Page 19

Lucas

I catch Haven right before she crashes onto the floor. “Haven! Haven, breathe, for Christ’s sake.”

She only does so after I shake her and repeat what I said. She takes in a series of tiny gasps while I pull her in between my legs. The tile is cold and hard, and while it’s mildly unpleasant, I’m hoping it’ll help ground her. Things like that have helped her before.

“Deeper breaths, Haven. Come on, I know you can do it.” I do my best to get her into an upright position, which means she’s leaning against me, touching me.

“Did you have to trigger her into a panic attack?” Xander grumbles while glaring at Colton.

“She’ll be fine,” he says coolly.

Xander throws his hands up in the air, exasperated. “She almost passed out!”

While the two of them argue, I focus on Haven. Her body is so small against mine. She’s trembling and muttering, “Can’t go back, can’t go back, can’t go back.”

It’s what she always used to say, which means this guy is definitely from the cult she escaped. But why is she hiding that from us?

Like this, Haven feels so… fragile. Breakable, but not in the usual way. Last night, she was terrified enough to ask Colton of all people for help. She can’t stand up to this guy the way she does to us—she didn’t even try. She just… ran.

I hate this.

If we ever let her back into our circle, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. She wasn’t supposed to voluntarily give herself up. We were supposed to force her, to make her beg for the opportunity to earn our forgiveness. There wasn’t supposed to be any scenario in which I held her, sobbing and shaking, in my arms.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

I hate that she’s trapped here, but that it’s because she’s choosing to be. I hate who she reminds me of when she’s like this, too scared to function. And I hate that she’s leaning into me like I’m someone she can trust.

I’m not, and I never will be.

“Go back where, Haven?” I ask.

“No,” she mumbles. “Can’t say.”

“He’s gotta be from that cult,” Xander says to Colton, barely loud enough for me to hear. “That’s the only thing that ever made her panic like this.”

I stare down at Haven. She’s not denying it, but that doesn’t mean much considering the state she’s in. I doubt she even heard.

“Can one of you get an ice pack?” I ask.

Immediately, Xander hops to his feet and moves to the freezer. I’m not sure how much it’ll help. All I know is Rora does it sometimes when she gets anxious, so it’s worth a shot.

Shifting in his chair so he can watch Haven better, Colton says, “She told me she didn’t know him.”

“Yeah, well, she was probably lying,” Xander replies as he hands me the ice pack.

With one hand, I hold it to Haven’s chest, keeping my other arm locked around her for support. She shivers at the cold, but she’s too out of it to try to push me away.

“I know that,” Colton snaps. “But why would it matter to her? Why try to hide it? It’s not like we don’t know how she grew up.”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you threatened to tell him where she is if she doesn’t cooperate with you,” I grind out, stiffening when Haven clings to my arm in the way she used to do when I’d hold her like this.

He shrugs. “If anything, I’d say that’s just more proof that we’re right.”

“That’s not the fucking point, man!”

“I made that threat… what? Five minutes ago? She was refusing to tell me who he was last night. So it can’t be that.”

“General distrust, then?” Xander suggests. He’s still crouching in front of us, watching with concern as Haven gasps for air. “She was scared out of her mind last night, and it’s not like we’re safe people for her. She probably thought that hiding the truth was a way to keep us from hurting her more.”

“I don’t care,” Colton growls. “If she wants us to protect her, she can’t lie to us.”

My guess is it’s more than that. Colton doesn’t like that Haven is keeping things from us because it gives her power, even if it’s only a small amount. That’s not how we’ve ever dealt with her. Still, this isn’t the time to force things out of Haven, so I ignore Colton and squeeze her gently.

“You’re gonna be okay,” I whisper.

“Is that true? Were you lying last night?” Colton asks.

Fuck’s sake.

“N-no,” she manages.

At that, I glance at Xander and Colton to see my own thoughts reflected in their expressions.

“None of us believe you, angel.” Colton’s voice is hard and unforgiving as he glares down at her.

With a whimper, Haven cringes into me. Her breathing isn’t as choppy as it was a minute ago, thank fuck, but she’s still not out of the woods yet.

“If you’re not gonna be helpful, then leave,” I hiss at him. “Just let her calm down first.”

Rolling his eyes, Colton gets to his feet and stalks out of the room. Typical. He has plenty of strengths, and I’ll always count him as one of my closest friends, but he’s too impatient for his own good.

“Forget about him,” I tell Haven gently. “He’s just an ass. We’re gonna protect you, all right? That’s the deal.”

“But—but what if I c-c-can’t?”

“Can’t what, doll?” Xander asks.

“I can’t have sex,” she whispers. “I can’t do it, Xander.”

Frowning, Xander drags his gaze from her to me and then back down again. We both know she’s lying. She’s hooked up with plenty of people. Hell, just last night, she was with Aaron when—

Wait. She stopped Aaron before he got further than taking her shirt off. I heard what she said before Colton stormed inside that room. She was telling Aaron to stop, that she couldn’t do it.

Is that what’s happened every time we’ve seen her disappear with some random guy? She backed out every single time?

No. No, that’s a stupid thought.

“I think we all know you’re more than capable,” Xander says.

Haven shakes her head, and her breaths turn shallow again. Shit. We need to calm her down, not get her worked up again.

“Blow jobs,” Haven blurts. “That’s all I can do. Anything else… please don’t make me. Please.”

