Page 37 of Ruin (Hell’s Mayhem MC: Maine Chapter #2)
Chapter Thirty-Six
Kolton
Lucian makes us dinner: chicken alfredo with broccoli. It’s one of my favorite meals, and I wonder if he remembered that or if it just so happened that it’s what he had in the fridge to whip up quickly.
We sit at the breakfast bar to eat, since there isn’t a table in the dining room yet, and the living room furniture is covered in plastic. We eat in silence, sipping the chilled chardonnay. Wine isn’t my typical go-to drink, but he assured me it would go well with the meal and he wasn’t wrong.
Lucian has never steered me in the wrong direction. Not really.
I know he told me that he needed time to get his thoughts together, but it’s difficult not to think about Luke and what happened.
The more time goes by, the more questions I have.
My emotions keep flipping from sad to angry.
He didn’t allow me to be there for him. He took that from me.
I can’t be sure of the details but I can only assume it happened that night. It’s why he didn’t come back.
Why didn’t he just say that?
I don’t blame him for staying with his son, if that’s the case, and had he told me that’s what happened, I wouldn’t have blamed him for his decision. I would have accepted it. I would have waited for him.
When our plates are empty and the bottle of wine gone, we bring our dishes to the sink. Lucian rinses them and puts them in the dishwasher while I lean against the counter and watch. He said he needed time, but how much time? How long can I keep this to myself?
“Come with me,” he says, taking my hand and leading me upstairs to his bedroom. He begins to get undressed and so I do the same. When he crawls onto the bed and gestures for me to follow, I do. He grabs his dick, holding it out in offering.
I get comfortable on the bed, resting my head on his thigh, and take him into my mouth. After a moment of his fingers brushing through my hair, my eyes fall closed.
Nothing has ever felt as peaceful as this and I can’t even remember how we figured out we both not only liked it, but needed it.
There’s a connection here, something that bonds us together on an emotional level that isn’t as physical as sex.
It’s also less strenuous and calming in an entirely different way. It’s intimacy at its finest.
“There are a lot of things I regret in life. It’s easy to decide whether you regret something or not. Either you do or you don’t. For me, I go back and forth on that night, unsure if what I did was right or if I should have done something different.”
I lay my hand on his other thigh as I continue to listen.
“After I left you, I went back to my hotel and gathered my things. I was going to take the trip to Boston to pack more, make sure all my affairs were in order, then I would drive back here to get you. I was ten minutes from my place when I got the call. Those words… they still haunt me.” He pauses, taking a slow, shaky breath.
“’ Your son has been in an accident. You need to come to the hospital right away .
’ I’m sure there was more to the conversation, but that’s all I remember.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t remember any of it. ”
I hook my arm around his thigh, hugging his leg closer to me. He continues to brush his fingers through my hair, as I keep his cock warm in my mouth.
“When I got there, I knew it was bad. Most people think the worst, but as a doctor who has seen this too many times, I knew what I was walking into. Beth was there already. Devastated, of course. Luke was still in surgery. He’d stay that way for seven hours and twenty-two minutes.
It felt like an eternity. Beth and I hardly spoke to each other, and I had never felt so lonely in my entire life. ”
He pauses again before saying, “I thought of calling you so many times, but I just… couldn’t. Still to this day, I don’t know what it was that stopped me. Maybe I didn’t want to worry you, burden you, I don’t know. I just knew I had to be there for my son. ”
I release his dick from my mouth and look up at him. “I would have understood.”
He smiles sadly at me. “I know, sweet boy. I know you would have. At least, I know that now.”
He urges his dick back toward my mouth, so I take it again.
“When he came out of surgery, he went straight to the ICU. No one knew what would happen. It was a waiting game. He coded a few times. Doctors brought him back. Then he seemed to stabilize. Only… he wasn’t responding to tests the way he should.
I’ll never forget the moment they said it.
The exact moment the doctor told me my son was brain dead.
Everything around me came crashing down.
I felt hot and cold all at the same time.
Sick to my stomach. I couldn’t think about anything, but I felt it all.
It was like all the pain of everyone in that hospital was sucked right into my body at that very second.
Surely it shouldn’t hurt so much, right?
Of course, it hurts, but that pain was…” He sighs. “It was debilitating.”
I shift my arms higher to go around his waist to feel as if I’m hugging him more.
“I’d said those words to so many parents in my years as a doctor. They teach you to be clear and precise. I saw hurt in those parents eyes so many times, and not for a second did I understand the pain they were feeling. Not until that night.”
He pauses, just taking a few breaths, gathering his thoughts and thinking on his words.
“We stayed at the hospital for a few days. Beth was in denial for a long time, and maybe that’s why it hurt me so much more.
I knew what this meant, medically, but she couldn’t comprehend it.
She hadn’t seen it before. Days went by in a fog.
Before I knew it, Luke was moved to another facility because the hospital wouldn’t keep him and we couldn’t let go.
It was then that it really hit her, and I knew…
I just knew that I couldn’t leave her alone.
Even if our marriage was shit and even if I was miserable, she deserved something good after what happened to Luke.
I tried to be that for her, but I failed.
Every day was a battle. We grew to hate each other. Maybe I should have tried harder.”
His hand comes down under my chin, and he raises it up so that I can look at him. His dick slips from my mouth, and I go to him so he can kiss me. I rest my head on his chest, and he circles his arms around me.
“I thought of you every single day. I wondered what you were doing and if I should go to you, but I wasn’t strong enough to do it.
After losing Luke, I couldn’t let her lose me, too.
After a while, I felt like it’s just what was meant for me.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to be happy. Obviously, it was depression, but I didn’t see it that way at the time.
It was Beth who called me out on it. Beth who took the initiative to get me help.
Maybe that’s why I was meant to stay with her for so long, I’m not sure. ”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? When you first got here?” I ask, running my fingers through the hair on his chest.
“It’s not that I wanted you to feel the pain of Luke’s loss, but I knew if I told you this in the beginning, you’d think it was an excuse. I didn’t want my son’s death to be an excuse.”
I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m sorry. ”
He kisses my forehead. “You have no reason to be sorry.”
“I shouldn’t be that type of person. I shouldn’t be so angry and selfish. I should have been able to get that news and not make it about me.”
“You wouldn’t be you if you did, Kolton. I’m not angry about it. I love you exactly how you are.”
“Even though I give you a hard time?”
“ Because you give me a hard time.” He smiles, and so do I.
It’s quiet for a long time, just the sound of our breathing until I say, “I’m sorry about Luke.”
“Me too,” he whispers. “And I’m sorry for everything that happened after it, too.”
I can’t tell him it’s okay, because it’s not. But I can give him something.
“I understand why you did it.”
“Do you?” he asks.
“Yes. That doesn’t mean I’m okay with it or don’t wish things could be different, but I get it.”
I run my hand down his chest, over his stomach and back up.
I so badly want to open up to him and tell him about my father and my brother and everything else, but I don’t want to take away from this moment.
Like he said, it’s about Luke. We weren’t close, but we were almost like family.
He deserves a moment. So, I keep my mouth shut because there will be another opportunity to have that conversation.
Instead, I lean up to kiss Lucian. That’s when my phone rings, and I know something is wrong.