Page 106 of Search My Soul (Taylor Family Saga #3)

I rested my head on the couch as the weed began to infiltrate my system.

You could say I traded one drug for another, but weed was different for me.

It helped me regulate my emotions a lot of the times.

Right now, my mind was all over the place, and I needed to calm myself down before I went off the deep end.

“Do you want something to eat?” Juicy asked, switching her hips as she walked further into the living room.

“Why are you here?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she countered. My jaw flexed as we watched each other, and I couldn’t help but admire the beauty before me. For a moment, I wondered what life would have been like had our little man survived. I never saw myself as a family man, but with Juicy, I could see the vision clearly.

“You don’t need to rescue me. I’ve never been the type that needed saving.”

“What do you propose I do? Sit back and watch you self-destruct?”

“What difference does it make to you? Don’t you have a man? Worry about that lame ass nigga because I’m good over here.”

“What are you trying to say? I’m not allowed to care about you anymore? Is that how easy it is for you? You told me that you would love me forever, so was that a lie too?” I glared at her because she was making this into something it wasn’t. However, I wasn’t trying to go there with her.

“I never said that. Look, I’m good, all right? You can run back and tell my family not to worry about me and move on with your life. I’ve never been a charity case, and I’m damn sure not about to start being one now,” I grumbled, ready to end this conversation.

“Well, unfortunately for you, I’m not going anywhere. I brought enough groceries to last at least a week, so I hope you don’t mind having company.” She shrugged before heading off to the kitchen. I shook my head in annoyance. Of course, she wasn’t gonna make this easy on me.

I sat there watching TV while Rosco and Apollo followed their favorite human around the kitchen. Occasionally, I would hear her talking to them and I knew her ass was probably feeding them. She always snuck them snacks when she thought I wasn’t looking.

When she finished, she summoned me into the kitchen to eat at the table. I felt like a little kid when I used to get in trouble with my mama. She used to give me this look to let me know she wasn’t playing with me. Juicy gave me the same look as I sauntered over to the table.

“You do know my mama’s dead, right?”

“How many times are you gonna remind me? Trust me, I’ve had more talks with Mrs. Angel than you think. Have a seat.” Her eyes flickered over to the seat in front of her. I chuckled then took my seat. I won’t lie, the food looked incredible, and my stomach grumbled for the first time in a while.

When I first got here, I couldn’t eat because all I could see was Pooh’s lifeless body as I cradled him in my arms. The visions of him kept me up at night, which only made me more delirious.

We ate in silence while I watched Juicy take turns feeding the boys pieces of her steak.

Both of them sat patiently at her feet with their tongues out.

It should have been awkward for me to sit in front of her, but it wasn’t.

If anything, this was the first time in a while things seemed to feel normal.

“Do you want me to wash the dishes?”

“No thanks. I don’t like the way you wash them. You somehow manage to leave a little food on the plates, so I would rather do it myself,” Juicy shot back. I stood there stunned because this was the first time she ever said something like that to me.

“You’re a damn lie. My mama taught me how to wash dishes the right way. You got me fucked up.”

“Well, no offense to the queen, but she failed with you. You don’t know how to wash dishes or do laundry correctly.

Thank goodness you have money because I don’t know how you would survive without help.

” I frowned at her snarky ass comment. Granted, I did pay for certain luxuries, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t able to fend for myself.

“Yeah, well maybe I’ll find a woman who will help me learn how to do it the right way.” This time, her jaw flexed as she snatched the plates off the table.

“Soul, you must want to piss me off, and I promise this isn’t what you want,” Juicy spat. As much as I loved getting under her skin, I wanted to know why my comment bothered her so much.

“I wasn’t trying to piss you off. I’m just being honest. Once I get my shit in order, I still want to settle down with someone one day. Then, I’ll be able to give my boys a step mama.” I lied. There wasn’t anyone in this world I would ever consider settling down with if it wasn’t her.

