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twenty-one

Ereon

T wo rounds of lashings was not exactly how I thought my return to Shaston would go. But I’ll take more if it keeps that look of despair off the faces of those I’ve come to care for, especially Carnaxa. I know how much love is between her and her cousin. I didn’t think my father would try to whip Siphonie. The arrogance in his actions today concerns me, he has always thought he ruled the world, but to purposefully try to hurt a Bêlit of Antalis — that’s bold even for him.

I run the water down my back, trying to cleanse the stinging wounds. Carnaxa asked if she could help, but I can tell by the look she still bears that what she saw today stunned her. Not just what happened to me, no that invoked sympathy, but also because of the whippings I had to inflict on others. She saw the monster that I truly am. I didn’t want to do it any more than she wanted me to, but it’s better if the lashes came from my hand. The alternative is Sache Ataiun. I cause pain, but I don’t break the people. Their wounds will heal. Ataiun has no issue inflicting death, so I’ve made peace with my part in this already.

I pat dry my wounds as much as I can before walking back into the room where she stands staring at the sand-swept vista from the balcony. The sun barely peaks out from the horizon and the balcony is covered enough in shadows that she doesn’t have to worry about being burned. I can already feel the temperature dropping. Soon we will be able to see our breath. I reach out and grab a fur robe and place it on her shoulders. She startles, but doesn’t look at me.

“I want you to train me ... to fight.” Her words stop me.

“To fight?”

She nods her head. “Yes. I want you to train me in … something. I want to be able to defend myself.”

“And what weapon would you like?”

Carnaxa turns and looks up at me, surprise spread across her features. She thought I would deny her. I could never deny her anything. She could request the sun that blisters and I would turn to ash bringing it to her .

“I don’t know. I just ... I won’t be helpless anymore. There are too many things here that could cause me harm. ”

I want to reach out and touch her to help her feel more secure. But I still don’t know where she stands with what she saw today, so instead I rub my hand across my thigh.

“A staff then. Someone will underestimate you with that choice, but if you learn to use it well it will take down any opponent. I can help, but Anara —” I stop at her name. Guilt festering inside of me, I should find her. I need to find her, to see her, and hold her.

“The Princes’ orur? That’s what the women who helped me prepare called her when she came in from your door.” She pulls the fur closer around her. “At the time I thought she might have been your sister, but now I realize how naive that was. Then the King mentioned she’s your whore, but she’s more than that. She’s your lover, isn’t she?”

I didn’t know Anara helped her prepare besides the few moments I saw her before the Nle Shom . I was taking my father’s beating leading up to the ceremony and I assumed she stayed hidden in my room.

“She is. I —” I stop and turn her toward me, the cold air sweeping around us. “She’s the reason I wanted to bring you back to Shaston, my father … he held her here. He hurt her while I was gone. I thought you would be a means to a way to save her I didn’t expect —”

“That we would be twin drops? I didn’t either … I don’t think.” She moves away from my touch and makes her way into the bedroom. “Do you still want her in your life?”

“If I do?” I ask hesitantly. What would happen if she told me she wouldn’t accept Anara in my life? Could I choose?

“I grew up in Antalis, family units aren’t uncommon. If you do, I can accept having another friend. Come, I’ll apply the ointment to your back and then you can apply it to my thigh. I’m tired of this day.”

Shock, it’s the only thing that explains her response. She’s too calm, too collected, but her eyes swirl with emotions I can’t understand. I walk to her and let the cool sensation of the paste calm my aching back before my fingers softly apply it to her thigh. She throws off the fur robe and slides between the sheets and I crawl in behind her.

She curls on her side away from me and I gently graze her bare arm with my fingers. She doesn’t move closer and I don’t force her. As I start to drift off, I feel her body shake and the unmistakable sound of soft sobs.

“ Ryehro?” I lie there, unsure of what to do. I know why she cries, because she’s forced to be here, with me. Not only is she forced to be in this kingdom, but now she’s seen the true man that I am, there is no reason for her to not hate me. “I’m sorry for today ... I’m sorry you were forced to wed a monster.”

She turns over at my words and looks straight at me, her blue eyes lined with crystal tears. “Ereon, you aren’t the monster, your father is. I’m upset that no one was able to save you. I’m sorry that you came to Midaeliea and Antalis when you were younger and no one tried to help you. I’m sorry that I don’t remember things. I’m sorry that my father is locked inside his palace without anyone. I’m sorry that I’m angry. I’m sorry that my friend died. And I’m so tired of being and feeling sorry. I want to change things, but I don’t know how. I’m trying to keep it all together, but I’m lost …”

I rub my thumb across her cheek, expecting wetness to touch my fingertips, but instead I brush away a small, thin shard of ice. I look at her. A fierceness shines through her eyes even though she’s upset, and I remember the pass and what we saw there. As I swipe her cheek again, all I find are salty tears that shine in the moonlight.

“As long as I am with you, I’ll never let you be lost alone. I’m right here, always. We will find a way to change things. ”

“Thank you,” she says before she buries her head in my chest and I listen as sleep takes her.