Page 180 of The Substitute

I clear my throat. “Is my father here?”

“He’s gone for a business trip, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be sorry. I was hoping to talk to my step-mother.” Tension seeps into my muscles like raindrops filling a pail. The first few drops seem like nothing, but in no time, the bucket is almost overflowing.

“She’s in the sitting room,” she says. “Would you like me to announce you?”

“No, thank you. I would like to surprise her.” A knot forms in my throat. Will she be happy to see me? Will she cry and tell mehow much she’s missed me? Will she be angry I’ve been gone for so long?

Julia gives me a slight bow and goes back to her work. I stare down the hallway for a moment, bombarded by the memories that haunt this place. I’m sure some would see it as beautiful, but if these walls could talk, they would tell an ugly story. It’s tainted with my father’s hatred and the despair we all suffered at his hand.

My hands flex and clench at my sides as I force back the racing thoughts. I take a step forward, and the door opens behind me. Startled and ready for an attack, I spin around, braced for impact. I’m damn near panting when I register Savage standing in the opening.

“It’s just me,” he says softly, not moving an inch as I breathe and get control of my heart rate. When I let my hands drop, he finishes coming inside and closes the door. He’s so close, I can smell Tobi on him, but he doesn’t touch me.

I close my eyes, and let myself take comfort in it. In the scent of him and Tobi, in Savage being here without me telling him I was coming.

“How did you know?” My words are quiet as I drop my forehead to his shoulder. Allowing myself the acceptance to take what I need and what he’s silently offering.

Savage wraps his arms around my waist and leans his head against mine. “Don’t be dense. I have your location and alerts set up for specific locations.”

It warms my heart and makes me want to laugh at the same time. “The bridge?”

“That’s one.”

Why didn’t he come the night I was up there with Tobi? We were there a while, but I didn’t see him. Was I so focused on Tobi that I didn’t notice anything else?

“Yes, I saw you both that night,” Savage answers my silent question.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I want to ask how much he heard, but I can’t break Tobi’s confidence if he hasn’t told Savage.

He lifts his shoulders. “I listened some but couldn’t make out much. I think whatever it was, was good for both of you.”

“He’ll tell you about it. Give him time.”

“I know he will.” Savage pulls me more solidly against him. “What do you need right now?”

I shake my head, not sure how to answer him. What do I need? I need a father who’s not a piece of shit. I need a childhood that wasn’t traumatic at every turn. I need to be able to love the men I love out loud without the fear of losing my dreams. I lean into him. “Just this.”

“I’m always here for you.”

“Do you think she’ll listen?” The fear that she won’t leave is heavy. Savage loves his mother, protected her as well as a kid could against the man his father became, and I don’t want to be the reason he loses her.

“Look at me.” He waits until I lift my head. “Her choice has nothing to do with you. If she stays, that’s on her. Your value, your worth, is not dependent on our parents or anyone else. I’m on your side no matter what.”

“Are you sure?” He’d already told me as much, but I don’t want to ask him to give up his mother.

“You were right all along, and I didn’t see it. I’m so sorry I didn’t. This is her choice, and if she wants to choose a monster over her own children, there is nothing I can do about it.”

What the fuck am I doing?

I’m risking my entire future in so many ways.

Being gay is enough to end a career before it begins, but fucking my step-brother who I share with another man? It’s over. All of it.

Doubt threatens to drown me.

Tobi and Savage deserve to be loved in public. I can’t ask them to hide for me. It’s not fair to either of them. It’s selfish and completely fucked.