Page 33 of Ruin (Hell’s Mayhem MC: Maine Chapter #2)

Chapter Thirty-Two

Lucian

It’s been years since my dick has been in someone’s mouth.

The last person to suck it was Kolton. But that isn’t what this is.

This isn’t sexual, it’s healing. It’s something we found all those years ago, that soothes us both.

I know it’s common enough, but I can’t begin to explain how it works.

Just being connected to him, I guess. The amount of trust and comfort you need with someone to do this is extraordinarily high.

It’s rare. There’s comfort in that alone.

I brush my fingers through Kolton’s thick dark hair. It’s longer than it was years ago. More for me to grab onto, but those aren’t the thoughts I need to have right now.

He’s grown up into a man, but I still see my sweet boy behind those eyes. Buried behind all the pain and stone, I know he’s in there.

I’ve done a lot of wrong in my life, but there are a few things I am proud of, a few things I did right.

Giving in to him all those years ago is one thing I did right.

I’ve never felt love from anyone the way I have from Kolton, and I was a fool for letting it go.

I should have handled the situation differently, and one day, when things between him and I are good, I’ll explain it all.

I need to be very clear with him. Leaving him there had nothing to do with my marriage. It had nothing to do with Beth. It had nothing to do with the affair Kolton and I were having. I’ll explain it all to him one day, when the time is right. That isn’t today.

Becoming a doctor was another thing I did right. It gave me something to live for, something outside of my family. Something that helped others and made me feel important and worth something.

The best thing of all though, is my son.

Kolton and I had conversations about Luke, and though I wasn’t sure how he would react, he was never a reason for not being with Kolton.

I love my son. He’s the only child I have, and I would do anything for him.

But by the time Kolton and I were a thing, Luke was an adult.

He no longer needed me to take care of him, and though I would still do anything for him, it’s not up to him to dictate what I do with my life.

If he couldn’t accept my choices, then he would have to deal with that.

I taught him all about respect and worth, and I wish I could know how he would take me being with Kolton.

Would it bring them closer or would it be a point of contention?

He and Kolton never were close, but maybe Kolton and me being together could have changed that.

With my dick in his mouth, Kolton falls into a peaceful sleep.

I watch him for hours, just looking down at his eyelids fluttering, the small but sharp intakes of breath through his nose.

In sleep, he’s peaceful. I wish he could feel that peace during the day.

I wish he could let go of all the anger he holds onto and move forward, move past it.

Many times I wished I’d become a psychiatrist rather than a surgeon, but even if I had, he wouldn’t have talked to me.

I am the problem here, and maybe if he had a friend, he’d have gotten over it by now.

Not just me, but all of it. I know there’s pain there that has nothing to do with me.

We never got to a point where he opened up to me about it. Kolton doesn’t open up to anyone.

I was never sure who he told and didn’t.

Kolton didn’t have friends growing up. Kaison and him weren’t close, despite their close age.

The more I thought about the interaction with Kaison at the bar, the more I’m sure he knows.

Perhaps Kolton told him recently. Kaison isn’t the type of person to let his loved ones suffer, despite their feelings on the matter.

So, of course, he’d be angry with me if he knew how much I hurt his brother.

Kolton was devastated when I left. I didn’t need someone to tell me that to know it.

I knew how much it would hurt him when I couldn’t go back.

The cowardly part of me was grateful I didn’t have to see it on his face.

I’m not sure what I would have done. Life happened, and I didn’t see Kolton again until I came here recently.

Back then, Kaison would have noticed if something was off with Kolton.

If he knew of us then, he would have put two and two together, and he would have found me.

Kaison doesn’t need closeness to be loyal.

Kolton is his brother, and he would do anything for him, even if they hated each other. That’s just the kind of man he is.

I anticipate Kolton waking up when the sun does.

He won’t be happy about me still being here.

Being together in the dark always was easier for us.

We could hide, be ourselves, without anyone seeing.

Hiding is what we did, but I don’t want to do that anymore.

He was right when he said that we haven’t done this before.

Not this. What we did before was… broken.

We can’t have a repeat of that. We need to do this differently, better. We need to learn from our mistakes.

It’s around five in the morning when my eyes start drifting closed and I doze off, Kolton’s mouth still around my cock. It’s a warm sensation pooling in my stomach that wakes me. My eyes, gritty and dry, open and the pleasure makes sense.

“Fuck, Kolton,” I say, my hand going to the back of his head as he takes my dick to the back of his throat. I groan, letting my head fall back.

He moans around my dick, swallowing and sucking like his life depends on it.

He grips my pants, pulling them down to get to my balls.

He massages them gently, rubbing his spit in.

His finger slowly makes its way downward, pressing on the spot just beneath my sac, and I hiss, the pleasure shooting up my spine.

“You give the best blow jobs,” I tell him. “You make me feel so good.”

Kolton moans again, sucking harder and bobbing his head slower, just the way I like—the way to drive me mad.

Sucking me off was something he wanted to be good at, and it didn’t take him long to figure out.

Edging me became an art that he excelled at.

We’d spend hours together with him doing it.

I think it was a way for him to be in control, and that was fine with me because it felt amazing.

