Page 46

Haven

For the entire week I’m on my period, the boys don’t ask anything of me. Instead of the crop tops and tiny shorts they’ve been making me wear, they give me more comfortable clothes. Sweatpants, T-shirts, hoodies—even a pair of leggings. They let me keep them once my cycle is over. Given Lucas’s reaction when I made a comment about wanting to be comfy, I suspect he’s the one who fought for this.

The boys also allow me to visit Athelia a few times, but only if we don’t leave the house. It helps me to not feel so cooped up, but I miss going outside. I miss being free.

Since Isaiah has now connected me to the guys, we’re able to get some things I need out of my dorm. Textbooks, clothes, my laptop, stuff like that. It helps me settle into life a little easier, but I struggle with not being able to leave the house often.

Xander finds me one afternoon in mid-December staring out the living room window. Snow is floating down lazily outside, but it’s been too warm out to stick.

He stays silent as he comes within my reach and offers me some M&M’s. At this point, I think he must always have a bag on him, no matter where he is or what he’s doing.

“Thanks,” I mumble, taking a few.

He’s quiet for another minute before he clears his throat. “I, uh… I’ve been thinking.”

I turn away from the window to face him. Based on his tone, this is really important to him.

“When I was a kid, I got bullied a lot,” he starts. “I learned to hold my own when I got older—got into fights a lot—and eventually the bullies learned to leave me alone. But… shit, I don’t think this makes any sense. I… fuck.”

Tilting my head, I watch as Xander tries to piece together what he needs to say. He looks flustered. Nervous, even.

“I know what it’s like,” he finally says. “I know how miserable it is to wake up every morning and know there’s someone out there planning on making your day a living hell. And you… what we did to you…”

Oh. I truly had no idea where he was trying to take this until that last sentence. Now everything is starting to make sense.

Xander takes my hands. “We never should’ve hurt you like that. I promised myself as a kid that I’d never turn into a bully, and I failed at that.”

“Yeah,” I say quietly. I don’t want to rub it in—not when he’s trying to apologize—but he’s right.

Guilt crosses Xander’s expression, and he gets onto his knees in front of me so I’m looking down at him instead of the other way around. My fingers are threading through his dark hair before I realize what I’m doing. Despite what he did, I don’t like seeing him in pain.

“And then seeing you in the woods when Isaiah found you,” Xander continues. “Hearing the things he said to you? I can’t believe I ever thought making your life harder would be justified. I mean, I didn’t know about Isaiah back then, but I still knew that the cult fucked you up. Haven, I… I’m so sorry.”

Even though I knew he was going to say that, I stare at him in shock. I didn’t think I’d ever get an apology from any of the boys.

“I’m not asking for your forgiveness,” Xander says. “That’s yours to give when you’re ready. If you’re ever ready. I just… I couldn’t let this sit any longer. I wish I could take it all back, Haven. I wish I could go back to Halloween night and tell our younger selves to work through the hurt and stick together.”

Tears flood my eyes. I’ve had the same thought countless times. “Xan—”

“We never should’ve abandoned you. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve any of what we did to you.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Relief floods his expression. It’s not forgiveness—he knows I’m not there yet—but it’s an acknowledgment, and I think that’s all he was hoping for.

Sniffling, I slip off my seat and directly into Xander’s lap. I kiss him with both my hands in his hair. He’s seemed more contemplative over the past couple weeks, and now I know why.

I rest my forehead against Xander’s while I blink back my tears. This gives me hope that maybe Lucas and Colton can come around, too. God, I hope so.

“Now tell me what’s wrong,” Xander says softly. “You’ve been staring out the window all day.”

“I’m tired of hiding,” I mumble. “Isaiah isn’t here, yet he still has me trapped.”

Xander hums, thinking. “I’m running sound at a concert tonight.”

“You… are?”

What an odd subject change.

He nods. “I do it on occasion when the venue’s regular sound guy can’t make it. Got a call earlier that he’s sick, so they need me to fill in.”

“Oh.”

I never thought about it, but it makes perfect sense that Xander is involved in the music scene. He always has earbuds in, and he’s constantly humming different tunes.

“It’s in the next town over, so if Isaiah is back, he shouldn’t find you there—for real this time.”

