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Lucas

Xander is silent while we get ready for bed. I watch him as he tensely undresses and walks over to the hamper to drop his clothes in instead of throwing them from across the room.

It’s something I’ve always appreciated about him. Even when he’s angry, he makes sure I know he’ll never, ever be a threat to me. Ever.

As I pull my shirt over my head, I ask, “What’s wrong?”

“You really have to ask?”

“Yes?”

He’s facing away from me, and the large phoenix covering his back is on full display. I was with him when he got it on his eighteenth birthday. It was a commemoration of his rebirth out of Christianity. He wanted the physical reminder for the days when the guilt and shame were too strong.

“You told Haven you loved her,” Xander says quietly.

I narrow my eyes at him. “You have a problem with me developing feelings for her?”

“I have a problem with you treating her better than you treat me.” He turns, and the hurt on his face stings. “What the hell, Luc? You’ve never said that to me. Not even once. Why does she get that from you, but I don’t?”

“Because she needed to hear it. She deserved to hear it.”

Because I want it to be true. My feelings for Haven aren’t up for question. They’re undeniable. It’s my views around love that are the problem. I want love to be something I can hold on to—something that won’t fail me—but I don’t trust it.

Xander’s expressions hardens, and he looks away. “Right. But I don’t deserve it.”

“What? Fucking—Xan, you know that’s not what I meant.” I stalk toward him. “Don’t—”

“It’s exactly what you meant,” he snaps.

“Well, you’ve never said it to me, so don’t go pointing fing—”

“Yes, I have!” His fists are clenched at his sides, and the hurt roiling in his eyes catches me off guard. This is an old wound, one that’s been festering for years, and somehow I missed it. “I told you. Junior year of high school, I fucking told you—literally said the words I love you. It took me months to find the courage, months to fight through the confusion, the fear, the shame. I told you, and you said nothing.”

“N…” I have to catch my breath as I stare at him in shock. “I said… nothing?”

“You kissed me on the cheek,” he says quietly. Angrily. “We were stargazing, out in old man Miller’s field. I… I know I shouldn’t have said it with the expectation for you to say it back, but so what if I did? Why don’t you think I need it? Why don’t you think I deserve it?”

The memory slams into me, as crisp as a new dollar bill. He told me, and all I could think about was my father. I thought the kiss would be enough. Thought Xander would understand.

My world comes crashing down as I realize that was never the case.

“You… you do. Xan, I’m sorry. I—”

When I reach for him, he shies away from me. “Don’t. Just fucking don’t, Lucas. You don’t mean it, and I at least deserve better than you lying to me.”

Xander spins around on his heels, and I’ve never felt pain so strong, so potent. I grab him, and when he tries to break free from my grasp, I clamp down on his shoulders and force him to face me.

“What you and I have is more than love.” I shake him, needing him to understand. “Love fails. And you—” My voice cracks at the hurt still shining in his eyes. “Xander, you have never failed me.”

His chest is heaving, and he’s looking up at me like he doesn’t know what to think. He’s processing, putting the puzzle pieces that I’m desperately shoving at him together. But he’s quiet, and I need him to say something. Anything.

“Xan—”

“How was I supposed to know that?” he asks, but the anger is already bleeding out of him. He hates it when there’s something between us. We both do.

“Because I showed you. I’ve done my best to never fail you. To be what you’ve been for me. I know I’m not the greatest—”

“You haven’t.” He shakes his head frantically, and I’m not sure if his worried expression is better or worse than his pain.

My heart crumbles into a million pieces. “Haven’t… haven’t tried?”

“You’ve never failed me. I—”

“Obviously, that’s not true,” I grit out.

“No, just…” He lets out a frustrated breath. “You’re right, I’m sorry. You’ve shown me how much you love me every goddamn day. You dragged me out of the hell Mom forced me into, and you continue to do so whenever I get lost in there again. You… you’re always there when I need you, and even when I don’t.”

Relief mixes with the remaining guilt as I watch Xander’s eyes soften toward me. This is just like him—just like both of us. The moment we can find a reason to let go of our anger toward the other, we do. Neither of us wants to hold grudges. We just want each other, goddammit.

“Maybe there are different kinds of love,” Xander says quietly, “and maybe we have the kind that doesn’t fail.”

“You think so?”

“Look at us, Luc.” He takes both my hands in his. “Look at all we’ve been through together, and it’s only made us stronger—stronger together.”

“Then…” I swallow hard and lock my eyes on his. “Then I love you, Xander Eldridge, and I will until the day I die. Hell, even after that.”

His eyes water. “I love you, too.”

We both stare at each other for a second before Xander yanks me into him. His arms lock around me, and we both breathe out sighs of relief.

We’re okay. We’ll always be okay.

Xander is right. There’s nothing that can tear us apart. No matter what bullshit life throws at us, it’ll only push us closer together.