Page 48 of Serpent In White

He reacts to me in such a way that brings fever to the blood in my veins. He looks at me like I’m a god, flushes and stutters when I’m near him, and damn if it doesn’t make my dick harder than I know what to do with.

There’s nothing in the world quite like innocence wrapped around mischievous carnal lust.

The lake was a lapse in judgement on my part, but one that I can’t fully state with confidence I won’t make again. Anyone could have seen us out there, and while we weren’t necessarily doing anything, I felt his erection on my own, and for the briefest moment I almost fell beneath the surface to give him what very well might have been his first time entering a man’s mouth.

Bad bad bad.

What would that say about me? Abdiel is half my age. He’s my servant, and let’s not forget, which none of my Regnum will let me, I’mmarried.

The only slight reprieve I take with no Empyrean is that I don’t have to listen to everyone’s thoughts on my inability to procreate. It’s nonstop lately, mostly from the operators of ourgovernment, if you could call it that, which I’m not sure I would. They’re the planners, and apparently, a large part of planning the future of The Principality relies on me giving it an heir.

It’s clear to me now that I fucked up when I married multiple women. It just gives me more opportunity for failure in reproduction. But at the time, when I married—Lauris first, then Kiara, then Alissa and Gem at once, and finally Emithel, within only eight months of one another—I thought I could force myself to do it. IthoughtI could fuck them, just as much as would be needed to make a baby.

That was the original plan… Not a very good one, I can admit.

Because the more time has passed, the more time I spend denying my true self and my internal nature, the more I come to terms with the realization that Ican’tdo it.

I don’t have it in me to fuck someone I’m not attracted to just to get them pregnant, and even trying, eventhinkingof trying, makes me feel sick.

Not sick as inrepulsed, but more like, ashamed. Ashamed of the even mild desire to go against my biology. Mysoul.

God, ourMothermade me the way I am. She built me, and I’m perfect in the form She sculpted, regardless of what old texts may say, or what the human body is made to do through procreation. I can’t force myself into a mold for the sake of pleasing other people and keeping my name going.

Iwon’t.

But I’m also nervous about how this will look. What will happen when they find out I can’t give them a natural heir? What would that mean?

I won’t give up rule of The Principality. It’s mine. This entire block of the transformation that Drake and I carved out, it’s ours and it’s important.

I knew going into this that I could never fall in romantic love with a woman. But when we first started, I held different ideas about what I could endure for the sake of my people.

It’s times like these, when my Empyrean has worn off and my insecurities are riddling my mind, that I think things I know I shouldn’t. Irrational fears and paranoia…

What if they want him to replace me?

Drake fucks women. He likes to, and I won’t deny that I harbor a lot of jealousy over it. Not because I wish I fucked women, but because I wish he only fucked me…

But that’s a nerve to strike another time.

Drake doesn’t see gender as something that should prohibit sexual desire. He fucks who he wants to fuck, which means in theory, he could get someone pregnant. Though he has no desire to reproduce, something he’s been telling me since we were young. But still… if the Regnum were to find out I couldn’t do it, would they look to my brother?

He wouldn’t want it, but I suppose that could change.

I always thought I was the one person who could hold him, if only for a few moments. Empyrean was ours, and it kept us together, even though I know he says he could never be in a relationship, and we can never be something because we’re brothers. Despite all of it, we were stillconnected.

But then he gave it to Abdiel, and ever since I found out, it’s left me wondering who else he’s done this with…

What sorts of things is he keeping from me? Is that why he’s controlling when I can have Empyrean?

He’s using it to manipulate me, that much is clear. But with Abdiel, he crossed a line.

My blood is rushing in my ears as I think about it. It’s been on my mind since I left the lake the other night… when I heard Abdiel thinking about Drake.

I know Abdiel isn’tmine. I mean, he’s my servant, but that’s it. But if I find out Drake fucked him, it might just nick my heart a little.Okay, maybe a lot.

I care greatly for Abdiel, as the son of my late best friend, yes, but also more than that. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s wrong, and outside of my rage for the unknown of what Drake may or may not be doing to fuck with me, I’m now filled with dread over how I can’t seem to stop lusting after the wrong people.

I have five wives I’m not attracted to, not even slightly, although they’re lovely women. But the only people I want are a servant who’s twenty years younger than me, whose father was a very close and often veryintimatefriend, and my own foster brother.