Page 99 of The Sun Sister

‘Is it okay to ask you what you’re in for?’ he said.

‘Yeah, there are no secrets here, are there? Alcohol and substance abuse.’

‘Ditto.’

‘Really? I saw you in the canteen last night and you didn’t look like a guy who’d just gone through detox.’

‘I haven’t, I’ve been clean for over five years now, but I just come back here every year to rest and remind myself what’s at stake. It’s easy to think you can handle everything when you’re here with support all around you, but out there in the big bad world, it can close in on you again.’

‘What do you do?’

‘I’m a lawyer,’ he said. ‘The pressures build up and...I want to make sure I never explode and end up back where I was, but hey, you must know all about that.’

‘Yup,’ I said as we arrived at the entrance to The Ranch.

‘All I can say is, don’t rush it, take your time. It’s a disease we can never be cured of; the answer is to learn how to manage it properly. Listen to what the people here say, Electra, because they know how to save your life. See you around.’ He gave me a small wave and marched off along the corridor on a pair of toned legs that were even longer than my own.

‘Well,’ I whispered to myself, feeling shell-shocked. Miles had an air of gravitas about him that reminded me of my grandmother.In any court, I’d want that guy on my side, I thought as I walked in for breakfast, feeling hot and bothered. And it wasn’t just from the run.

‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’

I chanted the serenity prayer that signalled the end of the meeting, along with the five others in the small AA circle. I was holding hands with Ben, a bass guitar player in a band I’d never heard of, and a new woman called Sabrina on the other side of me. I could see Sabrina was still tearful – she had just shared her story with us.

‘I had everything, and then I threw it away down the neck of a bottle,’ she’d said, her hands clenched together in front of her. She was a petite Asian woman and her black hair hung in a shiny curtain around her thin face. ‘I’ve lost my job, my husband, my family...I stole from everyone I knew – even my kids’ piggy banks – just to buy more liquor. It was only when I ended up in the ER because I’d passed out in my work restroom that I decided to come here.’ She bit her lip. ‘I can’t mess up or take my life for granted any longer.’

It struck me as I left the meeting that I too had taken my life for granted. I’d been so desperate for an escape, I had almost thrown it all away...

‘So, Electra, how have the last twenty-four hours been?’ Fi asked me later that morning.

‘Interesting,’ I said as I rubbed my nose.

‘Good, good.’ Fi smiled. ‘Can you tell me why?’

‘I...well, I don’t know exactly, but a lot of things seem to be coming into focus. It’s like I’ve been in a dream for the past year.’

‘In a sense, you have. That’s what substance abuse creates, except of course it all ends in a nightmare, as you know. So how does this clearer sense of reality make you feel?’

Here we go again...

‘Well, um, I feel euphoric that I’m clean, but ashamed because I’m remembering all the bad stuff I did to people and the way I was with them, and scared of falling back into the same pattern when I leave.’

‘Great, that’s just great, Electra!’ Fi gave me a smile. ‘You’re really making progress, and all these emotions you’re feeling at this stage are completely natural. Taking accountability for yourself and your behaviour towards others is a big step forward. You’re no longer a victim.’

‘A victim? Hell no, I was never a victim.’

‘You were, Electra, a victim of the abuse you were subjecting yourself to,’ Fi countered. ‘But now you’re dealing with it, fighting it and not being victimised by it, do you see?’

‘Yeah, I do, but I drank and took all that stuff tohelpme deal with my life, so no one would see me as a victim.’

‘Does the thought of being seen as a victim – as weak – scare you?’

‘Yeah, it sure does,’ I nodded vehemently. ‘Something my dorm mate said last night made me feel better, though.’

‘And what was that?’

‘That I stopped being weak when I asked for help.’

‘Do you think she was right?’