Page 31

Xander

None of us touch Haven for the rest of the day. Her panic attack waned while she was flogging Colton, and it looks like she’s doing better. I hope Aurora’s meds are working, but even more than that, I hope getting payback on Colton helped her.

He’s one of my best friends. I’ll stick with him until the day I die. But god, sometimes, I want to kill him.

After dinner, Haven disappears, and we let her. Giving her space has proven to be difficult, but we’ve all agreed it’s what she needs. Things are going to have to change—a lot of things.

Colton and Lucas volunteer to do cleanup, so I head upstairs and shower. Between classes and sitting in on as much of Luc’s football practice as I could, I’m tired.

I close my eyes as the hot water falls onto my back. I’m worried. Not just about Haven, but about Lucas, too. After watching his practices for years, I’ve learned a lot about the team’s coach—mostly that he’s an asshole. He reminds me a lot of Lucas’s dad. Always angry and always looking to take it out on someone.

That someone is often Lucas. I don’t think the coach has singled him out, but I do think Lucas is purposefully trying to take the brunt of the abuse. It’s what he did for Rora growing up. For him, it’s not only what he thinks he’s supposed to do, but it’s also habit.

And Colt… well, I’m worried about him, too. Things have been hard lately. We’ve been working ourselves to death trying to get enough proof that Mark is unfit to lead the Glass Rooks. Colton is stressed, and I’m worried he was taking that out on Haven, whether subconsciously or not.

If that’s the case—if he hurt Haven because he needed to blow off some steam—then Lucas is going to lose his shit. Hell, I will, too, and I’ll find some way to protect Haven without having her anywhere near Colton.

I don’t want to think it’s the case. Colton has a lot of control over his emotions. But I’ve watched as things have escalated between him and his father over the years. They’re constantly at odds, and now that Colton is older, I think Mark is beginning to see him as a threat.

With a tired sigh, I place both hands on the shower wall and drop my head. Colton wants to take Mark’s place sooner than later, regardless of what his father wants. The plan is to wait until after graduation to do anything drastic.

Now that we have Haven, I’m not sure what will happen. There’s a possibility she’ll have to stay with us beyond the school year. It depends on how long that guy sticks around for. And if that’s the case, things could get messy.

I don’t want Haven getting caught up in anything to do with the Rooks, especially if a civil war breaks out. It’s a dangerous organization, and Mark is a dangerous man. Worse than that, he’s never liked Haven.

We need to be careful.

I turn the shower off and grab a towel. Leave it to me to think myself into a downspiral of worry in the fifteen minutes I’ve had alone today.

When I step out of my room, I’m turning to head for the stairs when I catch something out of the corner of my eye. Haven is at the opposite end of the hallway, sitting on a window seat and staring out into the forest behind Colt’s house.

I’m moving toward her before I’ve made a conscious decision to do so. She hears me approaching and looks up, and I have to resist the urge to run my hand through the waves of her purple and brown hair.

Pulling out the bag of M&M’s in my pocket, I offer some to her, but she shakes her head.

“How’re you doing?” I ask.

She shrugs and turns back to the window. “Fine, I guess. Doing a lot of thinking.”

“You and me both,” I mutter. “Want to talk about it?”

“I wish I could.” Her shoulders sag. “I wish Athelia was here.”

“I’m sorry, doll. I know it’s hard, not being able to talk to her.”

She sniffles. “The important thing is that she’s safe from Isa—from everything. He’ll leave eventually, I think.”

“That’s what’s on your mind? The man who wants to hurt you?”

Haven shakes her head. “Colton.”

Keeping some distance between us, I lower myself onto the window seat. “About what he said?”

“Maybe I do need to be forced.” She sounds resigned and almost a touch remorseful.

“What? No, Haven, don’t say that.”

“But what if I do?” She looks up at me. “What if it’s worth trying?”

“Are you—no. No. You can’t be serious.”

“What if it works, though? What if it…” She gestures to herself. “What if it fixes me?”

“You don’t need to be fixed, doll.”

“Maybe I want to be.”

“No, just stop it. Colton got into your head, that’s all. Don’t listen to him. He’s a dumbass.”

She has her knees tucked under her chin with both her arms wrapped around her legs. Her eyes are wide with an odd mixture of anxiety and curiosity. “I’ve thought about it a lot.”

“He’s manipulating you.”

“He’s always right!”

I laugh. “No, Haven, he’s not. Today is the perfect example of that.”

“But what if he’s right about this? What if this is what I need to get past my fears?”

“Who said you have to?”

