Page 45

Haven

I lean into Colton’s hand as he gently threads his fingers through my hair. Our bodies are still tangled together, and I realize I’ve basically wrapped myself around him. Surprisingly, he doesn’t seem to mind.

Something about him and me has changed, and what he whispered to me last night only confirms it.

I don’t know what to do with you. You’re making me feel things, angel. Things I promised myself I’d never feel again.

My assumption is that he thought I was asleep when he said that. I was halfway there, but his words made my stomach flutter, and it kept me awake for another couple of minutes.

Starting to feel things for Colton again was something I didn’t think would ever happen. But after our encounter with Isaiah, something shifted. I felt like I was eighteen again. Like I could rely on him no matter what. Like I could rely on all of them.

Still, it’s hopelessly naive of me to want something with them. Keeping me safe from Isaiah doesn’t erase all they’ve done. It also doesn’t mean they’re doing anything other than holding up their end of our deal.

But…

With a sleepy sigh, I nestle closer to Colton. I can pretend, if only for this morning. Pretend that I didn’t grow up in a cult. That I don’t have so much fear and guilt around sex. That I never betrayed the boys.

I feel Colton lean in like he’s going to kiss me on the forehead, but he stops himself. For a second, he doesn’t move, and then he lets out a quiet, “Goddammit.”

In the next second, he’s gone, and I blink my eyes open. He’s already crossed the room, and he yanks open his dresser drawer and pulls out a T-shirt. Three seconds ago, he was fully relaxed in bed, and now he looks so tense that my first instinct is to hide under the bed.

But this is Colton. He promised not to hurt me—physically, at least. Flogging me in the basement was the only time he went back on his word, and I know how much he regrets it.

Groggily, I push myself up into a sitting position. I wince at the cramps in my abdomen, barely able to breathe through them. They fade after a minute, and when I’m able to focus, I find Colton stepping out of the bathroom.

With the sheets wrapped around my shoulders, I watch him silently. It’s cold in bed without him, and I wish I could ask him to come back, but I don’t think he’d like that.

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

“Fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Not bothering to look at me, he yanks a black hoodie on. “Positive. Not that it’d be any of your business if something was wrong.”

I grimace. Colton was so sweet with me last night. He felt things. I know he did. He said he did. So why is he acting like this?

Maybe he’s confused, the hopeful side of me thinks, but I don’t let myself believe it.

Because isn’t this what he always does? He’s kind and gentle with me until I let my guard down, and then he does the emotional equivalent of slapping me across the face. And I’m stupid enough to fall for it every time.

“Get up,” Colton says as he puts on one of the watches he usually wears.

“Why are you acting like this?” I ask, my voice small. I shouldn’t show him how much he’s affecting me, but I’m tired of this. “How can you go from washing me in the shower while I cried to giving me the cold shoulder like this?”

He marches over to the bed and rips the blankets back. “I said get up.”

I hug myself as cool air rushes in. At some point last night, Colton must’ve dressed me in panties and a T-shirt. At least I’m covered, but the clothing does little to protect me against his searing glare.

“Do I need to force you?” he grits out.

“N-no.”

“Then—”

“I’m going!”

Ducking my head so he can’t see my tears, I slide to the edge of the mattress. Just as I’m standing, my cramps decide to come back in full force. With a sharp inhale, I double over. They’re so intense that they make me sick to my stomach. It’s fairly normal for me, but usually I don’t have my bully watching me suffer through the pain.

Colton grabs my arm to keep me from falling over. “What’s wrong?”

I shoot him an incredulous look. “Oh, so now you care?”

“Don’t waste my time,” he snaps. “You practically fell out of bed. What’s—”

“Nothing, I’m fine. I’ll come downstairs in a minute.”

I make it halfway to the bathroom before Colton grabs my arm and whips me around. When I wince, his grip gentles, and his annoyed expression turns to one of concern.

“Did I hurt you yesterday?”

I roll my eyes. “No.”

“You said you were feeling off last night. Are you sick?”

“No. Would you please fuck off?”

“Then what happened?”

“Nothing, I—”

“Enough lies. I thought we already established that. Did you hurt yourself?”

“No!” I yank myself free from his grip. “Jesus, Colton, it’s just cramps. Leave me alone.”