His finger slips further down and presses against my hole. I clench on instinct, even though I’ll gladly welcome him inside.

“Let me in,” he says, dragging his lips along my shaft. “Please.”

“Go slow,” I tell him. “It’s been a long time.”

He nods, kissing the base of my dick, then drags his tongue up the underside.

His eyes are bright, hair a mess. Cheekbones and chin sharp. There are tattoos everywhere, an uncountable amount. I bet we could spend a whole day talking about them.

I relax when he pushes his finger against me, and this time he breaches me. My toes curl, my hips moving to him, needing more.

Kolton is the only man I ever let inside me. Before my wife, I knew I found men attractive and had a few trysts, but I was the top. The way I took Kolton’s firsts, he also took some of mine.

With precision and care, he works his finger inside me, pressing upward.

“Oh, fucking hell,” I grit out, gripping onto the couch. My dick throbs, a bead of precum gathering at the tip. Kolton smirks when he leans in to lick it up, his eyes on mine.

“I like seeing you like this,” he says softly, as he pulls his finger out and slides back in .

“Desperate?”

“And needy. For me.”

“Always for you.”

His gaze goes to my dick as he wraps his hand around me to stroke slowly. “I miss the way your cum tastes.”

“Give me a minute and you’ll get plenty.”

He smirks. “Not if I have a say in it.”

“Fuck, Kolton. I can’t… Don’t do this now.”

“But it’s so much fun,” he comments, sliding his finger in deeper and squeezing my dick.

“Kolton,” I groan. “Fuck.”

I thrust my hips up, needing him to jerk me more. I’m right on the edge and need to come.

“Say please,” he whispers as he drops his head and swirls his tongue around the head of my cock.

“Please, Kolton. Please, let me come.”

His lips wrap around my dick and I groan in relief, only for him to pop off and say, “No.”

I groan a sound of annoyance, my fingers digging into the couch cushion.

I’m panting, my heart pounding. There's a challenge in his eyes, and I can’t be sure what he wants right now.

Does he want to keep playing this game and drive me crazy, or does he want me to flip it and take him? Considering it’s what I did the last time, I’m going to say he wants to fuck with me. He needs to be in control right now; he needs to torture me.

Fine. If it’s what he needs, I’ll play along .

“I’m not good at controlling it,” I admit, trying to catch my breath. “Not anymore.”

“Makes it all the more sexy.”

He pulls his fingers from me, and I grit my teeth. He spits on his fingers, the sight sexy beyond belief, before sliding two inside me, as deep as they’ll go.

“Will you come just like this?” he asks, his thumb brushing along the underside of my dick, right below the crown, while his fingers swipe along my prostate with each thrust.

“If you don’t stop,” I say.

“Did you not expect this to happen?”

“No,” I growl.

He huffs out a laugh, dipping down to lick up the precum dripping down my cock head.

That sight alone has me nearly exploding.

I should let go. I so badly want to give in to the pleasure, but I like giving this to him.

I like allowing him some control because I trust him with it.

And I like giving him something that makes him happy, something that he needs.

Kolton needs control, and he doesn’t get much of it elsewhere.

I will always give it to him as long as he needs it.

Kolton takes me into his mouth again, using his fingers inside me like a pro. That, mixed with the way he’s sucking me off, I can’t last any longer.

“Kolton, baby, I’m going to come if you don’t stop,” I pant out, gripping his shoulder.

He hums a happy sound around my dick, then shoves me to the back of his throat and swallows. The orgasm crashes through me, pulsing through my body, and I see stars. He milks me for everything I have, working my body like his favorite instrument.

When the orgasm subsides, my vision is blurry and I can’t breathe. I rub my eyes to clear my vision, and when I open them, Kolton is sitting on the other end of the couch, staring ahead.

“Don’t freak out,” I say.

A few beats, and he turns his head to look at me.

“What’s the point?” he says, getting to his feet. “I no longer have it in me to fight, so I may as well just give in.”

I frown as I get to my feet too and fix my pants.

“I don’t want this just because you’re giving in, Kolton. I want you to want it.”

“That’s the problem, Lucian.” He smiles, but it isn’t a happy one. “I do want it. I’ve always wanted it. I just can’t fucking have it.”

“I’m right here,” I say louder than expected. “I’m here, standing in your fucking living room, Kolton. I’ve begged on my knees. I’ve pleaded with you. What more do I need to do?”

He shakes his head, shrugging a shoulder. “I don’t know,” he admits, sounding defeated. “I wish I did, but I just don’t fucking know.”

I go to him, taking his face between my hands and making him look at me. He doesn’t fight or try to pull away. He just stands there.

“I will do anything for another chance. I promise I won’t fuck it up this time. ”

He blinks a few times, eyes holding mine steadily.

His bottom lip twitches, and it breaks my heart to think about what he’s feeling inside.

All those emotions he won’t let out, the ones he won’t let me help him with.

He suffers alone, but he doesn’t have to.

If he’d just let me in, I could make it all better.

I could tell him that, but letting him know that I know will only make him pull away.

It’s best to let him come to me, and it sucks.

“Can I have a few days to think about it?” he says softly.

“Of course, baby. Of course.” I lean in to kiss his lips.

He doesn’t kiss me back.