Page 33

Lucas

My day is a blur of classes and practice. When I get home, Haven is doing homework at the kitchen counter. She looks up when I walk in, and we both stare at each other in silence for a few seconds.

Haven seemed fine at breakfast, but I can’t get the sound of her haunting sobs out of my mind. The stupid, lovesick eighteen-year-old in me wants to ask if she’s okay, but I’ve shown enough of my softer feelings toward her lately.

So I shoulder my gym bag and brush past her, catching a whiff of lilacs that makes my lungs burn. I scrub it off me in the shower, and when I’m out and dressed, I find Colton and Xander in the loft.

Colton’s house is great. It’s huge, it has everything a person could ever dream of wanting, and the dark aesthetic fits Colton’s personality. But sometimes, it feels like the place is so big that it’s going to swallow me whole.

The loft is different, though. It’s a much smaller area than the living room, and I appreciate that this is where Colton keeps all his gaming equipment. It still follows the same dark aesthetic, but I can relax up here. I can sit on the couch and have my back to the wall while still having the stairs that lead downstairs in view.

It’s stupid—no one here is going to hurt me. But being on full alert all the time is a habit of mine that’s so old, it’s an inherent part of me. I can’t help it.

Xander and Colton are having a quiet conversation, and I don’t like the grim looks on their faces. That, without a doubt, means trouble.

I plop onto the cushion next to Xander. “What’s going on?”

“Did you know Wesley, Kellan, and Cal are in the Rooks?” Colton asks.

“What? How the hell did they get in?”

“That’s not even the most shocking thing,” Xander says. “Colt, what was it your informant told you?”

“Athelia Harper moved in with them.”

“Why the hell would she do that?” I sputter.

“Why would Haven move in with us?” Colton counters.

“We’re protecting her! Athelia isn’t in the same position.”

Xander shrugs. “Maybe Isaiah threatened her, and she got spooked?”

“Maybe,” I say, glancing at Colton. “Is that all? It looks like something else is bugging you.”

“My dad wants to move the wedding to before graduation.”

My jaw drops. “I thought you told him you weren’t marrying Delilah.”

“Of course I did,” Colton bites out. “But when has Mark Heverly ever taken no for an answer?”

“Fair point,” I say. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m not marrying Delilah, that’s for sure.” He sits back in his armchair, gripping the closed book in his hands. “I’d rather kill her. I will kill her if that’s the only option I end up with.”

Before Colton was even ten years old, his father had already decided who he was going to marry. I didn’t understand it until my mom married Greg, but in the world of the super-rich, reputation and power are everything. They’re what bring you money—and the connections to make more money.

That means marriage is more of a strategic move than something done for love. Marrying into the right family means more power, more connections, more money. Marrying into the wrong family, however, could seriously hold you back.

That’s why Mark hand-selected Delilah. The Elsher family has their hands in just about every industry you can think of. They’re one of those families who own and run the country out of most of the public’s eye. Half of the brands you look at when you’re in a grocery store, a clothing store, hell, anywhere, are probably owned by one of the Elsher’s corporations.

They’re a family with a lot of power, and from what Colton has told me, they wield it well. They’re exactly the type of people Mark wants permanent ties to.

“My father has always expected blind loyalty and obedience without question.” Working his jaw, Colton traces a finger down the spine of his book. The movement is slow, calculated. “I’ve never given it.”

“What are you saying?” Xander asks.

But I already know. I’ve been in this position. Not that my father was ever a rich businessman, but he had a way of cornering me into doing whatever he wanted. I cared too much about protecting Rora and Mom, and he held that over my head at every chance he could get.

“He’s going to find some way to force your hand,” I say.

Colton nods, and my fingers curl into fists, my nails digging into my palms. Colton is strong. It could be argued that he doesn’t need my protection. But no one fucks with my friends—my family— even when I’m pissed off at them.

For as long as I’ve known Colton, his dad has caused one problem after another. He’s driven by nothing but greed and a lust for power, even if it means neglecting and manipulating his family. Because to him, family just means more pawns to use to get his way and expand his businesses—both legitimate and illegal.

Xander gently touches the back of my hand, and I realize I’m clenching my fists too hard. I relax my fingers, keeping my palms downturned. With how tense I am, I probably broke the skin, and it’ll upset Xander if he sees.

