Page 131 of Puck My Life

“I had a gift delivered while we were out.”

“What kind of gift?”

“You’ll see.”

Indy pays for all our shop and loads up the car with difficulty. I make her sit in the back with the groceries, saying she’s so small that it’s a perfect size for her.

We get home, and after bringing all the groceries in and putting them away, I hand her the present. It’s a large silver box. She smiles warily and opens it.

BOOM

“Happy two-week anniversary!” I cry out.

She blinks and blinks and blinks. I think the veins in her forehead might burst. I’ve never seen anyone as angry as she is right now.

And I feel no regrets.

The glitter continues to rain down in blues and pinks, so fine that it’s almost a mist. I might never ever get it off me, but it will be worth it. A story I can laugh about with the pack once we’ve taken care of this.

Indy tilts her head back and screams. She stamps her feet, throws her arms around, and screams. The glitter spreads farther and farther, coating everything in the vicinity.

“But, babe, don’t you like the present?”

She picks up the rainbow horse dildo and throws it at my head. “You disgust me! I hate you.”

I stare at her in shock. “Babe, you don’t mean that.”

She opens her mouth, closes it, and turns and stalks off.

I lean into the camera. “Phase three: begins.”

In the middle of the night, Indy wakes us all up screaming.

I mean, I would, too, if I woke up to a bed full of crabs. It cost a small fortune, but there are about thirty crabs crawling across her bed as I lay here safe in the spare bed, nary a crustacean in sight.

I lay back and smile up at the roof.

She continues to scream.

It’s music to my ears.

I feel no regrets. Zero regrets, uploading the before and after video onto her social media accounts when Malcolm managed to get her password.

“What did you caption?”

“Rah! Scared you, didn’t I? Sometimes I scare myself.”

Malcolm laughs.

I send Where’s My Phone to our phones and change the ringtone to me singing ‘Baby, Come Back’.

It sounds terrible.

I go through her photos and find a video she’d taken three weeks ago of a guy she was fucking.

“Should I?”

“Yes!” Raynor says.