Page 107 of Search My Soul (Taylor Family Saga #3)

He was the reason I could barely stand to look Juicy in the eyes.

I couldn’t understand how she could even bear to stand in the same room with me knowing I was the reason our son was no longer here.

I told her she would never have anything to worry about as long as she was with me.

What a joke that turned out to be. Not only did I almost take her life, but our son was killed by someone I considered family.

Maybe I was the problem. I seemed to be the common denominator for everyone’s pain and suffering.

I banged the side of my head with my gun.

My mind was telling me that it would be better if I ended it all, and I couldn’t even think of a better solution.

I was no good to the people I loved. My presence in their lives had brought them nothing but heartache, and I refused to continue being a burden.

That ain’t the kind of life I wanted to live, and it wasn’t what I was taught.

They deserved better. They deserved to have someone who could protect them and keep them safe.

My actions weren’t supposed to cause harm to the people I cared about, but that was all I seemed to be able to do.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

“I don’t mean to be a nag, but you’ve been in there for almost an hour. It doesn’t take you that long to wash your ass, Soul!” Juicy yelled from the other side of the door.

“Get the fuck away from the door!” I shouted, shocking myself because I’ve never used that tone with her.

“Soul, what are you doing? Are you sneaking drugs? I promise I’ll break this damn door down. Don’t make me do it!” she warned. I felt like a pitiful bitch sitting here crying on the floor with a gun in my hand. How the fuck did it even come to this shit?

“Get out. I’m not playing. Get your shit and get out of here.

” I took a swig from the tequila bottle I managed to sneak from the kitchen.

Juicy’s petty ass poured all of the bottles she could find down the drain, but she wasn’t aware of my secret stash.

I always kept an extra bottle tucked away because when my family came up here, they would always drink my shit up.

“I’m not going anywhere so you can stop saying it. Now open this door! I’m not about to fight you in order to help you get better.”

“I didn’t ask you to help me! That’s the part you’re not getting.

I’m way too far gone for help, lil baby.

Can’t you see that? I’ve been fucked up since I was kid.

You can’t fucking fix me!” My hands were shaking because of how angry I was.

Juicy believed she could help me, and the shit wasn’t possible.

I already told her I didn’t need saving anyways.

I got myself into this situation and there wasn’t any other way for me to fix what I had broken.

“That’s not true. You’re not too far gone, baby. You just have to keep fighting.”

“Naw, I can’t do that. I want to see my son.” There was a brief pause before Juicy began to go wild on the door. It surprised me how much pressure she was able to apply, but it was enough to move me.

“Don’t do this! Please! Please, don’t do this. Soul!” The desperation in her voice broke me down. She sounded both frightened and defeated, and I regretted even allowing her to stay for as long as I had. Once again, I failed at protecting her from my bullshit.

“Baby, p-please. D-don’t l-leave m-me,” Juicy croaked through her tears.

I was so mad at myself for even bringing her into my world.

It was never supposed to be permanent. In the beginning, I thought we would fuck around and go our separate ways.

I never imagined she would be the one to show me what it meant to love another person more than myself.

I would kill for her, but I would also lay my life on the line for her.

She deserved more than the remnants of love I had given her.

Her aura was powerful enough to change the atmosphere in a room. Even though I was damaged, she changed me into a better version of myself. Loving her made me believe that it was possible for me to have true happiness.

She continued to bang on the door, and I didn’t want her in here for what I had planned. She didn’t deserve that.

“Baby, I need you to do me a favor,” I requested. My voice cracked while I spoke, but I had to get it out.

“Anything. I’ll do anything.”

“Can you take my boys outside for me?” I figured she would read between the lines, but the question was whether she would follow instructions.

“I can’t. I won’t leave you. If this is my last moment with you, then I’m staying right here.” I took a deep breath, trying to get my thoughts together.

“I’m trying to do the right thing, and you’re making this shit difficult.

I promise I’mma make sure you’re straight for the rest of your life.

