Page 44 of Ruin (Hell’s Mayhem MC: Maine Chapter #2)

Chapter Forty-Three

Kolton

“Community Day was a success. Not only did we strengthen our relationship with the community, I had a few people ask about joining the club.”

I feel Grizz’s eyes on me, but I keep mine on Prez. I won’t give away that we were talking about this. Don’t need to be in trouble over stupid shit that we can’t change.

Well, we could change it. We could get rid of him.

“We already have a prospect,” Shark says.

“We can have more than one.”

“But why would we do that?” Shark asks.

“To grow the club,” Prez says.

“That’s not what our fathers and grandfathers wanted,” Rhino grits out.

The future of this club is a touchy subject for Rhino.

Out of all of us, he was the closest with his dad and is hung on keeping the club the way they wanted it.

His father was with Coyote’s father when they died, and Rhino has some resentment about that, so his feelings toward Coyote are complicated.

If anyone should have been Prez, it probably should have been him.

It seems that no one is happy with how things are going, but no one will speak up, and I’m not sure why.

There’s the chance whoever spoke up would be outcast because everyone else would side with Coyote just to stay loyal to the club and the fact you don’t disrespect the Prez, which is bullshit since he is the outsider here.

It’s a risk no one, at this time, wants to take.

But I’m getting close. I don’t really give a fuck about this club.

Why should I? All I am is a bitch boy to Coyote.

He treats me like his secretary. And though that is a big part of my job as the treasurer, it’s not what I am.

And at the end of the day, no matter what my role is, I should be treated with respect and that fucker doesn’t respect anyone.

“I don’t see any of them sitting at this table, do you, Rhino?” Coyote asks in a tone that would have any one of us slapping him across the face if he were someone different.

The tension in the room goes up, and I think we’re all waiting for Rhino to lose his shit. I wonder who would have his back, who would sit still, and who would stand up for Coyote.

I’d have his back, and in turn, Kaison would too. Then maybe Grizz. That’s basically half the club.

It’s quiet for a long moment before Coyote speaks again.

“We’ll hold another Community Day in a few months.”

“It’s going to be cold,” I say .

“We have a charity event in a few months,” he says, as if that’s the same thing.

“That was approved to be in the school gym. We won’t be outside in the cold weather.”

“So then do that.”

“I can’t talk the school into letting us use their facilities so you can scout new members.”

Coyote raises a brow. “How will they know that’s what we’re doing?”

“We?” I blurt out.

“Snapper,” my brother says in warning.

I bite my tongue and wait for Coyote to say something.

Yeah, I’m real close to being done with this guy.

“No one needs to know this is anything more than us strengthening this community. It’s about time we get more people on our side anyway.”

“Plenty of people are on our side,” Grizz says.

“Plenty isn’t enough,” Coyote answers. “This town isn’t getting any smaller, and the Iron Runners aren’t backing off. We need more people.” He turns his attention to me. “What about that guy you were talking to? I hear he’s a doctor.”

“No fucking way,” I bark out the same time my brother says, “Lucian?”

“We could use a doctor,” Coyote argues.

“There’s no fucking way,” I say with a shake of my head. “That’s an absurd request.”

“Why? He’d be helpful. ”

“Lucian is not the kind of guy who joins an MC,” Shark says.

“And why not?” Coyote has the audacity to look offended, as if my brother asked a stupid question. There are people who join MCs and there are people who don’t. There is no in between. It takes a certain type of person to do the shit we do, and Lucian is not that person.

“He’s old,” my brother blurts out, and though it sounds like a legit concern, I think it’s just an excuse. Doesn’t stop me from glaring at him though.

“So we don’t have to worry about him being around for long if he doesn’t work out.”

I’m on my feet before I think better of it, but my brother is there grabbing my arms and holding me back. Coyote smirks at me from across the table, but instead of lunging at him like I was about to, I shake Kaison off and storm out of the room. I go right for my bike and ride.

