Page 166 of Something Like Winter

Tim never expected that. Not from Ben, of all people. The bravest, boldest spirit he’d known in his life was avoiding a subject and asking Tim to do the same.

“Talk to me,” Tim tried.

Ben’s eyes softened. “Let’s just do some shopping, okay?” He squeezed Tim’s hand. “That’s what I need.”

“Okay,” Tim said, feeling anything but certain.

They hit some stores but didn’t buy anything since Ben only seemed interested in browsing. Ben didn’t act moody during this. He still made casual conversation, Tim glad to join him, but the topics remained superficial. They even held hands, but this felt more like a consolation prize than anything. When their feet grew tired, they rested at a café and drank fruityaguas frescasas the sun went down. As much as Tim enjoyed watching people and taking in the sights and sounds, he found himself wanting to be alone with Ben. Maybe in privacy the truth would come out.

They caught a train back to Xochimilco, stopping in to check on Nana before heading for the canal boats. She loaded them up with leftovers, which Tim gratefully accepted. Bringing food and drinks on thetrajinerasboats was the norm for the natives, while tourists relied on enterprising individuals who would tie their smaller boats to thetrajinerasto hock their wares.

Most tourists left Xochimilco before nightfall, but some stuck around to party. Luckily, the atmosphere was fairly calm tonight. They approached one of the boat owners, whose dark eyes sparkled when Tim spoke the native tongue. Tim offered the man a much higher price than the norm. He wanted the boat for him and Ben alone. The driver accepted after haggling, Ben blissfully ignorant to the entire exchange.

“This is lovely,” Ben said, taking a seat at the long bench that filled the deck.

A couple of sputtering gas lamps provided atmosphere as the boat coasted into the canal, the world around them dark. Only lights from the neighborhood could be seen in the night. As they drifted down the waterway, leaving the homes behind, the stars above were matched by lamps from other boats on the canal. Over the gentle sound of the punt pushing through water, they could hear voices laughing.

Tim didn’t pay much attention to the surroundings. His eyes kept returning to Ben, face lit by flame, the shadows just enough to create the illusion that no time had gone by. Ben caught him looking and smiled before he stood and walked to the boat’s bow.

Tim followed, coming up behind him and placing his hands on Ben’s ribs. “Time for a Titanic moment? I’ll lift you up and you sing. Ready, Celine Dion?”

Ben laughed, reaching down for Tim’s hands and pulling his arms around him. “This was the right thing to do. This is what we needed.”

“Is it?” Tim said, feeling more puzzled than ever.

Ben sighed. “I’m sorry about earlier.” He turned around to face him, their hips close together, but Ben placed a hand on Tim’s chest until he took a step back. “And I’m sorry if I keep leading you on.”

“Please talk to me,” Tim said. “If this is punishment for all those times I kept you guessing…”

“I don’t play games,” Ben said, shaking his head. “At least I don’t mean to. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, that we can start over, but then I remember and—” Ben lowered his eyes. “I’ve been through a lot.”

Tim’s stomach sank. Of course. “Jace,” he said.

Ben nodded. “There’s so much you don’t know.”

“Then tell me!” Tim said in desperation. “Please!”

Ben took a deep breath and nodded. “I don’t know how much Allison told you, but Jace suffered from aneurysms. He had a close call once, and that was terrifying enough. When it happened a second time —” Ben’s lip trembled. “We were together. At home. Jace wanted me to hold him, which was weird because he was usually the one to hold me. He knew he wouldn’t make it, or he’d given up—I don’t know, but we were in bed and I did what he said, even though it hurt like hell.” Ben wiped at his eyes. “That’s what he wanted, and I know it sounds stupid, but I thought if I held on to him tight enough, that it might make a difference—that I wouldn’t lose him. I was still holding Jace when he died.”

“That must have been hell for you,” Tim said, clenching his jaw. “And here I am, stupid enough to think that I could just saunter back into your life and make everything perfect again. I’m sorry. Of course you can’t love anyone else.”

“No!” Ben took a step forward, shaking his head. “You don’t understand! Idolove you! I love you so much that I can barely keep it in! All I want to do is touch you, kiss you—anything to bring us as close together as humanly possible. But then I remember how painful it was to lose Jace.” Ben grabbed Tim’s hand, eyes wild. “I know you think I’m brave, but losing Jace almost broke me. I can’t go through that again. The thought of watching you die one day, the idea alone is enough to break my heart.”

Tim pulled Ben close, kissed his forehead before resting his cheek against his head. There was no solution to this problem, no way to guarantee Ben that he wouldn’t get hurt again. Tim knew the pain that love brought. The two were inseparable, but both love and pain had taught him one thing. He kissed Ben’s hair, let go of him, and took a step back.

“Jace was worth it.”

Ben looked surprised. “What?”

“I’m not even going to ask because there’s no question. Jace was worth going through all that pain, and you were worth the hell we went through as teenagers.” Tim looked Ben straight in the eye. “I can’t honestly say that I’m worth it, but I’ll try my best, and I promise you that you won’t have to see me die. No matter what happens in the future, I won’t be the first one to go.”

Ben blinked, and when his smile came, it brought along a sigh. “Of all the lies you’ve told me over the years, that one is the most beautiful.”

Tim shook his head. “It’s not a lie. No matter how hard I have to cling to life, no matter how many life support units and doctors it takes, I won’t die first. My love for you is strong enough to keep me going. And when your time finally comes, I won’t survive the loss and will be right behind you.”

“You can’t promise that,” Ben said, but his eyes were shining.

“There’s only one way to prove me wrong,” Tim replied.