Page 23 of Ruin (Hell’s Mayhem MC: Maine Chapter #2)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Kolton

Realizing this is the first time Lucian has cooked me a meal shouldn’t hurt.

It should not fucking hurt in any way, but as I sit at the table, staring down at my empty plate, it’s all I can think about it.

We could have had years of this.

Of him bringing home groceries. Of us putting them away. Of him cooking dinner. Of us sitting down and eating a meal together.

This could have been our life.

And he fucking ruined it.

I stare at the glass of wine he poured for me. I haven’t touched it. I’m afraid to.

I know how I get when alcohol is involved. Lucian in my house, with me drinking? Only bad things can come from that.

The glass taunts me, sitting there untouched. Alcohol does make me forget though, and forgetting is good .

Despite him being here, the thought of feeling better, of forgetting, is tempting. I feel nothing when I drink. My mind is quiet. It doesn’t think. It just… goes blank. The only other thing in the world that did that was him.

I almost want to laugh. The two things that I’ve found to fix me are here, in the same room, and I’m choosing neither.

A glutton for pain, I suppose. Maybe I’m just stubborn.

“Are you finished?”

I blink and look up at Lucian standing beside me, his hand halfway to my empty plate. I nod. He takes it. He reaches for the wine too, but I snatch it before he can. He says nothing as he walks over to the sink to wash the dishes. I let him do so without argument. I’ll rewash them later.

Anastacia has already gone up to her room. She ate quickly, left her dirty dishes in the sink as told by Lucian, then went to sleep.

I can’t believe I have a roommate. Someone living in my house that I need to take care of, and all by myself.

It’s clear by what Coyote said that I won’t get any help from the club.

Maybe Kaison will help, but the others won’t.

They won’t go against the club for this.

Not when it’s nothing important to them.

Hell, I don’t even know why it’s important to me.

There are a million women out there in her same position, and we can’t save them all.

But if I can save one…

Lucian takes his seat at the table, a full glass of wine in his hand .

I take the first sip of mine, and I know I won’t be able to stop now. Not only is it good, but the taste triggers my brain.

This helps. You’ll feel better. Keep going.

It already knows. It’s all I need to feel better, if only for a short time. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe I’m an alcoholic. But who the fuck cares? I sure as hell don’t.

What’s the difference between self-medicating with alcohol, or self-medicating with a married man almost twice my age who’s destined to destroy me? Absolutely nothing.

I finish my glass of wine in the silence of my house. Lucian gets the bottle from the kitchen and comes back with it, refreshing my glass wordlessly, then leaving the bottle in the middle of the table. There’s enough for another glass, but just one. Knowing him, he’ll give it to me.

That’s the thing about Lucian Carter. He’s always pretending to be selfless when really, he’s the most selfish person I know.

“How have you been?”

I turn my gaze to him. “Are you serious right now?”

He shrugs, bringing the glass to his lips. All too quickly, I’m assaulted with memories of how he tasted. Of how soft his lips are. The way they felt not only on mine, but along my stomach, my back, my ribs, my neck… my dick.

“I’m trying to be nice,” he says, putting his wine glass down and folding his hands together to rest on the table.

“Nice?” I scoff. “I don’t want you to be nice.”

“Then what do you want me to be, Kolton? ”

His voice is too kind, too soft, too… it’s just too fucking much.

I get up from the table and go into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I rest my head against it and pull in shaky breath after shaky breath.

I need to tell him to leave. I need him out of my house. I can’t have him here. It’s fucking me up. It’s unearthing things I don’t want to fucking feel.

The problem is, I do want to feel them. I want him too much because I remember what it’s like to be his. How can I so easily throw away the years of pain, just because he’s standing right in front of my face again? It’s pathetic. I’m fucking pathetic. Weak, too.

I miss him so much it hurts, even after all these years and seeing him like this is too much. I know better than to give into him, but he’s too tempting to ignore. He has to leave.

I tear the door open and storm back into the dining room.

“I need you to leave,” I growl.

“Okay,” he says and gets to his feet.

My heart is pounding, my chest heaving, my voice oddly calm.

“I can’t do this with you, Lucian,” I say, though I don’t know why I’m saying it. He said okay. He is leaving. I can shut my mouth and leave it alone. “I can’t have you here,” I add. And of course, he just looks at me with that fucking look that makes me even weaker than I already am.

“I’m just trying to help. ”

“Well, you’re not helping,” I hiss. “You’re… fucking with my head.”

“That isn’t my intention.”

“It wasn’t your intention to break my fucking heart, yet you did that too!”

My hands ball into fists at my sides, and it takes everything in me not to lose it completely. The only thing stopping me is the pregnant girl upstairs. I don’t want to scare her. She doesn’t know me, and the last thing she needs is another big man yelling.

“You’re right.” He moves closer to me. I should step away, but I don’t move.

I can’t. “I did do that, and I’m sorry. I broke your heart, Kolton, and I can’t begin to express how sorry I am for it.

But you know what?” I grit my teeth and swallow hard.

“I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to put it back together because that’s what you deserve. ”

I squeeze my eyes shut, something close to a whimper leaving me. A moment later, the door opens and closes, but even with him gone, I still can’t fucking breathe.