Page 158 of The Substitute

“Seriously?” Ambrose says after he orders a brownie something.

“What’s wrong with gummy bears?” I take my cone and bite one of the bears off the top.

“Are you five?”

“Gummy bears bring me joy. Why does joy and whimsy have an age limit?” I wink as I bite another bear.

“I don’t think I know a single adult who likes gummy bears.” Ambrose takes his cone and hands Tobi’s to him. “Plus after the cummy bear thing…” He shudders and Tobi makes a face.

“Well, clearly you’re wrong. Not only are they delicious, but they also have protein in them from the gelatin and the rightamount of sugar to get me going before a workout.” I don’t ask what a cummy bear is because I’m sure I don’t want to know.

“Don’t tell me you know the nutrition facts.” Ambrose shakes his head.

“Gym bros swear by them. Where do you think I got that idea?” I pick one off to squish between my fingers. “And they have the best texture. Not my fault you let your adultness ruin your life.” I hold out the bear to feed to Tobi.

Tobi giggles and takes it, sucking on my fingers.

“See how fun they are?”

Ambrose growls. “That can be done with any food.”

“But are any of those foods cute little bears? I don’t think so.” I pick off another bear and use the ice cream on it to smear over Tobi’s lips. “You should really try happiness.”

“It’s not just something everyone can choose,” Ambrose replies. “You don’t get to choose your brain chemistry. Mine fucking sucks.”

“And I can’t argue that’s not part of it, but I do choose happiness because of my brain chemistry and life. I saw how quickly my dad descended into anger and rage, and I decided I was going to take every fucking moment of joy in case that’s where I’m headed eventually. And I know I’m not putting myself at as much risk for CTE, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have some risk of just dementia in general.” I don’t look at either of them. I’ve felt this way for years but never said it out loud, and if they judge me, I can’t do anything about it. I made a promise to be more open, and I’m doing that.

Tobi launches himself at me and gets ice cream on my face while wrapping me up in a hug. I one arm hug him back while wiping the ice cream from my cheek on to his.

“Hey!”

I lick it off his cheek, and he groans before licking it off mine. I finally look over at Ambrose, who’s sitting in quiet contemplation. “What?” I ask.

“I didn’t know that, but I respect it. Thank you for sharing.” Ambrose’s phone goes off with a fire alarm sound before we can say more. “Fuck. Teddy is outside the restricted area. I have to go see what’s up.”

“Where did he go?” Tobi asks, alarmed.

“It looks like he’s on a train heading out of the city?” Ambrose blows up a map on his phone.

“He has a boundary?” I ask.

Ambrose looks exhausted. “Yes, and when he goes outside it, his ankle monitor alerts me and Rhys. He almost got on a train to Canada chasing a butterfly last month.”

I blink and look at Tobi.

“I believe it,” Tobi says.

Ambrose leaves us to our ice cream, and Tobi is quiet for a long time.

“What’s on your mind, baby girl?” I ask, unable to handle the silence anymore. I’ve never spoken about my dad in front of Tobi before, and I’m worried he won’t want to be with me, knowing the risk I could turn into a monster.

“I’m sorry about your dad.”

“Thank you. What did Ambrose tell you?” I ask, knowing I don’t have a right to feel betrayed but feeling it anyway.

“Nothing. He told me he died, and said it was yours to talk about, then he called me out for not telling you some shit and said we all have things we need to talk about.”

“He’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier to talk about.” I wait and brace myself for Tobi’s horror and disgust.