Page 100 of Search My Soul (Taylor Family Saga #3)

“Well, it’s obvious that you don’t care whether he’s okay or not, but I do. I need to lay eyes on him so I can see for myself that he’s okay.” Silence. Pure and I had very few interactions within the time Soul and I were together, but he was about to see a side of me he wasn’t gonna like.

“Don’t you have a nigga? Why are you so worried about my brother?”

“Are you gonna give me his location or not, because I didn’t ask for your smart ass comments.

The fact that you haven’t bothered to go see him tells me everything I need to know.

You’re a coldhearted asshole, and I pray no innocent woman has the misfortune of trying to get close to you.

Now, you can either tell me what the fuck I want to know, or I’ll file a police report and post that he’s missing and that you aren’t doing anything to help.

I don’t see how you can sleep at night when someone you’re supposed to love is suffering, but that’s a conversation you need to have with your therapist.” My chest heaved up and down as I paced the parking lot.

I expected this conversation to go a completely different way, and I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him.

“Damn. I guess bro wasn’t lying. You’ve got some fire in you.” The sound of him chuckling sent me over the edge, and I had to take a few deep breaths before I called him everything but a child of God.

“Hold on. I’m about to add someone to the call.” He didn’t even wait for me to respond. I felt like I was on a prank show because there was no way he was being serious right now.

“What’s good, killa?” I recognized Duke’s voice right away, and it gave me some comfort.

“Shit, are you talking to me or her because lil mama over there ready to cut my damn head off.”

“I told you sis was nothing to play with. What’s up, juicy booty? My nigga ain’t around so I can call you that now.” I smiled involuntarily because I was still pissed.

“Can you please tell me where he is before he ends up grieving his big brother? I liked his ass better when he didn’t speak.”

“Damn. I don’t want to piss you off any more than he already has.

I’ll send you the location as soon as I pull over.

It’s a cabin that his family bought when they were young.

He goes up there occasionally when he doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone.

Now, I’m telling you, he isn’t going to be happy to see you, and he might be in a condition you aren’t used to seeing him in,” Duke warned.

“If you know that he’s in a bad condition, why would you allow him to be alone? I don’t get it. Y’all claim to love him so much, but none of you seem to have a sense of urgency when it comes to his safety. What the fuck?”

“I understand where you’re coming from, sis.

However, you’ve got to understand that men handle shit differently.

Soul doesn’t want to be coddled. Right now, the only thing he wants to do is destroy.

He doesn’t like us around because he believes we’ll judge him for spiraling, and we’ve been around long enough to know that arguing with him is pointless.

“He’ll break some shit, drink his weight in liquor, and be back to his normal self within a few weeks.

The reason why he shared his location with me and Pure is because he knows the family will worry and he doesn’t want that.

We’re not heartless at all. We just love him enough to respect his boundaries. ”

“Well, I guess I don’t love him in that way because I don’t give a fuck about his boundaries right now.

I’m willing to bet money that he isn’t taking his meds, and that alone scares me.

Grief hits people differently, and this situation may not be the same as the others.

Either way, I’m not willing to gamble with his life.

Send me the address, and don’t make me have to chase you down for it. ”

“It’s a twelve-hour drive, so I would suggest you plan to stay for a few days.

We planned to make the trip anyway, but I’ll give you a few days with him because, depending on how bad things are, you might not get to see him for a little while.

” The last part of his statement confused me, so I asked a few more questions.

When he broke everything down to me, it shattered my heart even more.

I knew then that I had to make my way up there.

He would need all the support he could get, whether he believed he needed it or not.

“Let me get this straight. You’re about to pack a bag so that you can go check on your ex-boyfriend.

Am I understanding this correctly?” Darion asked as he followed me around the room.

I knew that he would have a difficult time understanding this, and quite frankly, I didn’t blame him.

Unfortunately for him, this wasn’t something that was up for negotiation.

“I don’t know how many other ways I can explain it to you. Soul is in trouble, and I need to make sure that he’s safe.” I tried to keep my tone even because this wasn’t his fault, and I understood his frustration. However, he was two seconds from pissing me off.

“Ain’t he some type of kingpin or something?

Doesn’t he have people for this? As a matter of fact, he has like seven or eight siblings.

Why the fuck can’t they check on him?” I then turned around so I could look him in the eyes.

We hardly ever argued, and I didn’t want this to escalate any further than it needed to.

“You have every right to be upset. I get it, and if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be mad too. However, this isn’t something that I’m gonna keep explaining.

