What happened to you changed you. It’s only normal that you don’t feel the same as you once did.”

“I don’t remember what happened, not truly, but that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s in my blood. My soul. I don’t feel the same. I’m not the same.”

“Even if the mind doesn’t remember, the body does.” I smile at her, her gaze focusing on the flickering candle. “Let’s finish getting you packed.”

I watch as she moves with grace taught only to the royals. She walks with her head held high and back straight, even though her thigh still pains her. Carnaxa continues looking through her things in the trunk and tosses most of the clothing to the floor.

“I won’t be allowed to wear these, might as well throw them out.” She shrugs .

“They are beautiful.” I run my hands across the brightly-colored fabrics. “We should at least keep them should you return to Antalis. You wish to return, don’t you?”

“Of course I do, but ... I’m worried. If I ever go back, I’ll never want to return here. I know now what this place is truly like.”

I have no words to respond with because I understand her. I used to believe that if I could return to Minasa, my village, I wouldn’t return to Shaston either. Then I gave away a piece of my heart. I knew what I was doing, and yet I did not.

“I have a question,” Carnaxa’s words break the silence. “I know you are Ereon’s lover, and I know he loves you. But I’m curious ...” She bites her lip. “How can you love him if he’s your owner?”

I laugh. “No one owns me, not truly. Men here think that because I wear these shackles and they can have me do things, they own me. But no one can own a soul, and trust me — my soul is very free. Ereon knows that. But a part of me loves him, because he’s not what I thought he would be.” I sigh, finding the words to explain in a way she’ll understand. “My father sold me. He was a weak man and married into the Minasa people. He didn’t understand our importance. What we are. My mother wanted something other than what was available to her. Regardless, when I arrived in Shaston, I expected the Prince to be a version of his father. He isn’t. Ereon is kind, even though he shouldn’t be.”

I let my fingers dance at my side, twisting in and out of the fabric of my skirt. “Ereon was five years old when he started receiving beatings from his father and ten when he was told to inflict such pain on others. I don’t know if he told you that. If he didn’t do as he was told, not only would his father appoint someone else to inflict the punishments, but he’d whip Ereon along with his mother, until she no longer walked this world. He learned to hide it — the pain, the beatings, the guilt — all of it. He takes it and he hides behind a charming smile. But you’ve been able to see behind his mask, and that’s how —”

I walk away from her, to the candle flickering in the sconce. I turn my back to her, lifting my hands so that the flames can barely lick the fingertips there, to anyone else I’m just warming my hands. It doesn’t burn, but it grounds me for what I have to say. Because I’m partly to blame for all this, too. “It’s how I know that while I was the one to help give him courage, you are going to be the one to free him.”

She’ll be the one to free all of us.

“She’s sleeping in your room,” I answer as I finish packing for the trip. Carnaxa had little to say after I said she would be the one to free Ereon. I expected that. What could she say?

“I’ve been trying to find you.” Ereon’s words fill the space between us, but I can feel him stepping closer to me. He smells of citrus and rain, as always, and now, mildly of blood.

“Your wounds are open on your back. Let me get some ointment and bandages.” I retrieve the small pack I had just finished preparing — my medicine bag.

He puts his arm out in front of me, halting me .

“I’m not worried about the wounds. I’ll take care of them later. I want to talk to you.”

“There is nothing to speak about ...” I try to walk past him, my shackles clanging in the silence. “I know what I was and I know what my place is. I had no preconceived notion that what we had was forever.” Before I can breathe, he turns me around to face him. He looks down and cups my cheek.

“I did.” He leans down to kiss me, but I pull away from him.

“Your soon-to-be queen is waiting for you. You should go to her.” I turn my face so he doesn’t see that my eyes are betraying me.

I hear his heavy steps follow me, but I refuse to turn to him.

“I still love you, Anara. Carnaxa, she’ll understand ... I know she will. I know it’s not what I envisioned, but I can’t help —”

“Fate?” My voice shakes as I begin, “There are things you don’t know, Ereon. Many things, and I just ... I can’t keep pretending. Not anymore.”

He wraps his arms around my waist. “You weren’t pretending to love me, so whatever it is, we will get through it, and past it. My father won’t live forever.”

He pulls me into his chest and I wish I could find the same comfort here that I once did. Maybe it was finally seeing her, speaking to her, or watching what happened to her. In Minasa, I was told our knowledge was a blessing, but I will be the one who turned it into a curse.

I let his coolness envelop me for the last time. I should tell him, I need to. His father almost did. I almost told Thylas, but I’m not yet ready to face the truth. Not tonight. Tonight, I want one last memory.

I turn quickly and grab his face, pulling him down to me. He pulls me into him, his arms wrapping around my waist. I don’t break the kiss for air has no importance at this moment. I let his tongue explore my own, dancing a dance it has so many times. The cold chains between my shackles graze his chest and I let myself get lost in the memories, in the moments we’ve shared. The moments I’ve stolen. I just hope that one day, he won’t hate me.

Before I can change my mind, I push against his chest, making him release me. He looks confused as he grapples for breath.

“Go.” I walk to the door, hearing him once again trying to chase me. “Don’t. Ereon. Let me go.”

I open the door and the warm air of the hallway reaches me. I shut the door behind me, not allowing him to plead with me. Because if I give into him right now, I’ll get lost in him once again.