Page 61 of The Substitute

Ambrose: Working hard.

What I was afraid of happening is happening, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve gotten used to them being around, Savage checking in on me and showing up when I need him to—even if I don’t ask. Ambrose forcing me to slow down and rest, making sure I eat and sleep by cuddling with me.

I don’t think I realized how used to his scent I’ve become until the clothes I brought home didn’t smell like him anymore. My pillow just smells like me now, and the hoodie I snagged from Savage was washed a few days ago, so it doesn’t smell like him either. I feel utterly alone.

Tobi: Looking good too

“Theodore!” Mom yells from down the hallway, making me jump. “How many times have I told you no cooking in the bathtub?!”

“But it’s not a toaster this time!” Teddy hollers back.

“I can’t take you seriously like this, put on a towel,” Mom says.

“I can’t bring a towel in the bath, Mom.”

Ambrose: I hope you’re enjoying your time with your family.

I shake my head like he can see me. The lump in my throat makes it hard to breathe. Teddy seems to be here all the damn time, so why is Ambrose so busy when they’re on the same team? I haven’t gotten nearly enough time with him since winter break started, and since Savage is busy too, I’m feeling a bit…neglected. I hate texting first. The last thing I want to do is be a bother, so I just wait, but waiting is so fucking hard when all I want is a little reassurance that I matter.

Are they thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about them? Do they miss me? Do they wake up and check their phone for messages, and are disappointed when they don’t have one? I sit staring at my phone for at least an hour every night, trying to convince myself not to text them one more time. Don’t be needy. Clingy. Desperate. Leave them be. Just because you don’t have a life doesn’t mean they don’t.

I’m fucking pathetic.

I don’t even know if I’m dating either one of them. Both? Are they going to get mad at me for that, too? I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

They have friends, people who rely on them. Ambrose has hockey and school, Savage has med school, interviews, and his mom. But even when Ambrose was busy, he would usually come back to me at the end of the night. It’s been two weeks since I had to come to my parents’ house, so I’ve only seen him a few times. Savage isn’t even in town, and I don’t want to bother him while he’s with his family.

I hate being the only one without people. Without a life.

“A hot plate isn’t the same as the griddle!” Teddy argues, pulling me from my thoughts. Standing, I let the green fuzzyblanket fall to the couch and move toward my bedroom. I’ll have to pass the bathroom on my way, but I really don’t want to deal with whatever that is.

Dad sighs loud enough for me to hear it. “This is why we can’t have small appliances.”

“I already got rid of the air-fryer because of this,” Mom says, and I’m sure she has her hands on her hips.

“And the blender,” Dad confirms.

I know I shouldn’t, but I open my mouth as soon as I reach the open door. “You made me get rid of the kettle.” Do not engage, you idiot!

Looks like everyone is in here, as per usual. Everyone but me. Dad is resigned, Mom is exasperated, Teddy is annoyed, and I hear Rhys sigh but can’t see him, so my guess is a video or phone call.

“Is this a family bath?” Teddy glares at me. “Can’t a grown man take a bath in peace?”

“Not with your ramen!” Mom says matter-of-factly while I say, “Not when you’re trying to un-alive yourself.”

“I am a grown man! Let me have my ramen bath!” Teddy crosses his arms like a petulant toddler, and the water sloshes dangerously.

Since I haven’t heard from Savage in hours but Ambrose just texted me, I text him back.

Tobi: Are you done at the gym?

Ambrose: Yeah, I’m getting changed, what’s up?

Tobi: We currently have 3 adults in the bathroom besides my brother, trying to explain to him AGAIN how cooking while in the bath or shower is a bad idea.

“Cover yourself, please.” Mom tosses a washcloth at him, and Rhys snorts. He’s definitely on a call.

“That won’t cover it.”