Page 170 of Serpent In White

That gets him. This time he’s quiet for many long, strenuous seconds, blinking down at me while his thoughts rush all around Drake.

I see so much happening in his mind. Their history, what they’ve been through together, the hardships they’ve endured and what they’ve built. It would be so easy to fear competing with that. And I suppose a lesser man would feel crazy jealous, or intimidated.

But I’m not. And I don’t think it makes me awesome or anything. It’s not about that…

It’s about my own feelings for Drake.

“He’s… complicated,” Darian finally speaks, then takes in a breath and rests his head on my chest. “It’s complicated with us, and it never won’t be. He’s my brother…”

My heart thumps into his cheek. “Not technically.”

“He is, though. I’ve always thought of him as a brother, even after I fell in love with him. He’s done things for me, Abdiel… Things other people would never understand.”

Rhiannon’s words from earlier spring into my mind, verified by what Darian’s thinking.

“He’s killed for you,” I mutter.

Darian freezes, but then he softens a bit and nods on my pectoral. “He has.”

My mind rushes over many thoughts, eventually settling on a pertinent question. “Did it need to happen?” His face pivots to peer up at me. “Did they need to die?”

The oceans in his eyes crash like waves of the tide as he says, “Yes. They did.”

My fingers roam up into his silky hair, brushing the strands while I nod. “He’s an exceptional being, isn’t he?”

Darian melts into my body, holding me close. “That he is.”

We’re quiet for another few moments, just listening to each other breathe and think. Darian knows I have feelings for Drake, too. He doesn’t need to ask. He’s seen all the things we’ve done together in our thoughts, read our story from our minds. It’s nothing like what they’ve experienced together… I’m not sure anything is. But it’s the kind of bond I hope to one day have. With Darian.

And maybe with Drake, too.

“If you can prove your loyalty to me, sweet prince, it would be my greatest pleasure to return the favor.” He rests his chin on my chest so we can make eye contact.

I don’t need him to elaborate either. I know what he means.

If I can assure him I’ll be his always, he’ll divorce his five and tell the truth.

drake

What am I doing?

I think I’ve gone off the deep end. The things I’ve been doing… The ways I’ve been acting…

This isn’t like me. My hardened exterior seems to be crumbling, shedding from my body, leaving me exposed, pink, and vulnerable. And I can’t identify how or why it’s happening.

I’mthe evil one. That we’ve established. I’ve taken that burden, worn it like a medal of honor. I haven’t wrestled with the things I’ve done in years, so why now?

What is this suddenneedI have burning inside me to settle the turmoil? I must have some immense messiah complex, because this shit is simply unreasonable.

Protecting Abdiel from the truth, confessing to Darian, even though it opened his eyes to the monster he’s been in love with since we were kids, offering myself up to the girl, even though she’s technically the enemy…

What in the name of our sacred Mother is wrong with me??

Even now, I’ve been sitting outside the hunting shack for hours. After just barely escaping the abruptly salacious thoughts of the stray, I ran up here and dismissed the patrol Darian had assigned to guard the place. I parked my ass in the dirt, where I’ve been since, smoking joints and contemplating what exactly it is I think I’m doing.

And how it all became so diluted.

I know there are answers my Mother wishes to give, but I’m in denial. I’m being intentionally dense about this, because I don’t want to accept it.