If she’s lying to get out of her part of our deal, she’s doing a damn good job. She sounds like she’s legitimately terrified.

“All right, all right.” Xander throws his hands up in surrender. “We’ll keep it to just blow jobs for now.”

Haven slumps against me in relief, and I almost feel bad. Xander can’t promise that. Neither of us can control what Colton does, and I’m not convinced Xander is planning to abide by his concession, anyway. I think it’s a ruse to get her to stop freaking out.

“Thank you,” she whispers. “I’ve never been able to. Not even with…”

Haven doesn’t finish that sentence, and we don’t push her to. I’m not particularly sure I care. All I want is for her panic attack to subside so I can get her out of my lap.

Colton reappears, arms crossed. “Is she done yet?”

Sitting up, Haven takes the ice pack from my hands and presses it to her chest herself. “I’ll be fine.”

“Good, because Athelia has been calling and texting you all morning. You need to talk to her so she knows you’re all right.”

Colton is holding Haven’s phone, and when he comes closer, she lunges for it. He holds it out of her reach easily.

“Hey!” she exclaims.

“What’s your story?” Colton asks.

“Story? What’re you talking about?”

“No one can know you’re here. No one.”

“But she’s my best—”

“No. She could tell someone else she trusts, or someone else could overhear your conversation. Hell, knowing her, she’d try to come visit you, and that guy could follow her here.”

“Oh,” she mumbles.

“Can you say you’re visiting family?” I suggest.

“I grew up in a cult,” Haven says flatly. “She knows I’d never go back.”

Crossing his arms, Xander says, “What about extended family? Is literally everyone in your family in the cult?”

“As far as I know, yeah.”

“Does Athelia know that?” Colton asks.

“I suppose not.”

“There you go, then. An aunt or uncle got into a car crash or something, and you had to leave last minute to visit.”

Nodding, Haven reaches for her phone again. “Yeah, okay, I can do that.”

“You’d better be convincing,” Colton says. “If she gets suspicious, it’ll fuck everything up.”

“I’ve had plenty of practice lying. Just give me my damn phone.”

“Make it quick.”

Taking her phone, Haven calls Athelia quickly. I’m sitting close enough that I can hear Athelia’s voice coming through the speaker.

“Haven,” Athelia exclaims. “Where the hell have you been?”

Haven winces. “Hey, I’m sorry. I had a… family emergency come up.”

“Family emergency?” Athelia asks. “But I thought—”

“With the good side of my family,” Haven blurts.

“You didn’t tell me you had a good side.”

“I don’t get to talk to them often.” It sounds like Haven is about to say more, but Colton cuts her a harsh look to keep her in line. “Look, I can’t stay on the phone for long, but I love you, okay? I hope you had a really good night.”

“I… I had a great night,” Athelia says, but she doesn’t sound very convincing. “I’ll tell you all about it later. When will you be back?”

Dodging Colton as he makes a grab for her phone, Haven says, “I’m not sure. I’ll text you when I know. It might be a few days. Bye.”

“Haven—”

But Colton has already managed to yank her phone away, and he hits the end button a split second later.

“What the hell?” Haven snaps.

“I told you to make it quick,” Colton says smoothly. “She knows you’re okay now. That’s all the call was for.”

“You couldn’t let me talk to her for an extra minute or two? She sounded off.”

Colton shakes his head. “Who knows where she’s at or who she’s with? Do you want her involved in all this?”

Haven’s shoulders slump. “No.”

“We agreed to keep you safe, so that means you need to listen to us, you understand?” Colton slides her phone into his pocket.

“You don’t think this is a little too far?” she grumbles, crossing her arms. “You’re acting paranoid.”

In a flash, Colton is gripping her chin and forcing her to look up at him. “That’s not for you to decide, is it?”

Jaw clenched, she glares up at him.

“Is it?” he repeats more forcefully.

“No,” she mumbles.

Releasing her, he steps back. “Since you won’t tell us anything about who was chasing you—”

“I don’t know him!”

“—then we need to proceed with as much caution as possible. Who knows what advantages he has. Resources, connections, spies—we’ve got no clue. Which means you stay put, and you don’t talk to anyone but the three of us.”

He’s right, and she knows it, but god does she look pissed.

“I just wish you’d gotten a good look at his face,” I say, annoyed. “It’s gonna be hard to figure out if he’s still looking for you if we don’t know who to watch out for.”

“Could’ve been one of the guards you suck off,” Xander says.

“What?” Haven sputters. “You know about that, too?”

Xander laughs. “You thought Colton wouldn’t tell us?”

“Well, I—I—”

“Oh, we tell each other everything, doll,” Xander says with a smirk. “Everything.”

Haven glowers at Colton, but he ignores her and glances at his watch. “You two should probably get out of here soon if you’re planning on finishing up shopping before three.”

“And can you swing by my dorm and grab my laptop?” Haven asks. “I need it for school.”

“We’re not touching your dorm,” I say. “Not worth the risk of getting spotted.”

“But—”

“We’ll deal with it,” Colton cuts in, “and I’ll get you enrolled in online classes tomorrow.”

“But I thought you couldn’t switch mid-semester,” she says.

Xander smirks. “The rules don’t apply to him. They never have.”

“Right,” she mumbles.

Grabbing a notepad and pen from the counter, Colton tosses them onto the floor in front of Haven. “Make your list. After that, you’re mine.”