He stays frozen for a second before he realizes that I’ve walked away. Just as I’m closing the door so I can finally have a little privacy, Colton slams his palm against it to keep it open.

“What do you need?” he asks.

“If you have it in you to stop being an insufferable asshole for ten minutes, that’d be lovely.”

That earns me one of his smirks that used to make me roll my eyes. Now it just hurts.

“Not a chance.”

“Figures,” I mutter.

“Don’t take too long. I heard Lucas in the kitchen, so he’s probably already making breakfast.”

“Fine.”

Colton finally lets me close the door. I hurry through my routine so I have time to shower. The hot water soothes my cramps a little, but I know better than to bask in it for long.

Thankfully, when Xander and Lucas went shopping for me, I asked for a couple boxes of tampons, so I don’t have any issues in that department. It hurts to put one in— everything hurts—but at least I actually have tampons. At Cornerstone, we had to make our own reusable pads, and I hated how they felt.

When I get downstairs, there’s a green smoothie sitting near the spot next to where Colton always sits.

In a glass.

On the table.

No bowl in sight.

My assumption is that it’s his, but then where’s mine?

The guys continue their conversation about Lucas’s game schedule without more than a glance toward me. I lower myself to the floor next to Colton’s chair. It feels extra uncomfortable today. All I want to do is go back to sleep.

“No.” Colton sets two plates of pancakes onto the table and then hooks his arms under mine. He pulls me up and pushes me into the chair next to his. “Not this week.”

“Why?”

“Even we have our limits, doll,” Xander says. He smiles tiredly, and it only accentuates the bags under his eyes.

“How’re you feeling?” Lucas asks.

“I’m fine, guys. It’s not like I’m sick or something. It’s just my period.”

“Rora is always miserable during hers,” Lucas counters.

“Well, it’s different for everyone.”

“So you’re going to pretend I didn’t watch you hobble to the bathroom twenty minutes ago?” Colton deadpans as he sits next to me.

“Okay, but—”

“You’re the one who asked me to stop being an insufferable asshole,” he cuts in. “Unless you’ve decided to retract that?”

“No! God, no. Um, thank—”

But I can’t find it in myself to go on. I refuse to thank them for treating me like a normal fucking human being, especially since it took me being in physical pain for them to get to this point. If they want my gratitude, they’ll have to do a lot more than this.

None of them force me to finish, though. They just dig in to their food, so I silently follow suit, my head spinning. I appreciate not having to eat on the floor, but I wasn’t expecting any of them to treat me differently just because I’m on my period. I didn’t think they’d care.

I’m still not sure they do.

I finish off my smoothie and then nibble away at one of the pancakes on my plate. On a normal day, I could polish all this off in a heartbeat, but today, it feels like my stomach will rebel if I take one more bite. And god, I’m so tired. I feel like I could fall asleep at the table.

Colton must notice pretty quickly because he takes my plate and replaces it with two pain pills, which I quickly swallow down. Xander and Lucas follow Colton, and the three of them have a quiet conversation by the sink.

“I have a meeting,” Colton says.

“You’re the one who needs to sleep,” Lucas tells Xander.

Xander shakes his head. “I’ve got homework.”

Lucas narrows his eyes, but then he sighs. “Fine. But you’re only studying for a half hour, and then you’re joining us. You shouldn’t have set an alarm.”

“Wake me up next time, and I won’t have to,” Xander says with a wink.

Glowering, Lucas crosses the kitchen. “Come with me, Haven.”

“Where are we going?”

He pulls me to my feet and guides me through the house without a word. Once we’re in his and Xander’s room, he closes the door. “On the bed.”

Oh, no. No no no.

“Lucas—”

“Now,” he says impatiently.

I knew it. I knew they didn’t really care.

Chest aching, I climb onto the bed and turn to face him. “What do you want me to do?”

“Get under the covers.”

I blink, startled. That’s the last thing I was expecting to come out of his mouth.

With an irritated sigh, Lucas yanks the comforter back, along with the sheets. “Do I have to force you?”

Warily, I get under the blankets. “What’s going on?”

“You need to sleep.”

“Here?”

“Where else?”

“I… I guess my cage?”

“There’s not enough padding in there. You need to be comfortable.”