“Really?” I ask, perking up. Getting out of this goddamn house is exactly what I need. “You think Colton and Lucas would let us?”

“Already talked to Luc about it.” Xander shrugs. “And Colton can find out once we’re back. Don’t want him spoiling our fun.”

“That’ll lead to a punishment of some sort.”

Xander keeps me in his arms as he stands, and then he carefully sets me on my feet. “Not if I take all the blame.”

“Fair enough.”

Fifteen minutes later, I’m meeting Xander in the mudroom. He does a double-take when he sees what I’m wearing. Black jeans, a tight black shirt with a low neckline, and my boots. I’ve got some of my favorite necklaces on, but unlike Xander, I’m not wearing mine under my shirt.

“Fuckin’ gorgeous,” he says as we pull on our coats. “Ready?”

“Please. I want to get out of here.”

. . .

Xander takes me to a small city about forty-five minutes from Birchwood. The venue is just outside downtown, and when he parks on the street, my stomach flips with excitement.

The moment I’m out of the car, Xander grabs my hand. “Stick close to me, okay? It can get a little overwhelming inside, especially since it’s your first time.”

“I’m not a kid, Xander. I can handle myself.”

He stops on the sidewalk and cuts me a no-nonsense look. “You’ll either stay by my side voluntarily, or I’ll cuff you to me. Understood?”

“You brought handcuffs?!”

“Keep them in the car.” He doesn’t wink or crack a joke, which has me thinking he doesn’t keep them there for sexual purposes.

Tightening his grip on my hand, Xander leads me across the street. The brick building we’re heading toward is a little rundown, and graffiti covers a lot of it. Some guys are hanging out near the entrance, smoking and talking. Xander nods to a couple of them as we walk past.

Inside, Xander moves confidently into a large room. There’s a stage on the far side, but he immediately hops up into the sound booth and pulls me with him.

“Sound check is in five minutes,” he tells me. “Well, if everyone has there shit together on time, which never happens. We’re probably looking at another twenty minutes, which means Brad—” He nods to a plus size man in his forties. “—is going to stress out about not starting the show on time, even though no one really gives a fuck.”

“Got it.” I don’t think I catch everything he says. I’m too busy taking the place in. Wooden floors, some chairs near the perimeter, what looks like a cool lights setup, and some posters on the walls.

Xander pulls a stool over so it’s directly next to him. “Sit right here.”

I do so silently. When he glances at me, he chuckles to himself.

“What?” I ask.

“Didn’t I say you’d be overwhelmed? And the show hasn’t even started yet.” Shaking his head, he smiles at the sound board while messing with some dials.

“I’m not overwhelmed!”

He snorts. “You know, I’m beginning to get why Luc calls you his little fawn. You get all doe-eyed and jumpy whenever you encounter something new.”

“I’ve been to concerts before!”

He laughs. “Not like this one, doll.”

Brad crosses the room toward the sound booth. He’s got a few cords in his hands. “Hey, Xander, everything working okay up there?”

“All good so far. We’ll find out more once we get started.” Xander scans the room. “It looks like we’re missing two people?”

“Smoke break.” Brad rolls his eyes. “What is it with musicians and not having any sense of time?”

Xander shrugs. “Beats me.”

Adjusting his beanie, Brad jerks his head in my direction. “Who’s this pretty little thing?”

“Mine.” Xander’s voice is low and threatening. “And if you spend more than three seconds looking at her, I’ll gouge your eyes out.”

Brad raises his hands in mock surrender. “Chill, bro. I was just saying hi.”

“Say hi to someone else.”

Brad doesn’t seem to take it too personally. He just chuckles and walks away before waving at someone who just walked in. It makes me wonder if he’s used to it from Xander.

“Do you take a lot of girls here?” I ask before I can stop myself.

“I don’t take any girls anywhere,” he answers without looking up from the soundboard.

“Then why am I here?”

“You’re special,” he deadpans.

I roll my eyes. Dumbass.

“It’s what you wanted to hear, wasn’t it?”

“No,” I say defensively.

“Liar.” He leans in, expression triumphant. “You were jealous there for a second. Don’t deny it.”

