Page 89 of Mr. Green

Iwalk out to the living area where Queenie slept. She’s still staring at the front door, waiting for Grant to come back. She misses his presence as much as I do. I need coffee to help wake me up since I hardly slept. Being alone in a big bed isn’t comforting.

I know I should consider not meeting with Ryan, but it’s something I need to do. I’ve been so confused about what happened between us. How could someone that loved me just leave like that? I need to know what happened.

I start my morning with a bath. Water always helps me to get grounded. Once the tub is filled and large amounts of lavender have been added, I think a meditation would be helpful. I click on a guided meditation about letting go. After seeing Ryan last night and feeling nothing, I know I need to do this. For myself.

The voice is a soothing female who guides me.

I want you to imagine the thing you are holding onto.

Take a deep breath,

and imagine letting it go, through your mouth.

You are releasing it from your body.

Envision it leaving.

I do. I see my ex, and the empty apartment we lived in. Me hoping for him to come back. I let it go. Tears drip down my cheeks and stream into the tub, but I don’t care. I’m letting go for me, for the promise to move forward, and it’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I’m not going to let him weigh me down anymore.

I stay in the tub, feeling weightless, with my hands tingling like they’re asleep, for what seems like hours. Once I notice the bath water has become cold, I open my eyes. Then grab a towel and dry myself off, stopping to look in the mirror.

I start smiling at the reflection I see looking back at me. For the first time in years, my wide brown eyes are filled with ease. My eyes are puffy from crying, but it doesn’t hide the hope I see in finding myself. I know I can move on. I know I can be happy.

A few months ago, I was depressed and pining for Ryan. I’ve realized I don’t need him. I never needed him. I’m my own fabulous fucking person. I’m worth more than the scraps he would give me in our relationship. I agree with Grant; I deserve the world. It’s a realization I should’ve come to a long time ago, but better late than never. The sides of my mouth lift into a smile. I’m ready to be myself again, better than before.

I don’t want to hurt Grant, but I know I need to talk to Ryan. I can’t fully be with Grant until I’ve had this conversation. Even though I can choose myself again, I’ll still be wondering why. This is my chance to never wonder another thought about Ryan, but I need to talk to him first. Grant is a sensible man, he’ll see he was overreacting. I’d never pick Ryan over him, but I will pick myself. I need this.

I have a day before my meeting with Ryan. I have some research to do on my ex. I’ve been a coward, a shell of the person I used to be. In the time we were apart, I didn’t dig into what was going on. Why he left. If he got with other women immediately. I blamed myself for him choosing to leave and I need to hear him say how he could do that face to face. I would’ve given up anything for him. I found out we weren’t on the same page when he just up and left. I can’t stand by and never know the answer. He thinks I’ll just take him back. I saw the look of arrogance in his eyes last night.

He doesn’t know I have my backbone back. I can see what an asshole he was now. It took finding purpose and letting someone else in to realize I deserve better.

I grab my laptop and get to work. I’m coming in prepared.

~

I walk into the café to meet with Ryan as he requested the next morning. My hair is down in the long waves I’ve come to love. I have my glasses on; I like them and he hated them. I’m wearing the army green dress Paige found for me with gold accessories. Lavender must be seeping out of my pores. It’s helping me stay calm instead of punching the motherfucker.

I spot him immediately. He’s at a small table by the window. His hair is grown out a bit like a dad haircut. He’s balding in the back, which is new. His shoulders slump over as he sits sporting a polo and black slacks like he’s dressed for a business meeting.

I hesitate for a moment. I’m unsure if I should go order something or just go sit with him. I choose to just go sit with him. He stands once he sees me.

“Hey, Lana! You came!” He tries to hug me, but I stand out of his reach. “Sorry.” He clenches his hands into fists by his sides. “I was just excited you came. Wasn’t sure you’d actually show.”

“I came for answers.” I keep my head high as I sit down in the chair across from him. “It’s been a while. You haven’t reached out to me in over two years and all of a sudden youneedto talk to me. What’s up?”

“I wanted to explain. I think I made a huge mistake.” He motions to me. “Leaving you was a huge mistake.”

I don’t say anything. I want to hear the whole explanation.

“I got a job offer the day I left. They said I had to come as soon as possible or someone else would fill my place. It was a job one of my frat brothers was able to get me. So, I just packed up and left. I figured I would call you and you could meet up with me. Then I got there and it was so out of my realm, I didn’t think we’d work out. It didn’t seem likeanything you’d like. There were people everywhere. It’s New York and the energy there is just super exciting.”

He swallows, his Adam’s apple dropping. I see he’s sweating a bit. There’s something he’s not telling me. I’m not getting the full story.

“Everything we had talked about our entire relationship—moving to New York wasn’t it. I should’ve at least told you what was going on. I guess I didn’t want to lose you, but I knew I couldn’t take you.”

“You knew I was in love with you. I would’ve gone with you because it was what you wanted. I always wanted to support your dreams. I would’ve given up mine to be with you.”

“I know. That’s why it felt so wrong. I didn’t want to make you give up the life you wanted.”