Page 26 of The Sun Sister

‘So you don’t know where I came from?’

‘Surely you must already know from your letter?’

‘I lost it,’ I shrugged, then stood up before she could reproach me. ‘I’m gonna go downstairs and get myself some coffee. Want anything?’

‘No thank you. I will put this little one back to bed and then follow you down when I’ve dressed.’

‘Okay, see you later.’

When Ally woke up at eight, I was already on my second vodka and wishing I’d arranged the jet back to New York for earlier. I had fourteen whole hours to somehow fill before I could leave. I seriously didn’t know how to do ‘downtime’; my boredom threshold was so low it was practically non-existent.

‘Fancy going out for a sail, Electra?’ Ally asked me over more of Claudia’s pancakes.

‘You mean on your Laser?’

‘Yes. The weather is beautiful and it’s perfect conditions – just enough of a breeze but not enough to make it unpleasant.’

‘You know that extreme sports aren’t my thing.’

‘Honestly, Electra, I’d hardly call a gentle sail on the lake when you just have to sit there and do nothing an “extreme sport”.’ Ally rolled her eyes. ‘Well, me and Bear are going, so I’ll see you later.’

I sighed heavily as she left, and ate a freshly baked muffin just because it looked lonely in the basket. Ally was back ten minutes later with Bear, who was wearing the cutest little life vest and was strapped around her waist in a papoose.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?’

‘No thanks,’ I reiterated, then wandered into the living room, deciding I should have a movie day. Switching on the screen, I looked through the piles of DVDs, but couldn’t find one that interested me.

‘Shit,’ I groaned, looking at my watch. What did I do here when I was bored and antsy as a kid?

You ran, Electra...

‘So I did,’ I murmured to myself. If I was upset or someone was cross with me (and it was normally both), I’d just take off into the mountains behind the house – I’d found a winding path that took me over some rough terrain, but wasn’t totally vertical – and run and run all the thoughts out of my head.

I paced up the stairs to my room and in my bottom drawer found my old Lycra leggings and a T-shirt with a rude slogan on it that Ma had insisted I turn inside out when I’d worn it. Beneath the clothes, I saw one of the old sketchbooks that I used to doodle in as a child. I pulled it out and leafed through the pages, which were half filled with pencil sketches I’d made of dresses with outrageous ruffled collars, jeans with a split running from thigh to hem, and shirts that looked formal at the front, but had no back...

‘Wow,’ I muttered, remembering the shirt I’d worn only recently for a photoshoot that was almost identical in style to the ones I’d drawn. I’d even attached samples of fabric I’d found, all of them brightly coloured. I’dlovedbright colours when I was younger. I slipped the book into the front pocket of my holdall, thinking that it was the one thing I had that linked my childhood self to the adult me. Then I retrieved my old running shoes from the back of the closet, changed, and left the house through the kitchen. I jogged through the vegetable garden and opened the back gate that led upwards towards the mountains.

I followed the path I’d last used ten years ago, and even though I went to the gym regularly, my legs ached and the last few metres were tough. I scrambled over boulders and slipped over damp, tough grass, but finally, I got there.

Panting hard, I stepped onto the rocky outcrop that represented only the foothills of the mountains still rising behind me, but had the most spectacular vista of the lake. I looked down on the rooftops of Atlantis, and with the advantage of all the therapy I’d had, realised why this view had been so special for me when I was younger: Atlantis had been my universe when I was young – all-encompassing – and yet up here it looked like a doll’s house – tiny and insignificant.

It gave me perspective, I told myself as I dangled my legs over the edge of the ridge.It even made me feel small.

I sat there for some time, enjoying what really was a fabulous day. Out on the lake, I saw what looked like a toy boat, its sail rippling in the breeze, gliding smoothly across the water. And suddenly, I didn’t want to go back down to reality, I wanted to stay right up here where no one could find me. I felt free and the thought of flying back to New York and the man-made mountains of Manhattan made my gut churn. There, everything was false and greedy and meaningless, while everything here was real and pure and clean.

‘Jeez, Electra, you’re starting to sound like Tiggy,’ I reprimanded myself. But even if I was, what did it matter? All I knew was that I was desperately unhappy, and that I envied each of my sisters their new full and happy lives. When Ma had talked about all of them bringing their new partners and friends and relatives to Atlantis, I’d felt even more lonely because I had no one I’d even think of bringing.

As I stood up, knowing I had to go back down simply because I’d stupidly forgotten to bring a water bottle with me and I was thirsty, I took one last look at the view.

‘How come I’m meant to have everything, but feel like I have nothing?’ I asked the mountains above me.

As I jumped off the ridge, I realised that somehow I needed to get myself a real life – and some love. But where I should begin to look for it, heaven – and maybe Pa within it – only knew.

In the days that followed once I was back in New York, I took the memory of how good I’d felt after my trek up the mountain at Atlantis and began to run in Central Park whenever my schedule allowed it. The good news was, even if anyone spotted me, I could out-pace them, no problem. I also tried to limit my alcohol intake and – maybe it was due to the running and the natural high I got from it – I didn’t feel the need to do so much coke. If I felt panicky, I opened the book ofTelegraphcrosswords I’d had delivered, and did one of those instead to calm myself.

In short, I felt a little more in control.

The only thing that was bugging me was that even though I’d searched my whole apartment, I couldn’t find Pa’s letter anywhere. I racked my brain to try and remember where I’d put the envelope when I’d moved into this place. I’d even had Mariam on the case too.