“Soul, get the fuck out of the kitchen before you end up with a frying pan across your face. I’m not playing either. Take my boys outside and find something safe to do.” I chuckled, enjoying this side of her. Juicy was a wild one just like me, but she kept hers under wraps until she was pushed.

“Damn, you ain’t gotta be mean. Come on, y’all.

Ya mama has an attitude.” Rosco and Apollo looked back and forth between us trying to decide what to do.

After a few moments of consideration, they trotted over to me.

Juicy and I locked eyes for a moment. Her eyes held a multitude of emotions, and a part of me wanted to get to the bottom of them.

She was here for a reason, and I wanted to know what was on her mind.

Four days later

I never liked to call myself an addict even though it was what I was.

I hated the idea of anything having so much power over me that I couldn’t function without it.

However, as I sat on the bathroom floor sweating, I realized that I had underestimated the power of my addiction.

When I finished my last stint in rehab all those years ago, I swore I would never allow myself to fall victim to this again.

Not only did I fail myself, but I failed everyone who loved me and was rooting for my recovery.

Tears fell from my eyes as I reflected on the way life had been going for me lately.

I wasn’t sure what kind of test Big G was trying to take me through, but it was obvious, I wasn’t as strong as he thought I was.

The fog of the drugs had worn off, and panic had settled in.

All of the emotions I was trying to suppress were coming at me fast and I wasn’t ready to deal with any of them.

Juicy ended up tossing my weed out after breakfast the other day claiming that I needed to get everything out of my system until I was completely clean.

I don’t know who the hell she thought she was, but I was tired of her trying to boss up on me.

Visions of my parents laid up in their caskets flashed through my mind.

I recalled the day we found out they were dead.

I was so numb that I could barely process what anyone was saying.

There was no way the people who created me were no longer breathing, and I refused to believe it until I saw them for myself.

In my mind, they were just on a vacation and would be coming back as soon as they could.

It wasn’t until I stood in front of the church staring down at the shells of their once lively bodies that I realized it wasn’t a misunderstanding or a dream. They were gone and never coming back.

My mind switched over to Semaj and our last conversation.

We talked for hours about our plans for the future.

He was smarter than me when it came to academics, but he never allowed me to slack.

Most boys in our grade were caught up in girls and trying to be cool, but not him.

He stayed focused and put in the work to get where he wanted to go.

The night he died, he was telling me how he wanted to get his family out of the neighborhood and set them up for life.

My parents were in the game, but they encouraged us to follow our dreams no matter how big they were.

Semaj made me promise that I would apply more effort into my schoolwork so we could both make it to the NBA, and I promised him I would.

I failed him too. The moment put that white sheet over his body, all promises went out of the window.

I felt powerless because I couldn’t save my friend, and I vowed to never be caught slipping again.

No one I loved would ever die on my watch if I had anything to do with it.

My head tilted back as my hand gripped my pistol.

Mama Lynnette’s screams pierced through my thoughts as I rocked and forth, hitting my back against the door.

I failed her twice. After Semaj passed, she became possessive and paranoid when it came to her other children.

Pooh used to come to me crying because she refused to allow him to play outside.

Eventually, I was able to convince her to let him hang with me.

She was hesitant and she used to call every hour until she eventually began to trust me.

We used to talk about Semaj, and she would always tell me how proud he would be of me.

He probably hated me now. I knew about Pooh’s beef, but I thought I had things under control.

The pained expression on Mama Lynn’s would forever haunt me.

I stood by her as she buried yet another child.

Another brother I wasn’t able to protect.

“Fuck!” I roared, unable to control the tears as they fell.

My family looked to me and Pure for protection, but maybe Pure was right.

Maybe I was destined to be the family fuck up.

Everyone I ever loved either ended up dead or in danger because of me.

My hand brushed across the newest tattoo on my arm which was a trace of my baby boy’s footprints accompanied by his name and date of birth.