Page 53 of Ruin (Hell’s Mayhem MC: Maine Chapter #2)

Chapter Fifty-Two

Kolton

A few of the guys are already at the clubhouse when I arrive. Breakfast is made, as it usually is, and today I grab myself a plate. Shark stares at me from his spot at the table.

“What?” I ask as I sit beside him.

“You never eat the food.”

“It’s pancakes. How do you fuck up pancakes?”

“By spitting in them.”

I stare down at my plate, sighing. “Fuck you, Shark.”

He laughs, and I drizzle syrup on them before cutting into them and hesitantly taking a bite, forcing myself not to imagine Spam, or anyone else, spitting into the pancake batter.

This is why I don’t talk to people. They use my shit against me.

However, I guess that’s what brothers are supposed to do, and maybe it’ll help me deal with the shit going on in my head.

The more he fucks with me, the more I have to work at ignoring it, the easier it may be to get over it.

Or at the very least, live with it in a way where it isn’t too much.

I mean, he and his girlfriend are living in my house right now.

I’m not there ritualistically cleaning it.

I’m staying with Lucian and living out of my duffel bags—something he said he would remedy today while I was gone.

He would put all my things away. More progress.

Normally, I wouldn’t let anyone touch my things.

And to top it all off, his house is so dirty it’s not even funny.

And not dirty from trash, but because he’s remodeling.

There is sawdust and dust everywhere. Tools all over, paint splattered here and there. It’s truly a mess.

But now that I’m finding joy in some things and have Lucian by my side, it’s easier to deal with the stuff that bothers me.

I know what it is, and I know there isn’t a cure for it, but it is manageable, and I read that sometimes the best way to deal with something like OCD is to keep your mind busy and occupied.

The more free time you have, the more your thoughts roam and wander and obsess.

OCD isn’t just having to wash your hands a million times a day or making sure your stove is off before you leave the house. It can be so much more than that.

Shark, Ghost, Spam, and I chat as we eat.

More guys show up, they get their food and join in on the conversation.

It all feels normal. I don’t feel like an outsider, like I had before.

Now that I’m allowing myself to be a part of it, I realize it’s not everyone else all the time. Sometimes it is me.

By the time we’re finished eating, it’s time to go in for the meeting. We sit in our usual chairs, and I put my laptop down in front of me but don’t open it yet as I want to focus on what Coyote has to say.

“So, we’ve had an interesting weekend,” Coyote starts, tapping on the table before getting to his feet. “First of all, I want to apologize to you all for the way I’ve been acting. It was unfair to everyone and outright disrespectful, but I’m hoping we can move past all that and become stronger.”

Shark is nodding at his side, showing us that he approves of this. It means a lot. All the guys here may be iffy on Coyote, especially after this weekend, but everyone loves my brother. He’s just one of those guys you can’t help but like, even if he is annoying as fuck.

Coyote clears his throat before looking everyone in the eye and explaining what happened.

It takes him a few minutes to get it all out, giving a lot of good information but not overdoing it.

When he’s done, it’s quiet. No one moves as we all process what this could mean, then I see heads turning this way and that as they have silent conversations with each other, feeling each other out.

It’s a lot, and there’s no guarantee everyone will forgive him.

“So, you expect us to just move forward?” Rhino asks, sounding a bit disgusted. I think out of everyone, he’ll be the hardest to get through to. Unfortunately, if he’s the only one, he’ll lose.

“Yes,” Coyote says. “Shark and I have been talking, and we feel this is what’s best for the club.”

“So you two are the only ones who have a say?” Rhino asks .

“We all have a say,” Shark adds firmly. “But you know how this goes, Rhino.”

“Right,” he says with a humorless laugh, then gets to his feet. “I know exactly how it fucking goes.” And then he walks out the door.

“Should someone go after him?” Tank asks.

“No,” Shark says. “I’ll talk to him later. Let’s finish up here, lay it all out, see what everyone else thinks first.”

Coyote shifts his feet and says, “You all know Howler was here yesterday for a meeting, which is why we’re sitting here together on a Monday. Seems their club has had some changes, and we talked about a treaty.”

