Page 48

Xander

Christmas break

?

“Xan! You’re home!” Rachel flies into my arms the second I step through the front door of my dad’s house.

“Whoa there, I haven’t even taken my coat off yet.” But I kiss my little sister on the top of her head anyway. God, I’ve missed her.

“Did Lucas come with you?” she asks.

“You know he didn’t, kiddo, but I brought some friends with me. They’ll be inside in a sec.”

She pouts, but I bop her on the nose. “None of that. Not at Christmas.”

“I just wish Luc’s mom never married that evil man.”

With a laugh, I set her down. “He’s not evil. Greg helped the Wilsons out a lot.”

“He’s the reason you left.”

“I left to be with Lucas. And…”

And because I couldn’t stay.

“Let’s just be happy that we’re together right now, okay?” I tell her.

She lets out one of her dramatic sighs. “Okay.”

My dad is hovering a few feet away, smiling. I step around Rachel and right into his arms.

“Missed you,” I whisper.

I’m not one of those guys who pretends not to have feelings. My family means the world to me, minus my mom and her crazy religious bullshit. My dad was the only adult who believed in me when I was a teen. And Rach? She’s only ever seen me as a hero.

I’d do anything for these two.

“Missed you, too, son.” Phil squeezes me, and when we pull away, his eyes are glassy. “Do you need help bringing anything in?”

“Nah, I’ve just got this.” I shrug my backpack off my shoulder. “Packed light.”

It’s a reminder that I’m not staying long, and that Christmas has felt colder ever since Lucas and I had to be hours apart from each other.

“I’m sorry it’s only for a few days,” I say quietly.

Dad shakes his head. “Like you said, let’s just make the best of what we have.”

The front door opens, and we all make room for Colt and Haven as they step inside. Haven’s bag is slung over Colton’s shoulder, along with his own.

“Guys, this is Colt—”

“Ohhhh, she’s so pretty,” Rachel gasps.

Haven’s cheeks are already pink from the cold, but now they turn an even brighter shade. “Thank you.”

I clear my throat. “As I was saying, this is Colton, and this is Haven. They’re some friends from school.”

Rachel jumps right into giving them both hugs. Haven takes it gracefully with a little laugh, but Colton is so stunned that he freezes. It strikes me as oddly comical until I realize I haven’t seen Colton get a proper hug since... since we were still friends with Haven.

Shit. No, it can’t have been that long.

It’s not like his dad would give him one, and him and Haven aren’t really on hugging terms yet. He’s held her, and there have been times when she wrapped herself around him, but it was always out of fear or panic. Never to show him affection.

Why haven’t I ever given him a hug?

“It’s nice to meet you both,” Dad says before doing the same as Rachel.

At that, Colton—Colton fucking Heverly—looks like he’s about to cry. He blinks a few times, his gaze tracking my dad as he moves back and ruffles Rachel’s hair. There’s a look in Colt’s eyes that reminds me of who I was as a kid.

Just a lost little boy desperate for his mother’s attention. Except for Colt, it’s his dad, and just like me, he’ll never get what he needs.

“I’ve got hot chocolate on the stove,” Dad says. “Should be enough for everyone.”

I perk up. “Wait, seriously?”

My dad may not be great at cooking, but he doesn’t mess around when it comes to hot chocolate. If Phil says he has some ready, he means the good stuff. It’s the same recipe I made for Haven after Isaiah found her.

“You think I wouldn’t? I know my kids.”

We shove off our boots and follow him into the kitchen. The house is decked out with tinsel and lights, and the Christmas tree shines in the corner of the living room by the front windows. It feels like home, but without Lucas, it doesn’t at the same time.

And that’s how the next four days feel. I bask in the warmth of Dad’s and Rachel’s laughs. We play games, watch movies, and Rachel bakes—well, burns—some Christmas cookies, and then Haven and Colt make another batch that tastes like a tiny bite of heaven.

On Christmas Eve, we take our normal drive around town to admire everyone’s lights. I point out Lucas’s old house to Colton and Haven, and a few spots we used to hang out, too. The church on Main has its usual wreathes on its windows with candles glowing inside. Dad and I go quiet as we drive past, and when I avert my eyes, he speeds up the car.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at that building without getting nauseous. When I glance over at Haven, she has a grim look on her face, too.

