Page 268 of The Sun Sister

‘To a special place I know.’ He gave me a sideways glance. ‘You couldn’t be more suitably dressed if you tried.’

We didn’t speak much on the journey. We were no longer holding hands and I wished we were. I could see we were heading uptown towards Harlem. We stepped out in front of a restaurant on the main drag and went inside.

‘Welcome to La Savane. Thought it was time you were introduced to some African cuisine.’

Over delicious grilled fish, something called plantain and couscous, I gave him a potted version of what Stella had told me about my mom and her horrible death.

‘Wow, Electra, that’s all a very big deal. You sure you’re coping?’

‘Yeah, I am. I was worried that I wouldn’t, but it feels like my brain has had this humungous spring clean – a clear-out of all the shit that was in it, you know?’

‘Sounds like you’ve been baptised with holy water, and you’re starting afresh as a new person.’

‘Yup, if you want to use a religious metaphor, then that just about describes it. I expected to feel more upset about my mom – especially her terrible end – but as I said to Stella, I never knew her, and compared to the way I feel about Pa dying, it’s not hit me anywhere near as hard. I’ve decided I don’t want to go out to Hart Island – I read about it online and it sounds like such a miserable place. I mean, they buried unidentified bodies in a mass grave,’ I shuddered.

‘I agree, but maybe you could talk to Stella about marking her passing in some way.’

‘Yeah, that’s a cool idea, I will. I was also thinking how the sperm, as I call my biological dad, could still be alive.’

‘He could be, yes, and maybe one day you’ll get to find him if you want to. DNA testing is moving on fast, and I’m sure they’ll be building up some kind of data bank so that you can find blood relatives. But that’s not for now.’

‘No. Thanks for pulling me out of the apartment the way you did, by the way.’

‘I could see your grandmother was putting you under pressure and that’s the last thing you need right now. She’s a powerhouse, isn’t she? Full on when she wants something, but I guess that’s how she’s managed to achieve all those things. You don’t move mountains by not speaking up.’

‘What do you think about her idea of me telling my story to millions?’

‘That’s not for me to say, Electra.’

‘I know it isn’t, Miles, but I’ve got to ask someone their opinion, don’t I?’

‘I can see why she wants you to do it: you’re a public figure and an icon to young people across the world. Stella may be a thousand times more experienced in these things than you are, but any speech she gives won’t get the attention that a few words from you would attract.’

‘But I’m a face, not a voice.’

‘You are, and if that’s the way you prefer to stay, then don’t do this. The question has to be, Electra, is it?’

‘Yes...no...oh, I don’t know, Miles,’ I sighed. ‘I mean, I told you last night that I was thinking of making some changes. Modelling just isn’t enough for me anymore. And yes, maybe it is in my genes, but I do want to be a force for good and help kids like Vanessa. But there’s a big difference between doing a few press interviews about the drop-in centre – dipping my toe into the water – and my first gig as an activist being in front of millions of people.’

‘Yeah, I get that completely.’

‘I mean, maybe if I was still on the hard stuff, I’d be able to get up the courage to walk out on that stage, but—’

‘Don’t even say it, Electra. You can’t risk doing anything that would jeopardise your recovery.’

‘Even if I was doing something that could raise millions for the drop-in centre, and maybe other ones like it across America?’ I said, giving him a wry smile.

‘That would be cool, admittedly, but not at the risk of your mental health. And if you don’t feel you’re ready to deal with a big moment like this, then you just keep your powder dry and wait until you are.’

‘The problem is, I’m not good at waiting for anything, and if I was going to start this campaign – which I was anyway – then wouldn’t it be crazy to turn an opportunity like this down?’

‘No, because the most important thing isyou, and what you can be in the future. I keep telling you that you’ve got to remember you’re still young.’

‘Well, at least I think I’ve found a place to channel all that fire and passion I have inside me. I’ve got to use it to help others, not dampen it down with the Goose. Like, use my anger issues as a positive force for change, and get angry on behalf of others.’

‘Totally. Excuse me,’ Miles said as I saw him well up.

‘Shit! Did I say the wrong thing?’