Page 182 of The Substitute

“Savage.” She reaches for his cheek, and he lets her.

“You don’t have to take it anymore. You have no one to protect except yourself. Let me help you.”

She looks at me with regret etched into her skin. The echo of pain for the things she couldn’t change have aged her.

If I’m being honest with myself, I know she couldn’t stop my father. The abuse started before she got involved, and if she left, there’s no way Father would have let me go with her. She was damned either way.

I guess by staying, she made sure I survived, though there were so many nights I wished I hadn’t. I am thankful for that. I know she did her best at the time, but everything Savage said is true.

“Ambrose,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

My throat burns, but I force words out. “I know.”

“I’ve always loved you.”

I nod, no longer able to speak.

“It’s time to prove it,” Savage says. “He cut off Ambrose a year ago, and now I’m done allowing you to pretend like nothing is happening. Ambrose is more important than money or the lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to. It’s time for you to make a choice, too. I have enough from my father to keep a roof over our heads and go to med school. We don’t need all this.” Savage gestures around us.

By the time we leave the house, I’m emotionally raw. I’m not paying attention to where I am or where we’re going. Savage takes charge, and I’m blindly following him. Into a car, out of a car, up stairs, and into an apartment.

I know he’ll keep me safe. Even in my fucked-up state, I trust him. I didn’t know I could ever get to that point. It’s sad and eye opening at the same time.

“Hey, when Tobi gets here, just send him up, okay?” Savage says, and it takes me a second to realize it’s Lovelace. We’re at his place.

“You got it. Anything I can do?” Lovelace asks as Savage pulls me up the stairs to his bedroom.

“Order Thai. I’m fucking starving, and he will be too when he breathes for a few minutes.”

“Done,” Lovelace says.

The door closes, and Savage cups my face.

“What is going on in there?” Savage rubs his thumb from the bridge of my nose to my hairline. It’s a comforting motion his mother used to do when I struggled to fall asleep sometimes.

“Everything. Nothing.” I shake my head. I can’t find the words to string together.

“Okay, clothes off. In bed.” The command in his voice is just strong enough to have me moving but not enough that I want to fight him.

Savage helps me strip my clothes off and drops them on the floor. It doesn’t matter where they land. Once I’m naked, he pushes me to sit on the edge of the bed and stands between my knees.

“Do you need to take control or to lose it?”

I shake my head, unable to make any decisions right now.

“Okay, I’ve got you.” He kisses me and loses his clothes, then climbs into bed. “Come here.”

The emotions that threatened to choke me earlier come flooding in, and I can’t hold them back anymore. There’s no levees or flood walls to slow them down.

Falling onto him, I bury my face in his neck and scream. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so out of control, but once it starts, I can’t stop it. The sobs rack my body, and Savage just holds me, wraps himself around me, and lets me work it out.

I cry for the little boy who wasn’t loved, who was never good enough for his father, for the teenage boy who suffered torture at the hands of the church. From the depths of my soul, I let out the fear that I can’t have my dreams and be loved. That I’ll lose everything once again, and this time, I’ll be left a shell of a person because it still won’t kill me. Once again, I’ll have to find a way to survive, but I won’t have spite to keep me going.

I can’t let him win. I swore to myself years ago I wouldn’t give up, and I can’t now that I have Tobi and Savage.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here, screaming my sorrow into Savage’s skin, when Tobi comes in. I don’t hear the door open or close, but I feel him. His warmth surrounds my back, and he kisses my shoulders while I fall apart.

When my throat is raw and my mouth is beyond dry, the tidal wave dies back, leaving me exhausted in the arms of the men that have come to mean more to me than I thought possible. It’s not until my body starts to relax that I realize how stiff myfingers are. Was I digging them into Savage? Did I leave bruises? I hope not.