“I’d like to be comfortable all the time,” I mutter under my breath.

Lucas freezes halfway through tucking the blankets up to my chin. He doesn’t say anything, just stares at me with an unreadable expression.

“Please stop looking at me like that,” I say, unable to help how scared I sound. He’s freaking me out. They all are. This morning is so abnormal that it feels like a fever dream. Colton’s hot-and-cold attitude, them letting me sit at the table, and now this.

Lucas finishes tucking me in and then flips the light off. I expect him to leave, but then I hear him at his desk, and a moment later, the glow of his laptop screen fills the room.

“Shit,” he mumbles before turning the brightness down.

“You’re staying?” I ask.

“I need to study, and I concentrate best in here.”

Even though I’m tired and would honestly love to take a nap, I prop myself up on my elbows and watch him. Lucas exists differently than others. He avoids open areas and almost always has his back to a wall. If he doesn’t, he’s facing the most likely spot a threat could come at him from.

It’s probably unnoticeable to most people, but I recognized it immediately. That’s what I did at Cornerstone. It’s a little piece of me in him, or a piece of him in me. A shared trauma, I think, although I don’t know much about his.

“Because it’s where you feel safest?” I ask, knowing there’s a high likelihood the question will set him off.

“Go to sleep, Haven.”

“I can’t.”

With a deep, annoyed breath, he turns in his chair to face me. “And why’s that?”

“How am I supposed to fall asleep when there’s an angry man in the room who’s hurt me before with little to no remorse?” I ask, and I see the silhouette of his body go stiff.

“I have never laid a hand on you,” he snaps. “I’m not Colton.”

“That could change at any moment,” I whisper.

He winces, which confirms what I’ve thought for years. Someone used to hurt him. A bully, a family member, someone like that. And being compared to that person is the deepest wound someone could give him.

Lucas shuts his laptop, and the darkness swallows him whole. The only indicator of where he’s moving to is his footsteps on the carpeted floor.

I tense as I hear him crossing the room toward the bed. The mattress sags, and I realize Lucas is crawling onto it from the other side. I throw back the covers to scramble away, but his arm locks around my waist before I can.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt as I try to squirm out of his hold. “I didn’t mean—”

“I’m not going to hurt you, little fawn.” He pulls me closer until my back is pressed into his stomach and his body is cocooning mine in warmth.

Terror swirls through my mind. “But—but you—”

“I just want to help you relax.” He slips one arm underneath my head and pulls the blankets over me again with the other.

“How?!”

“Like this.” He plants a lingering kiss to the top of my head and strokes his hand down my body. “Just close your eyes.”

“But what if—” But I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to speak the idea of Lucas physically hurting me into existence.

“I’m not going to turn into him.” He squeezes my side in reassurance. “I’m nothing like him. Xander says so.”

“Like… Colton?”

“No. Someone much, much worse.”

I turn around so I’m facing him, even though I can’t make out his face. “Who?”

He hesitates before saying, “My dad. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him not angry. When he was at his worst—which was most of my childhood up until my mom left him—he’d turn violent. I took the brunt of it. Rora was so young. I didn’t want her anywhere near it.”

My stomach sinks. “That’s why you always have your back to a wall.”

I feel him nod. “I hated it when he managed to sneak up on me.”

“I did the same thing.”

His breath stutters, and then his arms tighten around me. “I’ll never hurt you like that, Haven. I swear on my life. I couldn’t do it.”

“Monsters with limits,” I mumble, chest aching.

He lets out an amused breath. “Sure. Something like that.”

“Do you think we could ever…” I press my lips together. I can’t ask that.

Stupid, stupid girl.

“Pick up where we left off?”

My heart squeezes. It feels like he read my mind. Or maybe he was already thinking the same thing?

“Yeah,” I whisper.

Lucas sighs. “I missed you. Still do. Who we used to be, anyway. I’ve always hated myself for it, but now I don’t know.” His hand runs over my hair a few times in silence, and then he lets out an almost-resigned sigh. “Maybe there was a reason I couldn’t let you go.”

Tears fill my eyes out of nowhere. It’s not a real answer, but I cling to it anyway. And as I drift off, I find myself not wondering if they could ever forgive me, but if I could ever forgive them.

Because there’s no denying it anymore.

I want to.