A few of the guys scoff, but Coyote continues.

“We didn’t decide on anything. We need to look at maps and figure shit out, but they have a point.

We’re sick of people dying and getting hurt; we’re sick of all the fighting.

Right now, they’re our biggest enemy. We both live in this state and we should both be taking care of it.

The border is big enough for them to get a share.

They don’t need to take from us, they can have their own, as long as they figure it out on their own.

They don’t impede on us; we don’t impede on them. ”

“There’s a reason they didn’t do that in the first place. They’re impossible to get to,” Grizz says.

“And that’s why we’re working on figuring out a way to make it happen,” Coyote begins.

“Look, I know I fucked up, but having more allies will help us, especially over the next couple years, as we grow. The whole point of this club is to protect the town, and that’s all well and good, but we need to look at the bigger picture.

We drove all the way to New Hampshire to ask for help when we needed it, and those guys over there had no problem helping us.

But why do that when we’re bigger than them?

Our state is our home, not just this town.

There’s no reason we can’t branch out and make other towns safe too.

It doesn’t just have to be about Pinehaven. ”

A few of the guys nod in agreement, but a few still seem unsure.

“We aren’t voting on this today, but it will be a vote. Majority rules, as we’ve usually done,” my brother explains.

Coyote nods, then adds, “I’ll be around if anyone wants to talk or has questions.

If you choose to get rid of me, I’ll deal with it, but I’d like a chance to make this club worth something more.

Some of our fathers cheapened it, and made our experience shit.

I don’t want that for the future of our club—for our kids.

We need to do better. Fucking up made me see that. ”

When the meeting ends, I decide I don’t want to spend the day with the club.

Usually Sunday is our day off, but since I didn’t get that, I’m going home now.

I’ll surprise Lucian, we’ll fuck, eat dinner, fuck again, then go to sleep.

Maybe we’ll do something in between, like get some work done on his house.

The sooner it’s finished, the sooner it can be cleaned.

His car isn’t parked out front when I get there, so I assume he’s out running errands, maybe, I don’t fucking know.

But I use my key to head inside, and go to the kitchen to grab a cold bottle of water.

It’s hot as fuck today. Any day now, it’ll flip like a switch and the warm days will be replaced with cold ones, and then soon after, the snow will come.

I don’t hate the snow, but it makes it hard to ride.

I like my truck, but I love my bike more, and unfortunately, we don’t get a lot of ride time in the winter since they’re so brutal.

I’m used to there being chaos in this house, since he’s doing so much work on it.

A lot of things don’t have places since there isn’t much furniture or the furniture is covered and not used.

But I’ve never seen a stack of mail on the kitchen counter before, so it catches my attention.

What really catches my attention is where the letter on the top of the stack is from.

Probate court.

What could he possibly be getting from probate court in Boston?

I stare at it and feel like it’s staring right back at me. Taunting me. I know what that is, but I don’t want to admit it because it doesn’t make sense.

He said they were divorced. He said they were over. Had been for a few years.

My stomach threatens to expel the water I just drank, and that lump comes back to my throat.

As much as I want to trust him, I can’t. Yes, he came back to me, but that doesn’t mean he’s being truthful. Whatever is in that envelope, it feels important. It feels like it’s going to destroy me. So I do the only thing that makes sense, and I tear it the fuck open .

Chapter Fifty-Three

Lucian

I have no idea what time Kolton will be home, but I want us to have a nice dinner together, so I go out early to get everything I need.

I stop at the butcher shop to get prime cuts of steak, then go across the street to the grocery for potatoes and squash.

I hit the liquor store on the way home to get wine that will pair well with the meal.

It’s my favorite thing to eat. I’m a steak and potatoes kind of guy, and so is Kolton.

He likes eating fresh and healthy, so cooking a meal for us is easy.

I’m surprised to see his truck when I pull into my driveway, but even more surprised to see him sitting on the front steps.

He looks up at the sound of my car on the dirt driveway, and I know something is wrong immediately.