“Whatever it is, I’ll find a way to combat it.” Colton sets the book on the end table next to the tall, black armchair he’s seated in. “I’m not marrying that fucking—”

The abrupt silence takes me by surprise, but when Colton’s eyes snap to the stairs, I realize why.

Xander and I follow his gaze just as Haven gets to the last few steps. She’s in leggings and one of my old T-shirts from high school. Xander stole it years ago. It’s always been too big on him, and on Haven, it’s a fucking dress.

“Where did you get that?” I demand, not sure whether I’m pissed that she’s in one of my shirts or relieved Xander gave her something warmer to wear.

“I gave it to her,” Xander says. “Wanted her to be more comfortable.”

“What did you hear?” Colton asks, voice hard.

Nervously, Haven clutches the hem of her shirt. “Um…”

“How much, doll?” Xander asks.

“Everything,” she admits timidly.

“You shouldn’t have been listening,” Colton snaps.

“I was in the kitchen! Everything is open downstairs. You know how sound carries through the house.”

“Still, you shouldn’t have—”

“Colt,” Xander says in a warning tone. “It’s not her fault we forgot she was downstairs.”

“Why does your dad want you to marry Delilah?” Haven asks.

“None of your goddamn business,” Colton grinds out. “Are you done with your homework?”

“Y-yeah.”

He nods to the free spot on the couch. “Then sit. Xander said we need to talk.”

She does, keeping as much distance between me and her as she can.

“Tell them what you told me last night, doll,” Xander says.

An unpleasant feeling zaps through me. Xander talked to Haven last night and didn’t tell me about it? What the fuck? We tell each other everything.

“I want to make a change to our deal,” Haven starts out hesitantly. “I don’t want to change a lot, just… make things a little more consensual. And… a bit less consensual.”

Colton looks as confused as I feel. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“What if—” Haven’s voice falters, and she takes a deep, steadying breath. “What if you’re right? What if I need to be forced?”

At that, Colton’s face goes blank. She caught him off guard. Hell, she caught me off guard, too, because what the fuck? This is the worst idea in the history of worst ideas.

“I need more details,” Colton says, his voice unexpectedly soft. He’s watching Haven with more concern than anything else. “This is… this is a lot, angel. We need more details.”

“No.” Arms crossed, I shoot him a hard look. “After yesterday, there’s no way we’re even considering this. We’re not re-creating the scenario that made her want to kill herself.”

“I don’t see the harm in hearing her out.”

“Yeah, just like you didn’t see the harm in torturing and assaulting her.”

“This is different. It’s worth listening to what she has to say.”

“Not when you—”

“Stop,” Haven shouts. She’s standing with her fists clenched at her sides, and her cheeks are tinged pink from frustration. “Just stop it, both of you. This is my decision. Mine. I’m a whole fucking human, and you three are the ones who taught me that.”

The way her voice breaks at the end is as painful as a stab to the gut. Being in such close proximity to her leaves my chest aching. I feel empty. Based on the way Haven has to take a shuddering breath before she can continue, it’s the same for her.

We all miss what we used to be.

“I know what’s best for me.” She casts Colton a pointed glare as she says it. “I know what I can handle. I decide what happens to my body. That power has been taken away from me more times than I can count. Do you really, really want to do the same thing to me?”

“I’m trying to protect you,” I snap. “This isn’t a good idea. You’re only going to end up hurt more.”

She shakes her head. “You’re trying to control me. Let me try this, Lucas.

“What if it pushes you further into a downspiral?” I challenge.

“Then we stop.”

“And if we’re not on board?”

“I don’t need you. Xander already said he’ll do it.”

My eyes snap to his, but he looks away, his expression guilty. Now, I’m not only hurt that he didn’t tell me about this last night, but I’m pissed that he thinks this is okay.

I know his kinks almost better than my own. I know what he fantasizes about on the daily because I do it, too. But a CNC dynamic is something you should have with people you trust, and Xander knows that.

“This isn’t you,” I say before I can stop myself. “This isn’t—”

“Just hear her out,” Xander says, eyes pleading.

All I want to do is yell, to rage at him and Colton for going along with this ridiculous idea. But I sit back, arms crossed, and wait for Haven to continue.

