Page 108 of Something Like Winter

Then they brought her home, letting her tear into her new toys and chasing after her as she plowed through the house. Finally, when it seemed she would never stop peeing, barking, and chewing, Chinchilla rolled over on the floor and conked out. Tim looked at Ben with an expression of exaggerated relief, catching something in his expression that made him nervous. They stood as quietly as possible, letting the puppy snooze on the carpet as they snuck over to the couch.

“This was a nice surprise,” Tim said casually. “I thought you were coming over to tell me that Jace wants my head on a platter.”

“No.” Ben’s face became guarded. “Jace was very understanding about everything, but there is something we need to talk about.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I can’t handle this.” Now the mask slipped, Ben looking strained. “My feelings for you, I mean. They never went away—”

“That’s a good thing,” Tim interrupted.

“No, it’s not. I love Jace. I’ve been with him a long time, and I plan on staying with him.”

Tim grabbed his arm. “I can give you everything he can. More, even.”

Ben shook his head, jaw clenching. “I’m with Jace. And that’s how it’s going to stay.”

Tim let go. The words stung. Maybe he had moved too quickly, but it wasn’t too late. They could start over, build up slowly. “Okay. Fine. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

“Yeah, it does, Tim, because that’s not how I see you.”

“That’s not how I see you either, so why fight it?”

“Because I love Jace, and I’ve already hurt him more than I ever should have.”

“And you don’t love me?” Tim pleaded. “I know you do, because I feel the same way.”

Ben stared at him wide-eyed and confused. Then he leapt to his feet, Chinchilla’s head whipping up in response. “I have to go. I don’t think we should see each other. For a while, at least.”

Ben headed for the door, breaking into a run when he reached the hallway.

“Benjamin, wait!”

Tim chased after him, Chinchilla following like it was a game. Ben was getting in his car when Tim made it outside, but Chinchilla didn’t see him, stocky legs pumping as she kept running for the sheer joy of it. She was heading for the street, and Tim had a nightmare vision of Ben— blinded by tears as he sped away—running over her. Tim sprinted and leapt, nearly tackling Chinchilla to stop her. She squirmed safely in his arms as he raised his head to see Ben leaving him all over again.

Chapter Twenty-five

Tim didn’t realize he had a routine until it was broken. No longer could he shuffle to the fridge in the morning, bleary-eyed and miserable until he chugged that first can of Coke. Now he barely managed to get his bathrobe on before a little monster had bitten the hem, tugging and growling playfully. Sometimes Tim managed to grab a drink on the way to the backyard so Chinchilla could pee—on the rare occasion she went outside to do so instead of piddling on the carpet. Then Chinchilla had to be fed, after which she wanted to play.

The dog came first, and only after her needs were satisfied did Tim make time for himself. This helped the weeks pass less painfully than they would have otherwise. But as he got used to his new life as a doggy dad, Tim found himself stewing more on what had happened.

Anger and jealously toward Jace troubled him for a couple of weeks, along with a healthy portion of blame toward his teenage self who had given it all away. Then he became more reasonable, telling himself it was time to cut his losses and move on.

Therewasone prospect. Aaron was in Tim’s contemporary art course. They had noticed each other early in the semester, mostly because Tim caught Aaron staring so often. Aaron was gay. He was too primped to be anything else. Tim had known frat boys obsessed with their appearance, but they normally drew the line at powder and base.

Aaron’s style had a strange appeal, an alluring touch of femininity with all the benefits of being a boy. So Tim had playfully winked at him one day. Ever since, Aaron made excuses to talk to Tim after class, practically panting each sentence in his enthusiasm. Today was no exception. As they walked through the halls, Aaron filled the silence between them with an air of desperation, as if searching for the magic phrase that would make Tim want to be with him.

“It’s like, I wish there was another year of college,” he was saying. “I could use the time to figure out what the hell I want to do, you know?”

Tim nodded. He certainly did.

“When you’re a kid you think, ‘oh, I’ll be a doctor,’ and it’s as simple as that. What am I going to do with a degree in fashion design? I like dressing up, but I could give a shit what anyone else wants to wear. You know what I’m thinking of doing after I graduate? Going to a beauty academy.”

Tim glanced over at him. “You need a degree to get into one of those places?”

“More like five thousand bucks.” Aaron laughed madly. “My parents are going to kill me, but I don’t care. They made me come here. I told them after high school that I just want to cut hair and give makeovers! Me, making the world more beautiful, one middle-aged woman at a time.”

Shamelessly proud of who he was, Aaron had the blond hair and the slender frame. He wasn’t so different from Ben, really. Maybe he would be close enough. Tim stopped, Aaron walking a few more steps before he noticed.