“Oh, shut—”

He presses his lips against mine. I expect him to pull away quickly, but he fists the hair at the base of my neck and deepens the kiss. My body melts into his as he slips his tongue into my mouth, but then I remember where we are and jump back.

“Xander, we’re in publ—”

“You are special, actually,” he says quietly. All teasing has disappeared from his tone, and his expression is so sincere it makes my heart skip a beat. “You’re the only girl Luc and I have ever been hung up on. Colt, too.”

Someone on the stage calls Xander’s name, and he places something in my hands before turning away. I’m left speechless and with my mouth hanging open. It’s not until a horrible, loud sound comes through the speakers that I snap out of it.

“Bro,” Xander yells. “I told you to wait before plugging it in.”

“Sorry,” a guy with a guitar yells back.

Grumbling to himself, Xander sits on his stool.

“All right, let’s go,” the vocalist says into his microphone.

When one of the guitarists starts, I cringe at how loud it is. It’s near-painful, and I have to resist the urge to cover my ears.

Xander nudges me, and when I look up at him, he nods toward my hand. I forgot he gave me something, and after a quick glance, I realize it’s a small plastic case with two earplugs in it.

Oh.

“Thank you,” I shout over the noise.

Once I have them in, Xander nods in approval and turns back to the board. The music is muffled now, and it doesn’t feel like my eardrums are going to burst anymore. I never would’ve thought to wear earplugs. The fact that Xander brought them for me is so sweet.

Hoping he won’t hate it, I hook one of my fingers into the front pocket of his jeans. Xander glances at me in surprise, but then he smiles. When he leans down and kisses the top of my head, I feel myself blush.

We stay like that for the rest of the sound check. At some point, Brad walks past, and he chuckles to himself when he sees. Apparently, he must look for too long, because he quickly turns away when Xander glares at him.

After the sound check, Xander hops down from the sound booth and grabs us two bottles of water. People slowly trickle in until the room is pretty full. Xander catches up with a few people who hang around the sound booth until the clock on the wall shows we were supposed to start five minutes ago.

Brad is over by the stage, and it’s too loud for me to hear him, but he’s definitely scolding someone. Once he walks away frustratedly, a few people hop up onto the stage.

“Here we go.” Xander squeezes my leg in excitement. “Put your earplugs back in, doll.”

I do, watching as he presses a few buttons on the sound board and then gives a thumbs up to the people grabbing instruments.

Lights around the stage glow bright colors as the first song starts up. Pretty quickly, I realize that Xander is right. I am overwhelmed.

Athelia and I have gone to a couple concerts, but they were all outside. In here, everything is the exact opposite. The small room is dim and packed with people, and the music and flashing lights are almost too overwhelming for me to handle. If it wasn’t for the earplugs Xander gave me, I think I’d be too overstimulated to stay without having a panic attack.

Two other bands play before the one that did the sound check. At some point during the second set, Xander pulls me into his lap. He keeps an arm around me, and while the final band is setting up, he squeezes my waist.

“You all right, doll?”

“Umm.”

“Say I was right,” he commands softly.

“You were right.”

Xander doesn’t rub it in. He just reaches into his leather jacket and pulls out a small plastic bag. “You can take one of these. It’ll help calm you down.”

I reach for the bag, but he pulls it away.

“It’ll also get you high. These are weed gummies.”

Oh.

“I know you probably haven’t been high before, and there’s no pressure if you don’t want to. Just wanted to offer.”

“I think I’d like to try.”

I’ve always been curious, but I haven’t really had the option to try weed. Figures that when I get the chance, it’s coming from one of my bullies.

“You’re sure?” Xander asks.

I nod. “I’d like to not feel so overwhelmed.”

He tilts the bag toward me. “Only one, all right?”

“Only one.” I pop it into my mouth and chew. It tastes like berries, and like lots of leaves, and… well, like the way weed smells. Once I swallow, I frown. “I don’t feel any different.”

“It’ll take a while to kick in.” He tugs me higher up his lap, glancing at the stage. “Now you’re definitely not leaving my side, got it?”

I don’t want to.

