Page 38 of The Substitute

He shakes his head, rubbing my throat with his five o’clock shadow. “It doesn’t matter.”

I’m quiet for a long time, contemplating what he’s said and the implications of it all. “Is that how you knew? When you sawme on the bridge?” I’ve always wondered how he knew I wasn’t okay, this complete stranger, when the people in my life didn’t.

“When you’ve been there, you know what it looks like.” He brings his face up to mine, and we’re nose to nose.

“What made you want to stay alive?” I don’t pull back. He feels good, and I really need the comfort, and I think he does too.

“To fucking spite them.”

I don’t know why but that makes me smile.

Carefully he brushes his lips over mine. My smile widens and I part my lips ever so slightly to taste him.

We don’t do more than a slow kiss, but it makes me want so much more.

FOURTEEN

SAVAGE

Tobi: Can you explain the whole telling me what to do thing?

Tobi: If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine.

Tobi: Why can’t I delete text messages? Ugh.

Idon’t see his texts until after practice. I hate he had to wait, but I can’t help but grin at how cute he is. I love that he let the idea roll around in his brain for the last few weeks and is now coming back to it. Tobi has been all about taking it slow, and I’m happy to let him set the pace.

Savage: I do have classes which I usually turn my phone off for. I wasn’t ignoring you, baby girl.

While I’m grabbing dinner, my phone goes off a couple more times before I can even sit down.

Tobi: I know you’re busy!

Tobi: that all came out so wrong.

Tobi: I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.

Tobi: You don’t have to explain.

I shake my head, still smiling. Why does he give me this little warm spot of joy?

Savage: You are allowed to ask questions.

But the text doesn’t feel like enough.

Savage: You are allowed to take up space and exist. Don’t cut yourself off or hold yourself back to appease other people. The right people will love you for who you are.

Three dots appear on the screen, then disappear, then appear and disappear. I set my phone down on the table so I can watch his process as I eat my food.

About twenty minutes later, he finally sends a message.

Tobi: That’s really hard to do when I feel like I’ve already lost people being myself.

Savage: I’ll be there in ten minutes and we can talk.

Tobi: Wait what? Why?

Savage: Because I want to see you, and I think this conversation would be better in person.