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thirty-eight

Thylas

R henor’s face is one of fury as he marches towards me. His heavy boots create craters in his wake. I haven’t seen this look on his face since after Belina’s death. Siphonie and Carnaxa sprint towards Rhenor, who is already preparing to throw a punch. Ereon beats them to us and tries to grab Rhenor. Rhenor shakes him off, gritting his teeth as he looks at me.

I raise my hands in defense. “Rhenor, listen ...”

Rhenor’s left fist swings towards me, but I block the punch and step back. “I did what I had to.”

Ereon walks towards Siphonie and Carnaxa. “Let them deal with whatever this is between them,” he whispers, as I see Rhenor grabbing for me again.

Rhenor’s fist is clenched to the top of my armor as he yells at me, “You had a gift ... a gift ... and the first time, the first time that shit got hard — you threw it away like a child!” His face is inches away from me and I grab at his wrist. But I know now why he is furious. He can judge me all he wants, but I did what I had to. Anger bubbles inside of me at his righteous indignation, as if I don’t know what I did.

“I bear the scars of the time ‘shit got hard’ to this day, I know what it was like to carry that pain for years. Don’t think this was a simple choice for me,” I shout at him.

Rhenor roars his reply, “That’s your answer? That it wasn’t a simple choice? Physical pain is always easier than the pain the heart creates. This pain, for both of you, will never go away. I thought I taught you better than this. You know how much it hurt when I lost Balenia and you just take a precious gift and act as if it’s nothing!”

Anara emerges from my tent, wrapped in nothing but one of my cloaks. Her feet are bare, but instead of shivering she stands tall among the snow-covered land.

Rhenor releases my collar and I fall to the ground. Rhenor’s eyes scan over Anara. “Tell me this isn’t why ... tell me she isn’t why.”

I jump up, brushing the back of my pants off from the snow. “It’s not like that! Carnaxa doesn’t even remember who I am! How am I supposed to live like that?” I want to fight back but he’s still my friend and someone I look up to. I know how much it hurt him when Belina died. He sees this as a treachery of something he wished he could have, of something sacred.

“So you find the first willing body?” Rhenor’s words are laced with a venom.

Siphonie steps away from Carnaxa trying to calm him down. “Rhenor ... what’s going on?”

Rhenor jerks his hand in my direction, as I stand panting trying to calm and catch my breath. “Ask him.” He turns to Siphonie, leaning down and pulling her into his chest before he says, “I’ll be back. I’ve got to go walk this off.” He kisses her forehead and walks away.

She pulls her hood over her brow as the snow falls faster. “I can’t let him go on his own, Naxa. Will you be okay?”

“Go to your husband. I’ve got her,” Ereon says, putting her hand in his. He leans down to face her and asks, “Are you okay?”Carnaxa nods.

Anara walks toward me, her face emotionless. Anara’s arms slip from beneath the dark brown cloak she has haphazardly across her shoulders, her palms dusting the rest of the snow from my back. I shouldn’t want her comfort, but she’s willingly giving it.

“Where are your shackles?” Ereon asks.

She stops and pulls the surrounding cloak tighter before her hazel eyes meet his. “I’m sorry, Ereon ... I didn’t mean for things to happen.”

“That’s not the question I asked, Anara. Where are your shackles? My father is the only one with the key.” He reaches out to grab at her, but I put my arm in front of Anara pushing her back behind me. “This isn’t her fault.”

“No ... it’s yours.” The words slip from between Carnaxa’s half-frozen lips and I turn suddenly to face her. Her voice isn’t her own as she meets my gaze. “You are the reason everyone is upset this morning. What did you do?”

“ I …” I stumble over my words, I expected her to know. I did what was necessary didn’t I? “Don’t you remember anything from before we reached Shaston?” I ask.

“Just the same as I remembered yesterday. Why would you ask me that again?”

My heart feels as if it falls even deeper into a dark hole inside my chest. It didn’t work. “I ... I thought this would work, it was my only choice. I had to perform the neni .”

Horns blare throughout the camp. Ereon turns and looks over his shoulder. “Fuck, we have visitors,” he says, before turning back to face us. “We are having a conversation — soon — about all of this. For now, keep Anara somewhere she can’t be seen. It’ll be interesting as I find a way to explain why she doesn’t have her shackles anymore. But for now, we have to greet whoever is arriving.”

He leans down, kissing Carnaxa on the cheek. “Go do whatever you need to do to get ready. I don’t know who the scouts have seen, so it would be best not to be in your fighting leathers. I’ll come get you soon, if I can’t — I’ll send Ryul.”

“Okay. Be careful, please,” she says without argument .

Ereon walks toward where the other soldiers are gathering to greet the incoming guest. I look at Carnaxa, hoping something will change — anything — and yet she just turns on her heels and retreats to her tent.

Anara reaches up her hand, resting it softly on my shoulder. “Come … let’s get you settled.”