Page 29 of Ruin (Hell’s Mayhem MC: Maine Chapter #2)
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Kolton
“This payment is for your silence, you understand that, right?” I ask.
“Understood,” Razor says with a nod. “I respect what you’re doing.”
“I’ll be in touch when I have more info.” I hand him the bag that’s stuffed with five thousand dollars. I’d anticipated having to give him more, but he’s sympathetic to my situation since his girl just had a baby—his first.
“You know where to find me.”
I walk back through the darkness of the trees and to my car just on the other side.
Doing this shit behind Prez’s back could really fuck me, but what other choice do I have?
He’s being a prick about the situation and won’t listen.
This is his fault. I will not put a child at risk, due to his being a fucking idiot, but I won’t lie and say this doesn’t make me a little nervous .
It’s clear we all have our issues with Coyote.
But it’s also clear that everyone is still choosing the club.
If Coyote finds out about this, I’m not sure anyone would be on my side.
Maybe my brother. Likely, I guess, but that’s it.
No one has ever been expelled from the HMMC before.
We haven’t been around long enough, and we aren’t all that big to have dealt with someone like that.
The only people who left did it because they died.
Do I want to go down in HMMC history for being the first?
Fucking no I don’t. But I’ve always known this club isn’t my life, so maybe it won’t be so bad.
When I get to my car, I tug open the door and get in.
“How did it go?” Lucian asks.
I shut the door and sit there for a moment, staring out the windshield into the dark. The internal light turns off, bathing us in complete darkness. I turn to face him, and even though I can’t see him, I swear I can make out each line of his face.
Taking him here was a bad idea. Being in cars in dark, desolate places is kind of our thing, I guess. It’s almost like my body knows this on a deeper level, because it reacts without my permission. My hands fist in my lap as my urge to reach for him grows.
He’s no longer with his wife, so could this really be that bad?
Is fighting it worth it? It takes so much out of me all the damn time.
Maybe giving in and having something good for a while could be okay.
Maybe we weren’t meant to work then, but why couldn’t we work now?
There’s nothing in the way. Nothing stopping us .
“Why did you split up?” I ask.
“Things had been rough for a long time. We never should have gotten married in the first place.”
“Who decided?”
“It was mutual.”
My eyes fall closed, and I let the pain of those three words wash over me.
It was mutual.
“Meaning you didn’t decide it was time to leave her? Meaning if she hadn’t said something, neither would you.”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
I huff out a humorless laugh. “Yeah. It always is, isn’t it, Lucian?”
“You don’t understand—”
“Don’t give me that shit!” I slam my hand onto the console, pretty sure I cracked it. “I’m not a child.”
“That isn’t what I was going to say.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say, reaching for the button to start the truck.
When the engine roars to life, the lights come on. I reach to shift into Drive, but Lucian grabs my arm.
“All those times before, when I said you wouldn’t understand, I should have tried to help you understand. I shouldn’t have brushed it off, but I was a coward. This is different, Kolton.”
“Why should I believe you?”
“Because it’s the truth. ”
“And you promised me the truth then, too!”
“I never lied to you.”
“Are you fucking kidding?” I bark. “You left me waiting like a fucking idiot!”
“You won’t un—”
“Say I won’t understand again and I swear to fucking God I will leave you here for the bears!”
It’s silent for a few moments, nothing but the engine and the bugs chirping.
“I want you to understand. I want to tell you everything, but I’m not ready for that yet.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
Anger is a familiar feeling to me, but this? This is so much more. This is rage and hurt mixed together, making a toxic emotion that I can’t handle.
“It means a lot has changed in my life, and though I want you to be a part of it, I can’t open myself up to you on the off chance you come back to me.”
“So I don’t get info unless I give in?”
“I’d choose better words, but sure.”
“Then I guess I’ll never know.”
I get out of my truck when I pull up to my house and move toward the door.
“Kolton!” Lucian calls, but I keep going. I’m done with him, with this.
Every time I consider giving him a chance, he reminds me why I shouldn’t.
He’ll never be able to give me all of him, even if he isn’t with his wife anymore. I should have known it wouldn’t change just because of that.
“Kolton, damn it,” he shouts, jogging after me. He manages to get in front of me, stopping just before I reach the door.
“How is it fair of you to ask me to trust you if you don’t do the same?” he asks.
“Because I waited for you!” I shout in his face. “I wasn’t the one who left you , Lucian. If anyone has something to prove, it’s you. I proved my trust for you years ago, and I shouldn’t be made to do it again, all because you’ve suddenly figured your life out.”
“My life is far from figured out, Kolton.”
I step so close to him he backs up against the house. “I will not destroy myself for you again, Lucian. I still haven’t put all the pieces back together.”
His eyes find mine, holding my furious gaze in challenge. “One of us has to give in.”
I nod slowly. “Yeah. But it sure as fuck isn’t going to be me.”
“Why are we even fighting over this?” he asks. “We both want this, why can’t we just have it?”
“Because I don’t trust you not to ruin me again.”
“How can I prove it to you?” he asks desperately.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “And honestly? I wouldn’t tell you if I did. Giving you the key to my destruction would be stupid.”
“I’m not leaving you again. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, and I want this.” He steps closer, gripping onto my shirt. “I need you, Kolton. Don’t make me beg.”
“Maybe I want you to.” I hold my chin high, looking down at him.
“If you told me getting on my knees, right this very moment, and begging for you to come back to me would make you do it, then I would,” he grits out.
He’s frantic. The desperation in his eyes is different this time. I think he finally gets it. I think he finally understands that I won’t go back so easily—that there is a chance I won’t go back at all.
I raise a brow as I take a step to the side and hold my arms open. “Do it,” I say in challenge.
He doesn’t hesitate to drop to his knees in front of me. My heart beats a little harder.
“Please,” is all he says as he looks up at me.
I want to shove my jeans down and make him choke on my dick.
I want to hold his head in place while I fuck his mouth so hard he won’t be able to swallow.
I want to take out my nine years of anger on him, right here, right now, on my front porch.
I want him to hurt the way he hurt me. I want him to feel every ache and pain that I’ve felt over the last nine years, all at once.
I want it to knock him on his ass so hard he won’t be able to get up for days.
Fucking him won’t make him feel a damn thing, but I know what will.
I stare down at him, and the words leave my mouth too easily.
“You beg like a bitch.”
I step around him, pull my key from my pocket and unlock the door to head inside.
I close and lock it behind me, then press my back to it and suck in a sharp breath.
I’m not sure how long it is before I hear his car start and take off down the driveway.
My chest aches over what I said to him, and I haven’t regretted something that badly in a long time.
I don’t like hurting him. In fact, I fucking hate it. I don’t want to see him hurt, and I certainly don’t want to be the one doing it. But if he comes back after this, if he still tries, maybe that means something.
I need to take another shower, but first I need to let Grizz know he can stop babysitting and go home. I get my shoes off before heading into my living room, only to stop short when I see the two of them cuddled on the couch together, asleep.
I scrub a hand down my face, not wanting to deal with this. So I quickly strip out of my jeans and shirt, then hurry up to my bedroom and shower there. I don’t like it, but the cleaning will have to wait until tomorrow because they’re still in my house.