Page 138 of Serpent In White

He wants to see me tonight. He wants more of me, him, and Darian together. I appreciate how bold the kid is. For a virgin, he’s pretty forward with what he wants.

I let out a small chuckle. “As much as I’d love to be present for the shitshow that will undoubtedly be tonight’s dinner, I think I’ll sit this one out, little mouse. I have work to do.”

He leans in to whisper by my ear, “All work and no play.” I shiver.

When he pulls back, he smirks, and I can’t stop staring at his mouth.Temptation, baby.

He blinks,Come over tonight, then.

I think you need some private time with my brother,I tell him, fully serious. And the jealousy I feel at knowing they’ll do all manners of dirty stuff together without me is a jab to my chest, one I use to drive me.

It makes me feel good to hurt.

Abdiel keeps up the direct gaze, though there’s a blush on his cheeks that I crave to watch spread all over his flesh. If I went with him tonight, I could probably get my wish…

But he doesn’t know what’s been going on with Darian and me. It’s strained, and it’s my fault. I need the pain of knowing they’re together without me. I need that dull ache in my chest, the unease in my stomach. It’s my burden.

“See you around then, Serpent,” he whispers, spinning to walk back to Rhiannon.

I watch after them as he takes her by the arm, asking her if she’d like to go meet his best friend, Jordan. She grins and nods, beaming for the kid. I can see it, plain as day. And again, I don’t blame her.

Abdiel is a light, for Darian, and myself, though I’m reluctant. Darian used to be my light, but I’ve tarnished his brightness over the years. And now I’m left with only animosity, resentment, and regret.

Deciding that I’m not in the right headspace for work, I think I’ll go up the mountain instead. I’ll go home, tend to my greenhouse, maybe relax. Get rid of some of this inner anguish I’m carrying around like a sack of bricks.

When I get there, I end up wandering around the woods for a while. These are my woods. There’s a reason I live up here, alone. And it’s not because I don’t crave human connection. I do. I’m not as much of a loner as I make myself out to be.

But I need to be up here. I need it to settle me.

Like the first time I used Empyrean, when I saw so many things I never expected to see. Ever since then, I’ve used it on occasion, to reach into the depths of my mind. But the trumpets do that, too.

I named my drugEmpyreanbecause that’s the highest part of heaven. Where human will and the will of God become one. This is exactly what my Empyrean gives us.

It’s a power, and it’s sacred, which is why I don’t allow just anyone to use it. The trumpets are synthesized into psychedelics used by the Regnum, for rebirth. But the effects of Empyrean, the telekinesis… That’s just for us.

That’s what Darian doesn’t understand, though. Once the window of the mind is opened, empathy allows you to hear your fellow man. Maybe you could even hear other things…

And it doesn’t wear off. He doesn’t need a weekly injection. Neither does Abdiel.

That’s my fault, too. I keep them thinking that’s how it works, because I crave the connection, with Darian especially, and I just know it would fade if he knew the truth. My manipulation of my brother dives deep, like the depths of the lake we swim in. I never meant for it to come to this…

And now he’s growing to hate me.

It started when Lars died. They weren’t an official item, nothing like that. Lars was happily married to Jenny, and they were loving parents to Abdiel. But Lars was bisexual and purely smitten with my brother. He and Jenny had an understanding.

And Darian was craving things he couldn’t admit to himself out loud; things we were certain the family wouldn’t understand or approve of. Though I know that’s not entirely true either…

Ileft him when he needed me.Iconvinced him we could never be, and so he sought out someone else. It wasn’t either of their faults. It was entirely my problem.

But then Lars and Jenny died. They fell from the overlook, near the peak of the mountain. They fell from thousands of feet and landed in a ravine.

No one ever knew what really happened. But I do. I know in my heart…

The mountain made them jump, and I could have stopped it.

But I didn’t.

And so it goes, blood for blood.