On Christmas, we spend the morning opening presents, and then we hang around in our pajamas until we have to leave for dinner at my Aunt Josie’s. Everyone seems to like Colton—he’s good at charming people—and Rachel clings to Haven all night.

Of course, everyone assumes Haven and Colton are dating, and we don’t correct them. I think it makes them a little uncomfortable, but I also don’t miss the possessive glint in Colton’s eyes every time someone asks him.

A pretty bad storm hits in the middle of our stay, so the day after Christmas, Colton and I get some of the snow off the roof. Dad tries to protest, but I know he’s worried about it, and I don’t like the idea of him doing it by himself.

After we’re done, we make sure to clear the driveway one last time. I didn’t ask Colton to help, but he’s volunteered for everything right alongside me. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t expect it. Luc and I are the closest thing he has to real family.

And… maybe I’m too hopeful, but Haven could get there, too.

. . .

By the time we have to leave for Birchwood, I’m settled in again. I want to stay here forever. I want to wake up to my dad making pancakes and take over for him when I see how tired he is. I want Rachel to fall asleep on me every night and then have to carry her up to bed without waking her. I want to listen to her and Haven giggling over arts and crafts all day.

I want to stay frozen in time.

But the ache I always feel when I’m apart from Lucas has only grown. That’s been the only downside to this Christmas. I just wish he could be here with us.

“You and Lucas doing all right?” Dad asks quietly as I sling my backpack over my shoulder.

“Yeah, we’re fine. He wanted to come, but…”

“Rora?”

I nod.

“Maybe they can both come up next year.”

“Can we fit that many people in the house?” I ask. “That’s six people.”

His eyebrows shoot up. “Oh! You think Colton and Haven will be back next year?”

Right. He doesn’t know that we’re slowly turning into a package deal again. And… well, I’m already building a future in my head that includes Haven forever.

“I guess I don’t know. We’ll see.”

“They’re welcome again, even if Lucas and Rora come, too. We’ll make it work, Xan.”

I hug him tighter than I need to. I just… I wish I’d gotten more time with him and Rachel without Mom around.

“Love you,” we both say at the same time.

We slowly move our bags to the door and put on our boots and coats. Colton and Haven look as reluctant to leave as I do. Over the past four days, I’ve watched Colton’s guard slowly lower further and further until it disappeared entirely. I even saw him laughing with Haven— with, not at.

I wish he could stay like this. He can be an asshole, but half the blame for that lands on his father. Colton’s childhood shaped him into who he is, just as mine did.

“Will I see you before graduation?” Rachel asks with those big puppy dog eyes that keep me wrapped around her finger.

“I hope so, kiddo, but we’ll see. Work and school keep me pretty busy.”

“Pleeeeeease?”

“I’ll try.” Stooping down, I kiss her on the head. “Behave for Dad, all right? And keep up on your chores.”

She rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

Typical response. I can’t even be mad. I was way worse when I was her age.

“I love you.” I pull her into one last hug.

“Love you, too, Xan.” She squeezes me tight. “Will you call me tonight before bed?”

“Of course,” I say, voice thick.

I can physically feel my heart cracking in two as we step out into the cold winter air. Hearing Rachel sniffle right before I close the door almost has me rushing back inside and saying I’ll stay for another day. The only thing that stops me is the ache that comes along with being away from Lucas for any longer than I have to.

“Do you need me to drive?” Colt asks quietly as we walk toward my car.

I hand him the keys as my vision blurs. “I just hate leaving.”

“I’ve got you, Xan. Always will.”

A gloved hand slides into mine, and I blink back tears to find Haven gazing up at me, her eyebrows furrowed with worry.

“I’m all right, doll. It’s hard, that’s all.”

“I know,” she whispers, sounding more broken than I do.

Oh, fuck. This is what? Her fourth Christmas without her family? I didn’t even think about that.

I wrap my arm around her shoulders until we get to the car, squeezing her tight. While Colton gets into the driver’s seat, I open the front door for Haven. I don’t think I’ll be great company, so I might as well sit in the back.

Before climbing in, I turn to face the house one last time. Rachel and Dad are watching from the window, just like always, and I wave. They both wave back, and that’s when the first tear falls.

When I get into the car, Colton and Haven are quiet. I don’t say a word as we pass through town, letting the tears stream down in silence as I watch my childhood pass me by. Once we’re on the highway, drowsiness settles over me. I close my eyes as rock music plays quietly from my earbuds and welcome oblivion as it greets me with open arms.