Page 137 of Something Like Winter

When Ben showed up, led to the table by the waiter, he looked wary, as if Tim had some ulterior motive. Tim felt much too insecure to even contemplate seduction. He gave his best smile anyway—just enough to convince Ben to sit.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he said, lifting the bottle. “Drink?”

Ben nodded, watching Tim pour a glass and set it before him, but he didn’t touch it. “Is your boyfriend okay?”

“Ryan? Yeah, he says stuff like that all the time.”

Ben’s posture was rigid. “And do you react like that all the time?”

“No! I never hit him. Nothing like that.” Tim moved his hand across the table out of habit, wanting to touch Ben. Instead he lamely fondled the salt shaker before retreating. “We had a fight last week, an argument, and I grabbed him just like last night. I guess I don’t know my own strength.” Ben didn’t look convinced. “Ryan really knows how to push my buttons. Usually I keep my cool, but lately— I’m afraid of what might happen if things don’t change.”

Ben considered his words before his body language relaxed slightly. “All right. Tell me everything.”

Tim poured out his heart, grateful for a sympathetic ear. Marcello wasn’t a bad listener either, but he regarded Ryan as a defective product that needed to be exchanged for something better. Marcello transitioned through love affairs with ease. For Tim, every relationship had gravitas, and when things went wrong, he felt like Atlas struggling under the weight of the world.

“Ryan is your opposite,” Tim said. “You always brought out the best in me, changed me for the better. With Ryan, I just don’t know. I used to see myself in him. His parents are just as cold as mine. I saw the pain hidden behind that pretty face of his, but he has a mean streak. Ryan turns his hurt back on the world, and I don’t know what I can do to make him better. I think he’s who I would have become had I never met you.” “You would have been fine,” Ben said.

“No, I wouldn’t have. Hell, look at the mess I’ve made of my life.” Tim shook his head. “You never would have let me get away with any of this.”

“I still won’t.” Ben smiled for the first time since arriving. “You inviting me here tonight gives me free reign to meddle.”

Tim shrugged. “Meddle away. As long as you can fix things.”

“You could leave him,” Ben said.

“I could,” Tim said, “but the sex is great, and you know how needy I get. If only I had someone to take his place.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Jace knows I’m here.”

“That’s fine.” Tim took another sip of wine. “Did I cause an argument?”

“Nope.”

“Despite what happened last time, he still let you meet me here tonight?”

Ben nodded.

“He’s not human.”

“Probably not,” Ben said as if exasperated, but he was smiling. “He trusts me, and I’m not about to make him regret that. Not this time.”

“Good,” Tim said. Amazing how one little word could still be a lie.

The waiter came to take their orders, but neither of them had even glanced at the menus yet. Tim ordered the suggested appetizer, but by the time it came, they both were eager to leave. This wasn’t the right environment. Had they ever eaten dinner out together? Doing so now seemed unnatural, so they settled the bill and left.

“You should probably get home,” Tim said. “Jace might make Gandhi look intolerant, but I bet he’s still worried.”

“You can’t drive. Not after all that wine.”

“It was just a few glasses.”

“It was enough.” Ben started toward the parking lot. “Come on. I’ll give you a ride.”

Familiar discomfort settled over Tim once they were in Ben’s car. He imagined Jace sitting in this very seat, wondered how much of the interior smell came from him. Was that a hint of his cologne? Tim still didn’t like the idea of someone else being with Ben, but he no longer felt he had a claim on him. Especially now. Ben probably thought he was pathetic, the furthest thing from being worthy of love.

“This isn’t how I meant for it to be. How I wanted us to meet again, I mean.” Tim glanced over at Ben, rows of shadow and light from the streetlights passing over his face. “I had this dream about you being on stage. Isn’t that crazy? I had no idea you did theater, but I dreamt it anyway.”

Ben’s eyes darted to meet his. “And that’s how you found me?”