“I do,” she snaps. “I don’t want to live like this forever. I’ve been trying to get past it on my own for years, but I can’t. I need help, Xander.”

“This isn’t the way.”

“You don’t get to decide that for me,” she seethes.

Relief flows through me. Seeing Haven angry is ten times better than seeing her broken and distraught.

“I need to be forced,” Haven continues. “Not—not the way that happened when I was younger, and not like what Colton did today. If it could be more controlled, if I could still have a way to back out, then I think that could work. I could… I don’t know, desensitize myself to sex.”

I frown. “I don’t think you want to do that.”

“It’s a start, isn’t it?”

Jesus Christ. She’s actually serious.

“All right. Walk me through what this would look like.”

“We’d have to renegotiate the deal some. It’d stay exactly the same, but I’d have a way out if I really needed it with no consequences.”

Hmm. Colton won’t appreciate changing the rules, but he knows he has to agree. If he wants her to feel safe, then we have to give Haven some of her power back.

“Tell me how it’d be different than what you did before. Colton said you always backed out. You’re still giving yourself the chance to do that.”

“Because when I say no, I want you to keep going. We can have a codeword or something for when I actually need you guys to stop, but unless I use it, I don’t want you to listen to me.”

I almost laugh. The way she’s talking, she must think she’s the only one who’s ever had this idea—that the kink hasn’t been around for forever.

“Typically, it’s called a safeword.”

“Huh?”

I grin. “Lots of people have forced sex fantasies. Trust me, it’s way more common than you think. A safeword—”

“Do you fantasize about it?”

“I do.”

“With… Lucas?”

I shake my head. “With you, doll.”

Haven rears back in shock. “Me?”

“Yes, you. Don’t act so surprised.” I throw a handful of M&M’s into my mouth.

“You want to rape me.” A statement, not a question, filled with nothing but confusion.

Our little traitor doesn’t know what to think.

“I do.”

When her gaze drops, I lift her face back up with a bent knuckle under her chin. “Just because I want to doesn’t mean I won’t stop when you call your safeword.”

She hesitates, probably wondering if she should trust me. She shouldn’t, but she can about this. I’m telling her the truth.

“What about Lucas and Colton?”

“They’d stop, too. I’ll make sure of it.”

“And I can set… boundaries? Because I don’t want Colton to hurt me with that thing again.”

“It’s called a flogger,” I say softly, guilt panging in my chest, “and if you don’t want us to hit you, then we won’t.”

“Flogger,” she mutters to herself.

A mixture of nostalgia and regret tugs on my heart. This used to be part of our regular dynamic—Haven exploring the real world and us helping her figure things out. I miss those days. Sometimes, I wish we could go back to them.

“You’re sure we’re the right people for this?” I ask.

“I don’t have very many options, do I?”

I grimace. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just… I guess I figure there aren’t many people I could ask to do this. Not many I trust, at least.”

Again, I get that feeling of not measuring up—of not being trustworthy enough for her. Except this time, I want to measure up. I want Haven to have the blind trust she had in me when we were younger, and I want to live up to the man she thought I was.

“So… we’ll use a safeword?”

This time, I can’t stop myself, and my fingers thread through her soft hair. “I don’t think I could do it any other way.”

Have I fantasized about doing it with no safeword in sight? Of course, and I probably always will. And while I can’t deny that we’ve blurred the lines of consent with little to no remorse, I don’t want to make Haven feel the way Colton did. That’s too much, even for me.

“Okay. What should our safeword be?” she asks.

“That’s up to you. It’s gotta be something you wouldn’t say normally. We can use plain language—things like ‘no’ or ‘stop,’ but if you want to be able to scream and cry and beg us to stop without us actually stopping, it’s best to use something else.”

“Hmm.” Haven touches her fingertips to the glass next to her. “Window?”

I can’t help my laugh. “Yeah, sure, that works.”

“Okay, then. I’ll say window if I want you to stop.”

“All right.”

“And… you will stop?”

I hate that she feels the need to ask again. I hate that she’s been forced into this situation at all, and even more, I hate that she feels the need to do this to get past her sexual trauma.

Leaning in, I kiss the tip of her nose. “I promise we’ll stop.”

“Okay.” Nervously, Haven twists some of her hair around a finger. “I—I want to try it.”

“All right. We’ll talk things over with Lucas and Colton tomorrow.”

An odd feeling settles over me. It’s equal parts excitement and dread. I’ve wanted to do something like this to Haven for years. Ever since I met her, really. But there’s a part of me that’s terrified of that fact, which I’ve gotta admit, I wasn’t expecting.

I just don’t want to add to her pain. Not anymore.

She’s been through enough.