I’ve already got shit squared away with my lawyer.

You’ll never have to work a day in your life if you don’t want to.

The only thing I ask is that you bury me next to our little man.

Maybe put a few flowers on my grave on a nigga birthday when you get a chance.

” I shifted with my knees raised to my chest.

“No. I don’t want you anywhere near our son.

I hope you never get to see him again!” Her words stung, but I couldn’t say I didn’t deserve it.

“You promised! You promised him that you would take care of me. I heard you while asleep in the hospital. Y-you told him that you would make sure I was straight and that we would celebrate his life together. You’re a liar!

“You told me you loved me, but when you love someone, you don’t break them down like this.

You told me that I could count on you. That I didn’t need my family because I could be a part of yours.

” My head rested against the door as I listened to her cry.

It crushed me. “Nobody ever wanted me until you came along, and now you’re trying to leave me too.

I hate you! You made me give you my heart just for you to break it!

” Hearing her weep twisted my heart inside my chest. She thought I didn’t love her, but she had no idea how deep this shit ran for me.

Her love was the greatest addiction I had ever experienced.

The kind I never wanted to recover from.

“I love you, Juicy.”

“No you don’t. If you loved me, you would fight for me.

For us. You’re giving up, and the man I love would never let anything or anyone defeat him like this.

Pooh called you his idol, but he must have confused you with someone else.

You’re nothing more than a weak ass bitch.

You want to pull out your gun when shit doesn’t go your way instead of fighting like a real man.

You don’t even deserve a proper burial. They should throw your ass right in the fucking dirt.

” Anger laced her words, but I knew she was simply trying to bait me.

She wanted to set me off so I would open the door and let her in.

“Aye, where is he?” The sound of my brother’s voice set me off. What the fuck was he doing here? “Soul!”

“Take her and get out of here. I’m not playin’,” I warned.

“You must have forgotten that I’m the older brother, and I’ll never take orders from you.

Open the door, Bro.” I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me.

I didn’t understand why no one would respect my wishes.

It was my fault, though, because I should have gotten it over with before she found me.

I was trying to protect her from being traumatized like I was.

“Neeya, what the fuck?” I froze when I heard the fear in my brother’s voice.

“I’m so tired,” she cried. “If he wants to leave this Earth, then I guess we’ll leave this bitch together.”

I replayed her words over in my head, trying to make sense of them.

“This isn’t the answer, for either of you. Everybody needs to take a step back and think this through. Both of you have way too much to lose.”

“I don’t have anything. My baby is gone and now the only man I’ve ever loved is trying to leave too.

I might as well be with my family, right?

” Hearing enough, I stood up and yanked the door open.

My eyes ballooned as they landed on a distraught Juicy with a gun to her head.

The sympathetic expression on Pure’s face told me it belonged to him.

“What the fuck are you doing, Juicy?” I stepped closer with my hands up in mock surrender. When I got too close, she stepped back. “Don’t do this.”

“I don’t want to hear shit you have to say, Soul. You want to take the cowardly way out, then let’s do it together.” Her nostrils flared while the tears continued to fall. My chest grew tight with worry because this wasn’t the way things were supposed to go.

“Juicy—”

“No. I don’t want to hear it. Either you give the gun to Pure or we’re gonna have a double funeral. The choice is yours.”

“Put the fucking gun down.”

“You first.”

“Why are you doing this?” I huffed, feeling emotionally drained inside. My gun rested at my side as we engaged in a stare off.

“Do you love me?”

“More than anything.”

“How much is my life worth to you?” she asked. Her question caused me to pause, but not because I needed time to think of an answer.

“It’s priceless.”

“Would you die for me?” Her pretty brown eyes burrowed into mine, waiting for a response she should have already known the answer to.

“No questions asked.”

“Then am I worth living for?” I dropped my head in understanding, knowing what I had to do next. I couldn’t afford for my demons to take away another person I loved. I glanced over at Pure, and he gave me a nod to let me know it was the right thing to do.