I can feel it, even from here. It’s like a weight on my chest. And when I get closer, I see the shadows along his face.

A lot of his worries are my fault. I know his trust issues with me are because of me.

I know this relationship between us isn’t going to be easy, it’s going to take a lot of work and time, but, fuck…

I just want to get to the good stuff. I just want us to enjoy each other and forget the bullshit past. I want to move on, start fresh, and build a life together.

I’m just ready to be happy with Kolton and give him everything I’ve promised him and more.

Turning the car off, I take a breath before getting out, leaving everything in the car—I’ll deal with it later. I force a smile, hoping I’m wrong and that everything with him is fine. Maybe he had a bad day. Maybe he’s tired. Maybe he missed me.

He gets to his feet as I move closer, and I see something clenched in his hand. A piece of paper.

“What the fuck is this?” he asks, his voice calm but with an edge of anger to it. He offers the paper to me, and I take it, turning it over to look at it.

My throat gets tight when I see what it is. I wasn’t trying to hide this from him; I didn’t even realize it came in, but I knew this would be an issue when it did. I was hoping we could talk about it first, because it doesn’t need to be an issue.

“Divorce papers,” I answer truthfully.

“Yeah,” he says, huffing out a humorless laugh. “You said you were divorced.”

“No, I didn’t.” I shake my head.

He works his jaw. “You lead me to believe—”

“No, I didn’t,” I say more firmly, stepping closer to him. “I never said Beth and I were divorced. I said we were separated.” His eyes search mine, and I see the anger flaring there, but I won’t sugarcoat this. “You didn’t want to talk about it when I tried to explain,” I add.

His jaw clenches, eyes turning red and watery. “How is it so easy for you to hurt me?” he chokes out.

My heart shatters into a million fucking pieces at those words because if only he knew that hurting him is the worst pain I have ever felt. “Kolton— ”

He shoves past me, hops on his bike, and leaves. I run a hand through my hair, turning around to watch him go, the papers still held tightly in my hand.

I should have pushed this harder. I should have made sure he understood.

But also… he needs to take accountability too.

I can’t baby him forever. He made the decision to not listen to me.

I tried. He didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want to listen.

This isn’t fully on me. But I know damn well I’m going to chase him down and fix it because I cannot live without him.

And I told him if he wanted me to chase him, I would do it forever.

I quickly bring all the groceries inside, shoving the bags in the fridge so nothing goes bad.

When I get back in my car, the first place I check is the park.

I knew he wouldn’t be here, not this time because it was too easy, but I had to check, anyway.

The next place I think of is the clubhouse, but I decide to stop at his house first because it seems like the last place he would go since his brother is there.

Typically, I’d think he wants to be alone, but today feels different.

I see his bike in the driveway and breathe out a sigh of relief, pulling up beside it. I get out and go to the front door that’s already being pulled open.

“Kaison,” I say, sighing.

“He’s going to kill you if you try coming in here.”

“I just want to talk to him.”

“He don’t want to talk to you.”

“Did he tell you what happened?”

“Nope.”

“And you don’t care because you’re his brother. Fine, I get it.” I run a hand through my hair and look at my car, then back at Kaison. “I love him, Kaison, and I don’t know how you feel about the whole thing, but trust me when I say I love him. I want nothing more than for us to be together.”

“Maybe you should stop pissing him off.”

“Have you met him?” I say loudly.

Kaison smirks, steps outside, and closes the door behind him.

“I’m not going to ask questions because my brother is a private person, but I do know he cares about you, and I imagine you care about him too.”

“I do,” I say firmly.

“Give him the night to cool off. Come by in the morning.”

“I don’t want that, Kaison. I was just gone all weekend. I want to see him now. I want to be with him. I just want him to fucking talk to me about his problems instead of running away all the damn time.”

Kaison frowns, understanding flashing in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Kaison says. “Really, I am. I’ll talk to him, but I doubt what you want is going to happen tonight. Come back in the morning, Lucian.”

He gives my shoulder a squeeze, then heads back into the house. And I’m left standing on the porch all alone.