The third set flies by quickly, even though I’m pretty sure it’s the longest. Before I know it, people are exiting the building, and the bands are packing up their stuff. The room kind of feels like it’s spinning, and I wonder if that’s from the gummy or just from being tired.

Xander lifts me off his lap and sets me on my stool. “I’ve gotta shut down the board. Hold on for a sec.”

“Hmm?”

He chuckles. “Don’t move, doll.”

Doll.

I smile lazily. I like it when he calls me that.

“Yo, Xan, you bring those gummies?” a boy our age asks as he comes up to the booth.

“Are you driving tonight?” Xander asks.

“Yeah.”

“Then no.”

“Aw, come on, man. Don’t be that guy.”

“Always will be. Get home safe.” Xander turns away and finishes switching off the board. Once he’s done, he offers a hand to me. “I take it the gummy kicked in.”

“I… think so?”

He snorts. “Definitely, Haven.”

“Oh—oh!”

I grab onto Xander when he lifts me to my feet. I’m not super off balance, but everything feels fuzzy. Cozy, almost.

“You’re okay.” Xander doesn’t let go of me. “I’ve got you.”

Something about that little phrase tugs at my brain, but I can’t remember why. For some reason, that strikes me as ridiculously funny, and I giggle.

And then I giggle some more.

And then it turns into a full-on laugh that I can’t stop, even though I can’t breathe.

“Yeah, probably should’ve waited to give it to you until we were in the car.”

That only makes me laugh harder.

“Come on, you goofball.”

Once we start moving, I regain almost all my coordination. It feels like my brain is lagging a bit, but we make it to the car just fine. When Xander reaches for the passenger door, I grab him.

“Kiss me,” I demand with a slow smile. I tilt my head, and when Xander’s lips meet mine, I grab onto his hair to hold him close to me.

With a groan, Xander slips his tongue into my mouth. Cold air gusts around us as he leans me backward with both arms wrapped around my torso. The warmth from Xander’s kiss counteracts the winter chill, and when he breaks away, I let out a soft whine.

“God, you’re adorable like this.” He opens the car door. “Get in. We gotta get you home and into bed.”

After making sure I’m buckled, Xander slides into the driver’s seat and pulls onto the road. I watch him as foggy thoughts of kissing him swim around in my brain. He’s really good at it, and he’s really, really hot.

I wonder if he’d let me suck his dick.

The moment the thought pops into my head, I latch onto it. I want to take every inch of his beautifully long cock down my throat until he comes. I want to choke on it and taste his cum on my tongue. It’d feel so—

“Christmas is right around the corner,” Xander says.

My train of thought comes to a screeching halt. “It is.”

“What do you think of coming home with me? I was gonna ask Colt, too.”

I sit up straight. “Wait, really?”

Xander nods. “He always spends it alone. I think if you come, he won’t turn me down like he always does.”

“Then yes. I don’t want him to be alone. That’s so sad. Don’t tell him, but it’s why I didn’t go home with Athelia for Thanksgiving. I thought of him in that gigantic house all by himself, and it broke my heart. No one should be alone for the holidays.”

Xander barks out a laugh. “Is this all I have to do to get you to open up? Get you high and start talking?”

“Oh.” I giggle. “Oopsie.”

Keeping one hand on the wheel, Xander places the other on my thigh. “I like you like this. I’m gonna do this to you more often.”

“Mmm.” I sink down into my seat and close my eyes. “I think I’d like that. I feel so… nice.”

“Anxiety is gone, isn’t it?”

I think for a second before realizing with surprise that he’s right. “Yeah.”

“Good,” he says quietly.

I’m also unbelievably turned on. My body is practically buzzing. When Xander moves his hand up my thigh an inch, I open my legs without a second thought. He takes it as an invitation and brushes his fingers along the seam of my jeans until he reaches my pussy.

With a sharp inhale, I push my hips forward, searching for friction. I need it. Need him.

Xander groans. “You can’t make sounds like that and expect me to concentrate on the road. You’re gonna get us into an accident.”

Another whine slips free. He presses his palm against me and roughly rubs my clit through my pants.

“Xan,” I gasp.

“Goddammit, Haven.”

The car jerks to the side, and I realize he’s pulled off the road. He yanks off his seatbelt and marches around the car. When he opens my door, his eyes are blazing. I’m about to ask him what he’s doing when he grabs me by the throat and slams his lips to mine.

