Page 45 of Something Like Winter

“Don’t worry? The fucking cops caught us screwing!”

Ben sighed, like Tim was being unreasonable. “They don’t know about you! They only know about me because I ran into Daniel Wigmore.”

“Who?”

“A guy who goes to our school.”

Tim’s stomach sank. He had barely dodged a bullet with Stacy and AstroWorld. She hadn’t mentioned Ben since, but now some guy had seen them going at it. “Someone was watching us?”

“No!”

“How do you know?”

“He was too far away.” Ben shook his head, irritated. “I don’t know!”

“No, you don’t know.” Tim wanted to shout, but he didn’t dare risk being overheard, so instead his voice came as a barely controlled growl. “You don’t know what your parents are saying to the police right now. Who do they think you’re out with tonight?”

Ben crossed his arms over his chest, meeting Tim’s scowl with one of his own. “Look, I’ll tell them I was blowing Daniel. Problem solved.” “They saw me,” Tim stressed, his throat raw. “We’re fucked!”

“No, we aren’t.” Ben reached out, like they were about to get sentimental at a time like this, but Tim stepped back.

“Yes, we are. Everything’s fucked up.” And it would keep being that way. Eventually Tim’s parents would catch Ben sneaking in, or enough people at school would come forward with stories and sightings. He could only fight off the rumors for so long. And like Kansas, all the admiration paid to him now would turn to hate. He liked Ben, maybe more than that, but their relationship would explode into the open eventually. Worst of all, his mom would never stop crying if she found out. His parents would turn their backs on him completely. And for what? It’s not like they could get married or have a life together. Ben made everything sound possible, when really, the opposite was true.

What they had together wasn’t love. It was an addiction. Even looking at Ben now, Tim’s body was screaming to be near him, to hold him, even if it would destroy them both. “Jesus, what did I let you do to me?”

“Do to you?” Ben was incredulous, moving dangerously close to him. “I didn’t ‘do’ anything. This isn’t a choice. It’s who we are!”

But Tim did have a choice. He had been with girls before and could be again. But not while Ben was around. “Get away from me.” Tim shoved him and tried to walk away, but Ben caught his arm and swung him back around.

“This isn’t something you can control!” Ben’s grip was tight, his words desperate. “You can’t just push me away and expect to stop feeling—”

No! Tim didn’t want to hear it! “I can’t do this anymore!” He pulled his arm away, but Ben wouldn’t leave him alone, coming nearer. He knew. If Ben touched him enough, he knew Tim was too weak to resist. He pushed Ben away again, half-blind from the tears in his eyes. “It’s over! Go home.”

Ben shook his head, refusing to accept what Tim had said. When he tried to come close again, Tim shoved him hard enough that Ben hit the ground, eyes wide as he tumbled backwards. Ben clutched at the grass, staring up at him in complete disbelief, probably because he would never in a million years do the same to him. Tim hated himself more than ever. The hurt and shock on Ben’s face was killing him, so he turned away and went back inside.

Of course the stupid party had adjourned to the living room, every head turning his direction when he entered.

“This is our son, Timothy,” his mother announced.

He stopped on his way up the stairs and stared at them—all those happy couples, dressed in their nicest outfits and beaming at him over their drinks. Boy-girl, boy-girl, boy-girl. They existed in pairs, and no one would ever question their right to do so. Tim despised them for being normal, for being happy.

“Everything okay?” his father asked, an edge of warning in his tone.

“It was a rough game.”

“He plays baseball,” his mother explained.

There was chorus of murmured understanding. Of course! What else would a guy be upset about?

Tim turned and tromped up the stairs to his room, locking the door. He left the light off so he could see out the window. There, just off to the side, stood a shadowy form with its head bowed, shoulders shaking. Ben kept standing there, waiting for Tim to come back, waiting for him to undo the horrible things that he had done. But he wouldn’t. Tim watched him, one step back from the window so he couldn’t be seen, and joined Ben in his tears. Eventually, the lonely silhouette shook its weary head and disappeared into the night.

Chapter Eleven

There were no happy gay couples on TV. No gay president with his handsome and charming “first gentlemen” at his side. Ellen DeGeneres had come out earlier in the year, and the media had exploded, making Tim squirm as much as Ben had grinned. Ben saw it as progress, while Tim felt it was evidence that the world wouldn’t accept them, that being gay was A Very Big Deal. He supposed he could name some musicians who had come out once their bank accounts were fat enough to make them untouchable, but Tim didn't know if any of them had healthy longterm relationships.

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Ben probably knew. If Tim called him right now, he would probably rattle off a list of inspiring role models. Then again, he never had before, and Ben had never held back in his attempt to convince Tim that being gay was okay. The irony was that Benhadfinally convinced Tim of one thing, but the price of that truth was saying goodbye.