“Xan—Xander and I talked about using a safeword. Basically, we’d keep everything the same. You…” She gulps. “You can use me however you want. Degrade me, treat me like I’m nothing but a toy, force me to do whatever you want me to. But now, if I call my safeword, you have to stop. And—and you’re not allowed to punish me when I can’t keep going.”

This is a horrible idea.

“No,” I say. “Just… no. This whole arrangement is bullshit. I never should’ve gone along with it in the first place. We’re not doing this, and I have half a mind to make sure you never touch her again.” I direct the last part at Colton.

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Enough,” Haven says. “Can I talk to Lucas alone, please?”

“What? Why?” I demand.

“Just…” Haven glances at Xander and Colton. “Just give us a minute?”

I shake my head. “Xander stays.”

“All right, fine.”

Colton doesn’t protest. Even with how tense things are, he knows the connection Xander and I have. He leaves, and only once he’s out of earshot does Haven speak.

“Xander says he fantasizes about raping me.”

“Well, he shouldn’t have told you that.”

Xander stays silent, not looking at either of us.

“I know you do, too, Lucas,” Haven says.

I stiffen. “What? Xander, what the fuck? That’s private. You shouldn’t have told her—”

“He didn’t have to,” Haven cuts in quickly.

Oh.

“It’s obvious you all want it,” she continues. “I… I don’t fully understand why, but that’s just how my life has been since I moved to Pemberton. I’ll discover something that doesn’t make sense, then learn more about it, and then everything falls into place. Over and over and over again.”

“This isn’t one of those things,” I say.

“What if it is?”

“It’s not.”

“Why?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Haven. Just look at everything we’ve done to you, even just this past week. Do you really think you can trust Colton to stop when you need him to? And what about me and Xan? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten off to the thought of forcing myself on you. That should terrify you.”

“But I need this.”

“No, you don’t,” I grind out. “Colton got into your head and manipulated you into believing his stupid bullshit.”

“But—”

“Do you trust us?”

Haven frowns. “Lucas—”

“Do you trust us?”

She hesitates before deflating. “No.”

“Good. Because you shouldn’t. You need to know that we’ll stop when you tell us to. And right now, you don’t know that.”

Haven’s eyes go soft, and she stares at me with a mixture of longing and hope on her face.

I don’t like it.

I really, really don’t like it.

“What?” I ask roughly.

“I wish I could,” she whispers. “I wish…”

She doesn’t have to finish the sentence for me to know what she was going to say. Sometimes, I wish things could go back to the way they used to be, too.

Leaning forward, Xander places a hand on my thigh. “Listen, I know yesterday was really hard on Haven, but this is her decision. Yesterday scared you, I get it, but—”

“It didn’t scare me,” I snap.

“Luc,” Xander says gently, and I see every horrifying moment of my childhood reflected in his eyes. “Yes, it did.”

“No, just—” I run a hand through my hair. “Just shut up.”

“What are you talking about?” Haven asks Xander.

“He isn’t here,” Xander tells me. “He isn’t here, and you don’t need to be the one to protect her like that.”

“I’m not…”

But Xander is right. Seeing Haven so broken up yesterday had me reverting to how desperately I tried to protect Mom and Aurora from Dad. My feelings toward Haven might be a tangled mess of hatred and care and lust, but no matter what, I can’t see her get hurt like that again.

“You don’t have to participate if you don’t want to,” Xander says. “No one is trying to pressure you.”

“I’m not worried about myself! You saw what a mess she was.”

“But I’ll have the power to stop him this time,” Haven cuts in. “To stop all of you. The worst part about Colton dragging me into the basement was that I didn’t have any power. It’ll be different this time.”

“Damn right it will be,” I growl. This is obviously happening with or without me, and I need to make sure Haven is safe. I want to hurt her, but not like this. Never like this.

“So you’re in?” Xander asks.

“I’m not trusting Colton with her until he’s regained my trust.”

“Fair enough.” Xander squeezes my thigh. “Thank you.”

“Whatever. I need some air.”

It doesn’t feel like I can take a full breath until I’m outside. Everything feels so wrong. For once, I wish we could’ve forgiven Haven back in freshman year. I wish we’d never hurt her. I wish we’d never stopped protecting her. Then we wouldn’t be in this god-awful decision.

But that’s not the reality we live in, and even though I know I can’t escape it, I start running anyway, hoping maybe I can at least forget for a few minutes.