Page 30 of The Substitute

“I don’t know how anyone does this.”

“What?” I pick the popcorn up again.

“Date. It’s so fucking awkward.” He scoots a little closer, pretending like he’s reaching for the popcorn, making his thigh brush against mine. His attention shoots to the place, but I don’t react. Refusing to make this a big deal.

“Why is dating awkward?” I lean into the touch.

He squirms. “It just is. I don’t know. I don’t do it, and figuring it out sucks.”

“You don’t do it at all?”

“Because it’s stupid.”

Now he has my full attention. “I can help you with that.”

His head whips around, staring at me again. “How?”

“This. Let me take the lead, and I’ll show you in no time.”

“Like you don’t always take the lead.” He lets my words roll around his head. “And what about all the other stuff?”

“What stuff?” I know what he’s talking about, but he needs to say it.

He can’t pussyfoot around everything. That’s part of his issue.

He sighs. “All the stuff that comes with dating.”

“Intimacy?” I ask, still not letting him not say it.

“That and—” He groans, pushing his palms into his eyes. “Making a move and all that. I don’t even know where to start.” Tobi sounds defeated, and it makes my chest hurt for him.

“Are you telling me you’ve never fucked anyone?” These things have always come so naturally to me. I don’t know what it’s like, but I want to fix it for him.

“Not really.”

“What is not really?” I hook my leg over his and adjust to sit facing him more than I was, disinterested in the movie and fully focused on Tobi.

“I messed around a little bit with a couple of guys in high school before…”

“Before what?”

“I had a thing for my best friend—former best friend.” His whole face falls, and this might be the most real he’s been.

“And he rejected you?” I’m fully going by context clues and guesses here.

“Worse. He’s in love with my fucking brother.”

“Ouch.” I cringe. “That is heavy.” No wonder he’s so jaded. I would be too. “So he’s the reason you haven’t been with anyone?”

He lifts his shoulders, being evasive again, but I let him work it out, and he finally speaks. “I guess, and maybe I did it to myself. I kept thinking it would happen, but clearly he never saw me that way since, you know, my brother.” He rolls his eyes. “And here I am.”

“I’m guessing you never made a move?”

“I told you, I’m not good at this.”

It’s all starting to make sense. The insecurity and low self-esteem. And I like him more because of it. Who doesn’t like a little sarcasm and dark humor?

“He doesn’t deserve you.”