Page 113 of The Substitute

Ambrose probably needed some reassurance, too, but I was so wrapped up in my own bullshit, I couldn’t see it. Pulling my phone out, I open the messages he sent last night and read them again. I didn’t even respond to him.

Guilt turns my stomach. There’s no way he slept well, which means he’s probably playing like shit, which means he’s going to feel like garbage. Maybe I can catch him between periods and at least fix some of the damage I’ve done. I wouldn’t blame him if he never speaks to me again.

Tobi: I’m sorry

I don’t know if he’ll want to talk to me after I abandoned him last night, but I have to try. We both fucked up last night, but he tried to reconnect while I ignored him. Now it’s my turn to reach out.

Needing to keep myself busy, I start cleaning up our room while I wait. Straighten out the beds, put away books and notebooks, throw away trash, pick up laundry that missed the baskets.

After a few hours, I have a handful of pens, the laundry hampers are full, and I’ve taken two bags of trash down to the dumpster.

I’m about to start on the shit under my bed when my phone pings.

Ambrose: Me too.

Tobi: How was the game?

I chew on my lip as the little bubble appears.

Ambrose: Horrible. Worst game of the season

Uh-oh.

I knew it was going to be bad but now I feel worse.

I don’t know how to fix bad games. When Teddy had a bad one, I didn’t care. What would our parents do? Feed him. But Teddy is like a puppy and food motivated.

Well, Ambrose does eat a lot. Maybe it’ll work for him, too? Or just going out and doing something, like a distraction?

Tobi: Fuck I’m sorry.

Ambrose: It happens. I’m just glad you’re speaking to me.

Tobi: I shouldn’t have left last night. That was fucked.

Ambrose: I missed being in your bed last night.

Tobi: I missed it too.

Which is fucked up because I loved sleeping in Savage’s bed.

Tobi: We should go do something, are you hungry?

He types for a long time but finally sends a message, and it’s short, telling me he erased something.

Ambrose: I can’t.

A boulder settles into my stomach. Does he not want to see me at all, or is he doing team stuff and it’s just them? Does he not want to be seen with me? Is he still angry at me and not ready?

Is this what a future with him will look like? Not being able to be there for him? Because this sucks. Guilt and shame flair in my system until I don’t know who I am anymore.

Ambrose: I’d rather be with you.

That gives me a little spark of hope. I pace my room, but I can’t stay here, and Savage is busy tonight. I need to be helpful. I need to be needed. Sitting here and doing nothing goes against everything I am. Maybe if he just sees me, sees that I’m there, it will be enough. Even if he can’t really talk to me or whatever. I need him to know I care enough to meet him on his terms.

Looking down at myself, I groan and quickly change into some jeans and a hoodie.

It’s cold when I step outside, but I’m on a mission. Was it a home game? Pulling out my phone, I do a quick search for tonight’s game and see it was, in fact, a home game, and we lost three to zero against the Gods. Ouch. I can only imagine what that’s like for Teddy and Rhys. How do they handle shit like this?