Page 39 of Next to Everything We Wanted

Ellis rolled his eyes at him, muttering curses to himself.

“I heard that.” Forrest faced me again. “What did you tell her?”

“I was having a panic attack, Forrest,” I said, rubbing the back of my flushed neck. “There really wasn’t much I could tell her.”

“Why didn’t you tell her to leave after it was over?”

A fuse inside me snapped. “Are you even listening? You don’t understand how a panic attack can make you feel so trapped inside your own body. You don’t know what it feels like to have your chest tighten and the walls close in on you while your thoughts race a mile a minute. Sienna did the right thing. Why are you so upset about it?”

Ellis and Celeste exchanged nervous looks while Phoenix gave Forrest a blank stare.

After a few moments, Forrest drew in a sharp breath. “I’m sorry. I just don’t want anything happening to you. And you still haven’t told us what happened that caused the panic attack in the first place.”

“Nothing happened.” I shrugged. “It just . . . happened.”

From the looks my bandmates exchanged with each other, I knew they weren’t convinced. Could I ever get away with lying to them? Why did they need to know about the whole name situation, anyway? Sienna made it clear what her intentions were. She wanted me to be safe. She cared about me as a person just like she cared about me as a singer.

That was more important than the fact she knew my real name.

Mostly.

“You’re not telling the truth,” Forrest said, the anger gone from his voice. It was replaced withhurt. “But I’m not going to fight you about it because you’ve already been through enough the past few days.” He got up from the chair, refusing to look at me. “Just get ready to go home.”

Guilt washed over me, overpowering my frustration.I’m sorry. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I never let them out. Deep down, I knew he cared about me. All my friends did. We just got so clouded from our experiences that we couldn’t see past the fog.

“Let us know if you need anything,” Ellis said before getting out of his chair. “I’m going to head home.”

“Thanks,” I managed to say, more guilt pinching at me. Why did I feel so bad for something out of my control? For standing up for myself and a girl who was there when I needed her?

Oh, yeah, because I’m a liar.

Phoenix nodded and got up as well, leaving me with Celeste.

After avoiding eye contact as the boys left, her warm eyes met mine. “I’m worried about you, Gavin.”

“I’ll be okay,” I said, though I didn’t believe the words myself.

“Will you?”

“Wait.” I twisted my watch around my wrist, struggling to keep my eyes locked with hers. “You don’t think the panic attack was from the breakup, do you?”

“I don’t.” She got up from the chair. “Because that would mean you cared enough.”

My stomach dropped to my feet. “What?”

“You heard what I said.” She kept her voice level as she slumped her purse over her shoulder.

“And it’s not true.”Maybe you’re the one who cares too much. I bit back the words, knowing that I didn’t want to hurt her. “Not everything has to be about us.”

Her face pinched as she looked at me, the warmth in her eyes now gone. “I know.”

“You don’t.”

“Goodnight, Gavin,” she said as her voice broke. Without another glance at me, she rushed to the door and slammed it.

“Goodnight,” I said to the door before putting my head in my hands. Tears burned in the back of my eyes, and I conjured the last amount of strength I had left to fight them. I couldn’t cry. Not over Celeste, not over Forrest, not over the truths I buried deep in my chest.

Gosh, it’d feel so good to let the tears out.