With his free hand, Xander undoes my jeans and shoves his hand down my panties. I choke on my next breath when he pinches my clit between two fingers.

“I knew it,” he mutters darkly. “I knew all I had to do was get you high, and you’d turn into a desperate, whiny little slut. Look at you. Spreading your legs on your own. You’re not even protesting.”

Whimpering, I grab at his jacket. He’s rubbing my clit now, and maybe it’s the weed, or maybe it’s because anyone could see us, but the tiny bursts of electricity coming from his fingers feel better than ever before.

Or maybe it’s because it’s him.

Maybe it’s because you’re falling for your bullies.

The usual guilt and self-hatred that follow thoughts like that don’t come. All I feel is desire. I want him to be as dedicated to me as he was when we were eighteen. I want him to turn feral the way he did when Brad looked at me earlier. I want him to own me.

“I bet you’re aching down there,” Xander taunts, moving his hand faster, harder.

“Xander!”

“Bet you’re desperate to be filled, even if you can’t admit it to yourself. Bet you can’t stop thinking of what it’d feel like if I bent you over the hood of the car and fucked you raw.”

Oh god, yes please.

“Fuck,” I gasp. “Xan, fuck.”

“That’s it. Keep saying my name, doll. Don’t forget who’s making you feel this way.” He leans over and kisses me, nipping at my bottom lip when I whimper into his mouth. “God could never make you feel this good, could he?”

“Xander! You can’t—you can’t say shit like that.”

“Oh, I can. I’m ten times better than the God we grew up worshiping. What the hell has he done for us, huh? For you?”

I can’t answer, partially because he’s right and partially because he has me right on the cusp of an earth-shattering orgasm. My mind can barely conjure up a coherent thought, let alone make it all the way to my mouth.

“That’s what I thought,” he growls. “I’m your god now. I’m the one who provides for you. I’m the one who decides your fate. And I’ll do a much better job than he ever did.”

Oh my god. He’s serious.

“Say it, Haven.” He kisses me again, his fingers slipping in my desire from how soaked he has me. “Tell me who your god is.”

“Y-you.”

“You can do better than that.”

I’m gonna come. Oh my god, he’s saying the most ridiculous shit, and it’s gonna make me come.

“Haven,” he growls again. “Say it.”

“You’re my god,” I cry, and maybe there’s a tiny part of me that means it.

My orgasm hits me like a lightning bolt. It’s electrifying and so intense that I arch my back off the seat while my hands search for anything to hold onto. Xander slips three fingers inside me, curling them with enough force to make me scream.

It’s so good I can feel my mind melting. Xander’s thumb finds my clit, his touch rough and overstimulating.

“Fuck, your cunt is so tight.” He presses against my g-spot hard enough that I feel like I’m going to accidentally pee. “That’s it. Clamp down hard like you’re riding my cock.”

“Xander,” I cry. “Too much, it’s too much!”

“You can take it. That’s what a whore like you is for, right?”

Before I can answer him, he crushes his mouth to mine, stealing the breath from my lungs. His tongue tangles with mine, his strokes dominating and possessive. My body is jolting against him, my cries muffled and pitiful, but he doesn’t seem to care.

This may be my orgasm, but it’s for his pleasure.

“Good girl,” he murmurs when he finally pulls away. His fingers have stilled, but they’re still inside me. “You liked that, didn’t you?”

“That…” I heave in a breath. “Oh my god, yes.”

His satisfied smile burns through me. I like it when he looks at me like that—like he’s obsessed with me.

“Xander, that was the first time anyone has made me come like that.”

“What, by fingering you? I know that’s not true. I’ve—”

“With their fingers inside me,” I whisper breathlessly.

He stills, and then his smile returns. “Good.”

“Good?”

Xander nods. “Yes. I may not have all your firsts, but I’ll always have this.”

Oh.

“You’re mine.” While his voice is quiet, his words are edged with a dark ferocity. His hand wraps around my throat again, and he pulls me closer to him, so our lips aren’t even an inch apart. “No matter what happens, Haven Ashford, I will always own a piece of your soul.”