I climb up the metal rungs, hoisting myself to the top of the slide because the last three are broken. This would have been easier when I was a kid and smaller .

My ass fits on the top of the slide, the sides hugging me. If I went down, I wouldn’t go very fast because my hips are too wide.

There’s a chill in the air, and I bet I look like a fool sitting here on top of this children’s slide that will likely crumble beneath my weight.

No one comes to this park anymore. They haven’t in years. There are bigger and better ones at the school and the edge of the town by the lake. That’s where all the families take their kids, as they should.

Kids deserve good things, not this piece of shit park that no one cares about. No one but me, it seems. It’s been my safe place for a long time, even if coming here dug up bad memories.

Even after Lucian left and I hated every single memory I had here, it was the place I came when I needed to hide.

I silenced my phone and left it on my bike.

I bet it’s been ringing nonstop. No one will know to find me here, not that I think anyone would come looking, anyway.

My brother maybe, but he knows to leave me alone when I get like this.

Still, he’s been caring more lately, ever since he started dating Cora.

Seems she’s softened him, and I guess I can’t blame him for that.

We’re not getting any younger, and we’re at the point we need to do something with our lives. I hate everything about mine, so what is stopping me from changing it?

Not getting what I want.

I’ve known what I wanted since I was sixteen years old. A lot of teenagers think they have their life figured out, but I knew what I wanted. It was always Lucian. Nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter where we were or where we lived, I just wanted to be with him.

There are a lot of confusing feelings when it comes to him.

At first, it was just a crush. Daddy issues, obviously.

But they didn’t go away. They evolved and changed into actual feelings.

And when he reciprocated, when he gave me things I didn’t think were possible, those feelings became even stronger.

I’ve pushed them away for so long because not having what I wanted hurt.

Now that I know why he left, I don’t feel any better.

It changes things a little, I guess, but not really.

He still had a choice, and he chose someone other than me.

Had he chosen his son and not his wife, maybe my thoughts would be different.

No, I know they would be. Lucian wouldn’t be the man I love if he didn’t put his kid first. But none of that was for Luke.

It was all for Beth. He was worried about how she felt.

She’d just lost her son, how could she lose her husband? But what about what I lost?

I thought I could get over our past and what happened between us, but I’m not so sure. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood and shouldn’t be thinking about it right now.

The problem is, I feel like a second choice when it comes to Lucian. Like he only came back to me when he had nothing left. I don’t like feeling like that. Is it something I can get over? Something I can look past? Something we can work through? I don’t know .

It’s easy to forget when I’m with him. Not just the stuff with us, but everything. It’s one of the things I like best about being around him. He makes me forget all the bad shit, and I’m just happy. But does that matter if it isn’t real?

I look up at the blue sky stuffed with fluffy clouds.

It’s a beautiful day. I never liked the summer or the heat.

Right about now is when it’s perfect. The sun is warm, but the cool breeze is enough to not overheat you.

I can’t remember the last time I sat outside and enjoyed nature.

Can’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything that wasn’t Lucian, honestly.

I’ve been miserable since he left, and I know it isn’t healthy to base my happiness around someone else.

Look what it’s done to me? But how do I find happiness on my own? What do I have to offer myself?

I feel like I don’t know myself at all. Other than Lucian making me forget, what makes me happy?

Sitting here is nice. The clear sky is nice. Drinking is also nice, but may be better if I did it at appropriate times and not as another way to cope with my problems.

I’ve spent many late nights looking up how to deal with all the shit going on with my head and everything leads back to one thing.

A therapist. We don’t have one in this small town, and even if we did, I wouldn’t trust them.

Everyone knows everyone’s business in Pinehaven, but I don’t think therapy would help me, anyway.

My issues stem from a mindset, not just my trauma.

If I want to get over it, I need to want to get over it.

All I’ve done lately is wallow and live in misery over the past and things I can’t change.

I chose to do that. I haven’t taken the initiative to make myself happy.

I have control over my own life and what I do. So why am I allowing myself to be like this? That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?