Outside of him being my ex, Soul is also someone that I care about.

I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to him, and I didn’t even bother to make sure he was all right. ”

“I’m not trying to hear any of that bullshit.

Because no matter how you slice it, you’re still going to see your ex, and I don’t think that shit is cool.

How do I know that this isn’t some lame excuse so that you can run off into the sunset with him?

I mean, it’s clear that you obviously have feelings for him that you haven’t resolved.

Tell me what the fuck is really going on.

” Darion stepped in front of me, and it made me uncomfortable.

We had never been in this type of argument, and I was trying my hardest not to overreact.

“If I wanted to run off into the sunset with him, I wouldn’t have to make an excuse to do it.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It means exactly what I just said. I’m not married or tied down to anyone, so if I wanted to go on a vacation with him as you put it then I could do so. I don’t have to lie to you or anyone else.”

“Wow. So it’s just fuck my feelings and fuck how I feel, huh?”

“I’m not saying that at all. I understand your feelings, but what I’m trying to explain to you is that in this moment your feelings are going to have to take a backseat. There is nothing that you can say that will convince me not to go, so you’re wasting your breath.”

“And what if that’s not good enough for me?

” Darion glared at me with his arms folded.

This situation was fucked up on all ends, but there was nothing I could do.

Pure and Duke weren’t moving fast enough for me, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t know for sure that he was breathing.

Right now, I didn’t care about anybody else’s feelings, not even my own. All I wanted to do was see Soul.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Darion. No matter what I tell you, it isn’t gonna change anything.”

“You are something else. I wanna be mad at you, but you’re right. I would be wasting my time, because at the end of the day we both know the truth.” Darion scoffed. His facial expression told me that he was angry and disappointed.

“And what truth is that exactly?”

“You’re still in love with him. And please don’t give me that bullshit line about how you care about him or how you have love for him because of your history.

Y’all were together for almost the same amount of time as we’ve been together, but he had way more access to you than me.

I bet you have no problem telling him you love him, but I don’t get any of that.

“I’m not even tripping about it, but the facts are the facts.

The only reason why you’re not with him is because he fucked up and you’re afraid that if you let him in again that he’ll hurt you again.

” My head dropped in shame. It wasn’t because I didn’t care about him, but it was because he was right.

I loved Soul. I loved him in a way that I had never loved another man, and no matter how much time I spent away from him, those feelings were still present.

“Darion, I?—”

“Please spare me the pity speech. I knew this shit was coming to end when he bought you that car. The fact that you even thought it was okay to accept it let me know that my feelings would never matter as much as his. I’m not the type of person to compete with anyone unless it’s on the field.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that if you walk out that door, our relationship is over.

I’m not going to ask you to choose between me and another man, but your decision will determine our fate.

I don’t wanna have to look over my shoulders and wonder every time you guys are close to each other.

There’s a reason why he feels so comfortable giving you things that only your man should.

It’s because deep down you both know that you belong with each other, and instead of being honest, you’d rather string your partners for a ride.

I have way too much going on in my life to be a part of this roller coaster, so I’m letting you off. ”

I wanted to apologize to him and explain that it wasn’t anything that he did wrong.

Even now I didn’t feel like Darion was in the wrong.

It took me a while to realize that there was simply no getting over Soul.

He was embedded into my heart, my mind, and my soul.

If there were ever a choice between him and someone else, it would always be him, and that wasn’t fair to anyone.

Silence lingered over us.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered with tears streaming down my face.

I’ve always tried to do right by the people in my life because I didn’t want any bad karma.

However, I hurt someone I cared about, and I had to take accountability for that.

There were so many things that I should have said, could have said.

Instead, all I could offer was an apology.

Now wasn’t the time for me to have this conversation with him because emotions were still raw.

Offering friendship to him would’ve been a slap in the face, and I had already hurt him enough.

“There’s no need for you to be sorry. You made the choice that you felt was best for you and I can’t be mad at that.

Take care of yourself, Neeya.” I turned my back because I wasn’t strong enough to watch him walk out of the door.

It broke my heart even though I knew it was the right thing to do.

Whether Soul and I ended up together in the future or not, I knew in my heart that Darion wasn’t my person.

It was best to let him go now, rather than drag this out for years only to end up with the same outcome.

I cried silently as I continued to pack my bags.

Since the fellas warned me about the long journey, I decided to stop by the grocery store and grab a couple of coolers and necessities.

The only thought on my mind was getting to Soul.

I needed to lay eyes on my heart so that I could be at peace. Everything else would have to wait.